Nothing bothers me more than unhinged capitalism. I hate being sold something I can easily make myself. I hate giving money to some shitty corporation when I don't have to. It's because I'm punk rock. And cheap. Yesterday at Petsmart I almost had a Falling Down breaking-point moment (seriously, why is dog toothpaste 10 times more expensive than people toothpaste? This will not stand!). In that spirit, here are some DIY sex toys.
This one's fun because you get to eat an entire sleeve of Pringles or Lays Stax first; it's kind of like taking yourself on a dinner date. It pleases me that on an Internet Paintball forum young men are debating exactly which potato by-product snack-chip container is better to use as a simulated vagina. Username "Skater" prefers the Stax, as they "hold up better." In addition to the container (why not a tennis ball sleeve, or a hyper-emasculating Quaker Oats tub?) you need foam rubber, a condom, a 1 1/4" o-ring, scissors, and a marker (this is so you can draw realistic labia onto your fleshlight). Step one is a simple "empty the chips out of the can". Give them to your girlfriend, even.
Homemade Real Doll
Who hasn't wanted a Real Doll? If I ever get rich I'm totally getting a Real Doll that looks just like me made. It'll be like a twisted, opposite-day version of Dorian Gray. "You name the appendage and chances are some porn star has theirs immortalized in rubber...We decided to take things to their logical conclusion. What would happen if you put all these parts together and tried to build a person?" asks an anonymous contributor over at http://www.homemade-sex-toys.com. This happens:
P.S. "Fiberglass mannequins are easier to find, but more expensive and harder to modify, plus you run the risk of inhaling fiberglass particles when you cut into them." So, that's something to think about.
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This one is great just because an attractive and very clearly butch woman named Serena has written the following sentence:
"I know, I know . . . no one wears a scrunchy anymore. But someone might actually have one of these 90′s accessories in the back of a make-up drawer somewhere. If you do, you could use a scrunchy as a cock ring." The chances that Serena has either a scrunchy or a make-up drawer are about as slim as her ever having use for a cock ring.
Other highlights include " You could also keep a travel version of Scrabble in the goody drawer so that you can spell out sexy words to get your imagination flowing." If Serena was my lover I'd probably end up spelling out sexy words like "quitbeinganerdandfuckmeyounerd" a lot. Also, "Any board game can get a little kinky if you add the strip tease element to it." I'm gonna sink the shit out of her stone butch battleship, you guys.
Okay guys, I gotta go churn some butter (not a euphemism) and decoupage these drawers (also not a euphemism). DIY! PMA! TTFN!Speaking of butch, my friend Lola told me to remind you all that Levis button flies are the classic DIY dildo harness. And probably the only sex toy you'll ever be able to trick your mom into buying you at the mall. I don't know about you, but I can't stop thinking of Kelly and Brenda in all their high waisted, button flied, late 90's splendor.