Vending Machine Cup
These are perfect for the Tinder generation - boys and girls with a list of fuck buddies that'd make George Best look like Snow White. Disposable, portable and impersonal. Girls, keep a party-size pack by your bed and chuck them away after each visit. If you're feeling really accommodating you can fill it with that blue sterilising liquid you get at the dentist.
Possibly used by: Russell Brand, Harry Styles
China Teacup
The Penis Beaker of choice for GILFS throughout the country. There's probably some kind of law against dipping your post-coital member in a piece of Royal commemorative crockery, so be sure to check it's not got a smiling picture of the Queen Mum on the side first. Also check for false teeth, unless you're after some kind of weird remote blow job while she's in the bathroom, in which case crack on.
Possibly used by: David Dickinson, Wayne Rooney
Brandy Glass
A chap of expensive taste - your woman isn't just going to bed with any old Nuts reading scally, she's in the pleasurable company of a refined gentleman. In fact, you were considering having your penis replaced with a luxury rosewood cigar case you saw in 'Sophisticated Man' magazine last month, but in the meantime only a pure crystal brandy glass will do when cleaning up after sex. For an extra tip to impress her, dangle your Porsche keys off it while you dip.
As used by: Jeremy Clarkson, Tom Selleck
Pint Pot
Bend over love, job done. No messing. See you in the morning.
As used by: Brian Clough, Phil The Power
Medieval Goblet
Policeman, nurse, fireman - the traditional role playing uniforms are so played out. Just chuck the front room rug over your shoulders, get her to put her hair in plats and go full on Game of Thrones (Bones?). This bejewelled goblet is the only way a proper medieval bloke cleans his broadsword, and feel free to roar "VICTORY" or something similar. Also doubles up as a pimp cup, if you want to go 'hip-hop' and invite 10 of your mates over to bang your Mrs too.
As used by: Brian Blessed, Lil Jon
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