Shower sex. Sex in the shower. Le sexe dans le douche. I've been thinking about it.
Not because it’s been a particularly slow, humid day in the office but because I've been re-watching the first series of Orange Is The New Black to check that I really did enjoy it as much as I thought I had and there's quite a bit of shower sex in that.
I do appreciate that in prison, I’m assuming, you’re a bit pushed for sexy places to go and that shower sex occurs more out of necessity than anything else, but it did get me thinking about how I don’t think I’ve given shower sex a chance, really.
I've done it, sure, a few times now, but it's never been the knee weakening, splayed-palm-slapped-against-a-steamed-up-shower-screen experience that the movies, and hyped up Netflix series, have lead me to believe.
In reality, I’ve found it to be fraught with complications.
The first wall that I hit, and not in a good way, is that you need a specific type of shower for shower sex to really stand a chance of happening. A shower over a bath? Forget it. You have to stand as if you’re in a fucking queue. An enclosed shower holds much more potential, but experience tells me to clear the shower of all unnecessary bath products beforehand or else you run the risk of noisily knocking over a sales display’s worth of half-used bottles of Palmolive mid-fuck, and will have to either stop and pick them up, or spend the rest of the time nudging them away with your foot to ensure that no one trips over.
Second issue is the spontaneity of it all. Shedding your clothes and joining your partner in the shower is supposed to be all hot, but if I don’t do a “Do you want to join me?” over one shoulder with my eyebrow a bit raised, then it means that if you jump in on me in the shower you’re likely to find me holding a muslin cloth over my face to open my pores whilst wearing a hot pink pair of exfoliating gloves. No one wants exfoliating gloves near their dick, do they? (Wait-- do they? - Ed)
I try not to be vain, especially during sex. If you’ve seen the scar on my boob, or the mole beneath my belly button or my deceptively untoned arse wobble around then you can see me without makeup; that’s not the issue.
The issue is my hair. It gets pretty big, pretty quickly. In Orange Is The New Black, everyone has slightly damp hair or perfectly slicked down soaking wet hair. My hair is like Bounty or Plenty or whatever the fuck it’s now called; if it’s within a 10 mile radius of moisture it sucks it up and gets huge and, without a proper hair care routine, extremely knotty.
Wetting it and having a ridiculously handsome man run his hands through it as our bodies slide against each other is not an option, and I shall tell you for why. Say the shower sex goes well, really well - gasping-in-the-thick-steam-and-feeling-like-you’re-suffocating well - then I can't think of a less sexy statement (I can, I totally can, I've definitely said a least seven things that are much less sexy than this) to murmur into the heavy, post-orgasm silence than "Can you pass me my Tangle Teezer?"
If you successfully negotiate all of those hurdles, then you come to the big one. It’s bought many a partner to their knees, but not for very long - it’s position. It usually requires a certain amount of upper body strength from at least one of you and almost always ends up with a bruised tailbone and cramping calves.
Of course, you don’t just have to go straight to the banging, I’m no philistine. The watery, soapy nature of a shower does kind of lend itself to oral sex, or so you would think. I’ve found that, regardless of how creative you get, someone’s always got to get down on the floor.
According to AskMen, the best way to combat Shower Sex Sore Knees is for one of you to stand on the edge of the bath and hold onto the shower rod for support, whilst the other one does their best moves. Are they fucking mental? Anyone who's ever slipped on a stray bit of conditioner and grabbed a shower curtain for support knows that a shower rod cannot support the body weight of a blow up doll, let alone me, you, us, so balancing on the edge of the bath like a child balances on the curb is sure to end in a journey to A&E - a journey that takes a slight detour so that you can get your stories straight.
And, finally, although showers, with all of their gels, oils and balms, are supposed to be super lubey, I’ve mainly found that in other ways, they’re not lubey at all? In fact, they’re what you normally use to de-lube, meaning that shower sex for me normally ends early - either with a dash out of the shower to the bed, or frustrated half-laughs as we both try to say that we should quit it because we’ve got to get to work without offending the other person.
So, what am I doing wrong? The background shots of head-thrown-back-in-wanton-abandon shower sex that crop up so often in Orange Is The New Black have made me want to give things another go with the ol’ shower and all advice is appreciated.
If sex in the shower can be fun and sexy in prison (albeit fake, television prison), where people apparently have to wear sanitary towels on their feet in the shower then surely it can be fun and sexy in my occasionally fun and sexy life too, right?