Time after time you will see a man oozing style from every pore only for him to be left standing like a well without water when he pulls out his billfold. A crusty looking warped and torn effort stained with sweat and emblazoned with a ‘funky’ pattern or wankathon logo. Suddenly the bar clears and the model you were chatting with throws herself in front of a passing car. Game over. Your wallet has let you down again. Here is a rundown of the main culprits.
Now I will begin by admitting that there is indeed a place for these bad boys and they are not entirely redundant in the world of wallets. Sadly however, that place is in the hands of a child who is getting used to, ‘not losing things.’ No self-respecting man should ever be seen with a canvas wallet. I’m sorry, but seriously? I don’t care if you do extreme sports, you don’t do extreme buying do you? No. So, you don’t need a wallet that looks like a pair of Quicksilver trousers. This same rule applies to any wallet made out of denim. Unless you are in JLS or you’re fucking Daniella Westbrook circa 1998 (in which case you’re already doomed) then just don’t bother.
Traditionally the staple of ‘alternative’ teenagers hanging around skateparks and sniffing glue in their garages. The more popular designs that I have noticed are chequered, in a standard black and white or a ‘fuck my hooves I’m so Nirvana’ red and black. We also get stripes, swirls, camouflage and anime. Every so often we see a 30 year old gent with one, showing that he is down with the kids and shops at Topman. These wallets are an insult to both design and human retinas; they should be avoided at all costs. The only time that this is ever marginally acceptable in my opinion, is with the famed Louis Vuitton pattern –in which case it has to be real and not a fake one from Marikek. But even then you’re going to have to need the solid and slightly ashamedly upper class mannerisms to match (which I certainly do not) otherwise the only thing that you will be pulling off is the ten bob millionaire look.
The two colours.
Why would you want two block colours on the wallet? So that you can match it with your belt and shoes? If the answer to that is yes then stop reading now. There is literally no hope for you. You might as well just go ahead and audition for the next series of The Only Way Is Essex.
Is your wardrobe that devoid of taste that you feel the need to up the ante by proving that you did at least try to spend a lot of money on it? A wallet should be a subtle addition to your profile, not the selling point. You are not Peter Stringfellow. Any wallet stamped with a designer of any sort, be it Porsche or Gucci should be put in a box and buried next to Shergar because you are trying far too hard my friend. If you are the owner of such a thing, the only real commiseration that I can perhaps offer you is that most people will probably be too distracted by your Jacobs & Co wristpiece and G-Star emblazoned arse to notice it anyway.
Now, if you have stuck with me this far you are probably interested to know what kind of wallet is acceptable and that would be what I would like to call, ‘The Classic.’
A standard black leather wallet. The Classic is reliable and looks good with pretty much anything. It can be dressed up with a suit but it can also be played down with jeans. They look fine aged and a little battered, effortlessly hiding any blemishes that they might pick up but they also look fantastic brand new, clean and shiny. If you only own one wallet -something that most men do but probably shouldn’t- then make it a black leather hip wallet. They are the kind that we have seen in the hands of Newman, McQueen, Eastwood and Dean and if they are good enough for those guys they are most certainly good enough for me. My current wallet is a great one from Ted Baker that I’ve had for about 2 years now and it still looks great and still gets comments when I pull it out. If you want to cover a few classic bases, pick up a brown leather one too, for a little added versatility. But all in all, you can not go wrong with a black leather wallet.
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