Is The In-Flight Handjob Becoming The Poor Man's Mile High Club?

The chance of a quickie in an airplane toilet are pretty much zero in today's world of sardine-tin economy flights, so could the humble hand-job take its place?
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Let’s face it, becoming a member of the mile high club is pretty much out of bounds for economy class passengers. Presided over by surly cabin crew (all the nice ones work in first class), crow-barred into seats with the leg-room of a tightly fitted orthopedic brace, and burdened with toilets the size of a pygmy’s coffin, even a world-class contortionist would find sexual intercourse as off-putting as a game of mid-turbulence Monopoly.

No, it’s the toffs in first class who get to rut in comfort. Spacious seats, more privacy and unlimited champagne are far more conducive to amorous acts among strangers. Which explains the proliferation of the in-flight hand-job back in the shameless pig-sty of the peasant carriage.

You may not have received or administered one yourself, but I’ll wager you’ve come across (no pun intended) someone who has. In the past year alone I’ve met three women who admit to wanking off a complete stranger on a plane and, frankly, I’m left spluttering with disbelief every time. I mean, who propositions whom and how far into the flight?  Did he have the temerity to simply whip it out and expect you to oblige? Weren’t there any good films to watch?

But I don’t want to appear voyeuristic so I keep my questions to myself, inwardly pondering the intriguing genesis of such an act.

For starters, how do you go from that first diffident nod of acknowledgement - invariably exchanged by two strangers on a plane who are about to spend the next few hours bumping elbows and smelling each other’s farts – to an intimate sex act?

Even if you’ve both overindulged on the free booze and your inhibitions are at rock bottom, how does a man broach the subject without risking, at the very least, a slap on the face, or worse, the outraged summoning of the cabin crew, who would probably treat you the same way they would a man trying to detonate a shoe bomb?

It must take a silver-tongued devil with the seductive prowess of David Niven and the sexual allure of Brad Pitt to entice someone they’ve only just met into giving them the old five fingered shuffle.

Which is why I can’t help but assume that it must the women who are the instigators.

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Picture the scene. It’s the middle of a nocturnal flight and the lights are dimmed.  You’re in that post-prandial semi-slumber, the low hum of the plane’s engine just about keeping you awake. Suddenly, you feel your zip being undone and a furtive fist wrapped around your todger. You’re surprised, to say the least. You look around to see if any of the other passengers or cabin crew have noticed. They haven’t. You conveniently ignore the fact that this is an act of sexual molestation and let her get on with it as it sure beats watching the latest Die Hard film on a six-inch screen with tinny headphones.

Or perhaps the woman, on the pretext of trying to find a misplaced cell-phone or paperback book beneath the blanket, lets her hand wander into her neighbour’s nether region. “Is that the portable handset,” she says, “or are you just pleased to see me?”

Or maybe it’s a far blunter approach. “Look, you handsome devil, you and I have been lumped together all the way to Bangkok – we can be civilized, make banal small-talk and watch endless films, or you get an orgasm and I get to…” Get to what, exactly?

For none of the stories to have reached my ears has involved any reciprocal stimulation.  It’s been all about the men – the selfish bastards. And it does take a certain type to accept such a favour - as one of the women I spoke to found out, much to her abject humiliation.

Shortly after his cork had been popped the recipient couldn’t wait to tell his mates sitting several rows away about the encounter. It turns out he was with a sizeable stag party who at the end of the flight turned to face the mortified woman in question and gave her a jeering, standing ovation.

Ladies, you have been warned…