"I Got Beaten Up By Police In Ibiza After Shooting A Teddy Bear In The Head"

This is what happens when you're on the White Isle and suddenly everything goes drastically wrong.
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It had been a truly punishing night of clubbing and the last thing that I expected was to be still awake, standing in the middle of a forest surrounded by the Guardia Civil. After a night filled with a catalogue of events it probably couldn’t get much worse than them looking at me, with punishing grins on their faces. This was their form of clubbing and it didn’t involve music, dancing and ecstasy. I knew that punishment was heading my way.

Many hours earlier the plan had been to head to Amnesia to see Carl Cox show off his mesmerising three deck wizardry. However, as is normally the case in Ibiza, things went downhill fast. I lost my friends in the west end of town early on in the night and while out searching for them in a bar, I was accosted by a mentalist Italian chap. He appeared from nowhere and gave me a huge bear hug that almost squeezed the life out of me. This exchange came about due to my attire - a retro Inter Milan shirt. He then introduced me to his friends and we had an extremely farcical conversation, where through a series of words, phrases and silly hand gestures, they told me they were heading to Amnesia, where I presumed I would catch up with the rest of my group.

The trip to the club involved me hopping in the boot of their rental car on the way up. I was more than happy to go along with it, as not only did it mean I could find my mates, but it was free. At the other end of the journey the Italians popped open the boot and as soon I stood up I was like fucking Bambi, persistently falling on my arse until I managed to find balance. I wasn’t in a great state and it was fair to say that at this point I just wanted to go out. However when I finally focused my eyes on the club in the distance and realised that we were at Pacha and not Amnesia, it's fair to say that I wasn’t exactly chuffed. But it just seemed far too much effort to resolve the situation, so I just went along with it.

Inside Pacha things got progressively messier and messier, culminating with one of the Italians finding me at the end of the night in conversation with a chair. He asked me if I fancied heading on to Space to keep the party going but I knew that I’d officially reached the point of needing the safe surroundings of my hotel room. So as you can imagine, I was happy to find that we were all heading back in the direction of San Antonio once more.

After a dark, paranoia-filled journey back we reached San Antonio. I said my farewells to my new friends, and then started the walk of shame back to my hotel. Halfway along the journey I stumbled across a carnival that was occupying some waste ground and in my disorientated state I stupidly decided to take a look. I was strolling around aimlessly, my head feeling like it had been chopped up into thousands of pieces and with no plan of action. This was until I stumbled across the chance to shoot from an air rifle, which had various prizes up for grabs. I was seeing double, I was not in possession of a mind that could be described as mint condition and going anywhere near a gun probably wasn't a good idea but my voice of reason failed to kick in, so I decided to give it a shot.

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Holding the gun and taking aim, I felt at that moment like a crack army sniper on his mission. I imagine however that a crack army sniper would know in advance what their target was, as my messed up mind instead thought that I had somehow got it into my head that I was to shoot the actual prizes and not the small multi coloured piece of card underneath each prize.  With my sights fixed on an FC Barcelona china plate, I pulled the trigger, instantly sending pieces of shattered plate in all directions. Quickly after this, I targeted a cuddly bear dressed as a matador and I instinctively blasted a small hole in the bear’s head.

Before I could take my third shot I was in a headlock. Now, I had heard some shouting after I smashed the plate and shot the teddy bear but I presumed it to be people celebrating my accuracy, coming back from their night out, as fucked as I was. This wasn’t the case. The owner of the stall was standing next to me, completely enraged, pointing at the smashed prizes and looking back at me shouting some more. I tried to offer some recompense but it appeared he wasn’t exactly ready to talk business. With all the commotion, quite a few people had gathered around to witness what was going on and eventually this included some of the local constabulary, who appeared on the scene to take care of matters. One of the policemen turned to me and took me through how things stood, most of which I understood myself by this point. I happily agreed to pay for the damage and nodding, he went back to the stallholder to facilitate the transaction.

It seemed pretty simple. All that was left for me to do was to pay the man and I could go. I reached into my pocket and slammed all the contents down on the counter and out the corner of my eye I spotted a baggie containing two white pills. Of course, the coppers eyes popped out their head, and soon enough the handcuffs were slapped around my wrist and I was marched away to a waiting van. I assumed that I was on my way to the local police station, so I was surprised when the van eventually stopped and the back doors opened. I was in a forest, with just a few police officers for company. I clambered out the van and before I’d even had chance to get my bearings, three officers had formed a triangle around me, with their batons wielded. I knew I was in for a beating.

The first blow I took went straight into my stomach, which made me fall into the officer stood in front of me, who wasted no time in sending me flying in the opposite direction and onto my arse. Once I was down they took a carte blanche approach, laying into my body and legs for what seemed like forever. When they finally stopped and left me crumpled in the fetal position, they all burst into laughter, turned around and casually made their way back to their vehicles.

I couldn’t take in what had just happened, and I had a task on my hand to standup. But this wasn’t as much of a task as the journey back from the forest proved to be, but that’s another story altogether!