I knew I was an old fogey when I first opened the camera app on my phone, saw my own face, and did an adult yelp. You know the kind of noise I mean - like when the latte frother spits hot milk in your mum's eye, or your dad accidentally turns on 1xtra in the car.
Taking selfies was definitely a thing by the time I got this phone, and once I stopped cringing I started mastur-snapping. But I have still never really sexted - I don't have the time to find the right Instagram filter to stop my arse looking like cottage cheese in a sandwich bag. Likewise I sidestepped the shelfie and the belfie, and post-sex selfies made me genuinely consider buying a late-1990s Nokia so I would never, even accidentally, take one.
Don't get me wrong, I see the appeal of taking a photo with your other half. I remember listening to Smiths records as a student, wishing I had someone to visit the Rough Trade photo booth with.
Even when I was 14, the local Miss Selfridge had a photo booth that made stickers. Me and my friends used to cover our exercise books in photos of ourselves, and it didn't make me feel like a raving narcissist.
That was different, though. Those were the days when I used to get leathered on two Smirnoff Ice and doubted sex was going to be better than snogging with tongues.
But now there's a whole subreddit for sex selfies (NSFW), and it feels like the sky is falling in.
It's not the wholesome fresh-faced feed of 'gone wild' girls tugging on the knicker elastic of a cotton thong, looking like someone's adorable teenage cousin doing her first sext. It's not even a sweaty satisfied post-nookie couples pic.
It's people taking photos during the act of love, of the only other person that matters then and there. Rather than enjoy the thing most of us spend all day/week/month/year waiting for, these paps want to capture it for posterity. (Or perhaps just for posteriority)
I find it hard enough taking a decent pic without being fucked or sucked at the same time. And doesn't it get in the way of enjoying the sex? Lord knows how irritating it is to get interrupted in your vinegar strokes, without having to stop what you're doing to suck in your gut and uncross your eyes.
But what really bothers me about sex selfies is, I don't know who they are for. Are they private pics, stolen by a porn burglar? Or were they accidentally blurted onto Imgur in a drunken moment of generosity?
Are they gonzo porn? Is someone getting their rocks off, knowing how uncomfortable I would feel after just two or three examples of this craven new genre?
The only other possibility - and the most vile - was that they were photos taken for someone else.
Imagine: girls everywhere could be turbo-charging their rebound sex by texting the evidence of it to their baffled, relieved ex-boyfriends.
Meanwhile, men are sexting their office crushes, trying to capture their willies at a good angle (e.g. doggy style inside another woman).
It's enough to make me stab a hole through my mobile phone, as if it was a horcrux for the spirit of future porn.
Will every generation after us continue to abuse the phone in increasingly creative ways? How can this trend get more intimate? Perhaps by men strapping GoCams to their foreskins and capturing the act of love from inside their partners?
I've seen enough. In fact, I might be the only person who watched The Mountain and The Viper and made notes on how much pressure you need to burst a pair of eyeballs.