I've been clean and sober for nine months everyone and while you slow clap my obviously admirable actions and I ever so modestly and graciously accept your congratulations with an audible smell of smugness, I have beef. Nine months ago I was prepared and ready to put my drinking and partying habits into a box and lock them away. But folks, I was in no way ready to put my box in a box....
Most folk when they retire from something develop a new hobby, and I was counting on Tinder and my previous dating proclivities to see me through if I'm honest. I was going to 'Russell Brand' my way through sobriety. Needless to say this hasn't gone to plan in anyway shape or form much to my annoyance. So now I've got a bit more time on my hands, I thought I'd tell you why sober dating sucks and not in a sexy way.
Tinder needs alcohol.
Alcohol and online dating need each other like the internet needs porn. Gone are the days down the village pub where you'd get to know someone before getting naked with them. Tinder has opened so many options [hey lads] while at the same time closing them. The two dimensional nature and mass herding of Tinder involves so much admin, you spend weeks talking chit chat to a bunch of potentials for you to finally go on a date with the one that annoys you the least. All the while building up false hope that this could be the guy that your kids are going to be spending the weekends with in five years time.
Obviously this fantasy is quashed when you realise within 5 seconds of meeting them that you do not fancy a man wearing red trousers sporting lasagne stains. That is until you're halfway though a pint of Pinot and it becomes hilariously ironic. It's funny how a few drinks can very quickly paper over the fact you have nothing in common, zero chemistry and that the only thing that is keeping the conversation going is the promise of being bought drinks and that someone else will pay for the cab back. A drop of self loathing and a brisk morning walk is how some of us finish our Tinder dates, and now sobriety has come along and ruined the only exercise I took. Because, since being sober, I've learnt that a Tinder date without alcohol is a nightmare; unnatural and impossible. It's basically two people staring at each other over a table silently acknowledging that they'd rather be somewhere else and wanting to be swallowed up.
And I'm sorry, I no longer swallow on the first date.
I don't know which type of guy to date
We all have idea types of people we want to get naked with, and I went through a very brief period of thinking a sober man would be my new ideal match now that I'm 'reformed'. I'd definitely not gone out with a 'sober person' before. But I have since being on the old wagon, found out there are in fact two types of sober man. Ones, who for them, drinking and doing drugs were an issue and who are constantly on the precipice of driving back down sauce street with you firmly in the passenger seat. Or ones who have never drunk, even to moderation, which means they're pretty fucking boring. The ones that 'doggy style' would neither be in their musical or sexual repertoire. The type that would take you on a dog walk for a first date, and to be asked back to his flat to 'hang' meant come back to his flat to watch his dog chase a plastic toy around the living room for two hours. Let's say crawling around a strangers living room on all fours has never been so awkward. Fact.
Fucking someone that's paralytic isn't sexy
Having sex with someone who is paralytic isn't sexy. Which following the whole Ched Evans story surprised me. And this is a tough situation to manoeuvre especially when in a club/bar environment. The usual drunk tac is to offer a drink to a girl and if she accepts and hangs around and flirts then the probable outcome is horizontal. But it takes time.... As a sober girl, I'm not there to get drunk, so my new experience involves a lot of waiting around listening to filler about why Morissey/Bill Hicks/Louis CK is a genius. All the while his sexual stock is plummeting as the guy in front of me is getting drunker and less able to do the job in hand. There's nothing you can do... I now know how the Greeks felt watching their economy go down the pan.
You can remember how shit the sex is
An annoying side thing of turning sober is the fact I can remember shit that happens on a night out. I've turned into some kind of phone location service for mates that were hammered the night before. The satisfaction of locking the memory of who and what you did the night before in a 'blackout' cupboard no longer exists. You remember the dodgy porn moves, the lack of true connection, the stink of a person that's slept on booze and fags breathing in your face, and the blatant awkwardness and disappointment. You come to the conclusion that you had a lot of shit sex when you were drinking. That realisation alone has put me off one night stands forever... As Robbie Williams once said about childbirth, It's like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Now if you're reading this and we did, you know, once... I'm totally not talking about you. You were amazing. But for all the reasons above. I can't meet potential men via Tinder or bars anymore. And while it's enlightening, more wholesome and all that good stuff, I feel like I've lost my superpowers, like I'm superman without the flying bit. But in the same breath I'm kind of feeling quite good about it all. I have higher standards now. Which is a shame, because if I'd met you 9 months ago, we'd be making beautiful music together.
FIN
*Contrary to the above, Eleanor does like to make men [and women] in bars and pubs laugh sometimes... So for updates on her gigs and general nonsense follow her on twitter @EleanorConway