Nail Polish Will Get Men Laid

Are you struggling to get sex and/or emerge victorious from pub brawls? Well, clearly you’re not wearing enough nail varnish. That is, according to the amazing Alpha Nail website…
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What do rock-hard MMA fighter Chuck Lidell and rock-star Dave Navarro have in common? They are both apparently 'alpha males’ that adorn their nails with ‘war paint.’ At least that is, according to the website (...deep breath), Alpha Nail which has decided to set up and stick one painted fingernail up at the usual 'manly' fashion conventions.

Yup, that's right, it would appear that the thing missing from the men's fashion market is a bloke-only nail varnish company. From looking at their website, which I wholeheartedly encourage you to do, I'm not going to lie to you, I can't actually tell if this is one big joke, but for the sake of this I'm going to assume it's not. If it is though, please feel free to pass me a napkin so that I can wipe the egg of disbelief from my face. I mean for starters alone just look at the name: Alphanail. Just that alone makes it sound like the kind of pun you'd hear in an episode of the Inbetweeners.

But to judge them properly it's probably best to look at their own list of reasons (juxtaposed with some fantastic photography) as to why you should be getting all Tony Hart on your fingernails, reasons which are: more sex, swagger, cover-up, battle, style and rockability.


More Sex

This reason only really applies if you're Russell Brand, who generally gets sex more because he's Russell Brand than nail polish, and most of the time will pretty much shag anything anyway. In my own personal experience of wearing nail varnish (it was fancy dress and I was a pirate, honest) I did admittedly end up sharing a bed with a girl but this had more to do with  me losing my keys and guilt tripping her into letting me share. I definitely didn't get any sex and it certainly wasn't for lack of trying I can tell you. It could have been partly down to the fact that I had mascara on and I was wearing a blouse (ok, I was in drag, whatever) but I'm also guessing the nail varnish didn't help.


I'm not actually sure what this really means but when I say it out loud it conjures up three very distinct images. One is the way that Liam Gallagher wannabes try and walk, the second is a Chris Brown/R Kelly mishmash wearing a lime green top hat and the third is Cher Lloyd. Whichever image you go for the thing that subsequently comes to mind is usually the word 'wanker,' which I'm not really sure is an aesthetic that should be striven for.


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This one is illustrated with a picture of someone’s foot and the tagline: 'Hide the fuglys.' Firstly, if you're using the word fugly we've got to assume that you're a bit of a cock. Secondly if your toes are actually that awful you're worried someone's going to call an exorcist; the best thing to do would be to cover them up with shoes rather than nail varnish. There is absolutely no sane-thinking merit to this reason at all.


In fairness I can vouch for this one. On the one night that I was wearing nail varnish whilst dressed as a pirate (lady) I did pretty much get the shit kicked out of me on the way home, by a bloke from Milton Keynes who yelled: 'You shouldn't be here.' So if one of the things in life you're looking for is fights with close-minded, lager swelling cunts, then I'd agree that you can't really go wrong with wearing nail varnish.


Bit of a tricky area this one as yes, there are certain crowds where this kind of thing goes down an absolute treat, namely goth and transvestite orientated ones. On the flipside however I'm not really sure this is going to be the kind of head turner you're after down the local boozer.  Pick your night mind, and it might be a good talking point, on a day to day basis though, probably not.

To Rock

Rock bands do indeed get more sex and adulation than most so I'll give them that. At the same time, they're in fucking rock bands and get acclaim from being musicians and writing epic tunes. Startlingly colour-coordinated nails never wrote a song for anyone really did they. Except for maybe Lola by The Kinks.

Overall verdict: it's among the more ridiculous fashion sites I've been sent in a long time and I once wrote about Bagel Head body modification. At a stretch it could perhaps be a worker in the same way that 'guyliner' was - in that at least ten people bought it - but for the average Joe? I can't see it catching on really; then again I also thought the same about Justin Bieber and look at that idiot. If you're confident enough you might as well go for it, personally though I'd probably just get the shit kicked out of me. Again.

Let me know how you get on...

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