9 Lessons From This Week’s Apprentice

Pies aren't just for guys, Helen looks like a wartime nanny and Christopher Columbus is from Croydon. Just a few life lessons from this week's episode.
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Every week it’s the same. Alan Sugar. Rooftop. Face like a botched charcoal drawing of a lion. Those familiar strings, the London building that’s basically a massive cosmic cucumber. THE APPRENTICE. There it is. No more Melody, no more Vincent, no more Zoe and Glenn who are now holed away somewhere fucking like it’s the end of the world. What would we learn about the planet this week?

1. If you must arrive somewhere, arrive dramatically

If you’ve ever had a duel, you’ll know all about the importance of emerging through some liquid nitrogen that you’re pretending is mist to frighten your opponent. It’s like starting a tennis match at 30-love. This week Sugar followed the duelist’s handbook by ascending to greet his puppets in a magnificent see-through elevator which was probably fashioned from finest ice. An executive lift. Smooth move, Sugar-face. Let them know who’s got the biggest conkers.

2. Columbus didn’t discover the potato

Duh Tom! Columbus discovering potatoes? Stupid boy. Of course, it was the Elizabethan aristocrat Sir Walter Raleigh who unearthed potatoes around the same time he stumbled across tobacco and manufactured ridiculous bikes with old bits of tubas for handlebars. As for Columbus, he just bobbed around in a boat throwing spiked flags at things like America. He was Italian.

When Tom hugged her near the end of the show, they presumably cut the bit where she shrieked “get away from me, just get away from me!” and wept hysterically for hours.

3. There’s nothing ladylike about a pie … or is there?

Think of someone eating a pie. Hey, you just envisaged a MAN, you racist! A man with a large penis dangling aggressively in his trousers to prove it. Plus some big hairy bollocks. That’s because whoever first invented pies only had guys in mind. But, hang on, what if you made them SMALLER? Bingo! Bosh! Woman-friendly. Girls fucking love small pies. Nice brain-work Helen.

4. Three minds are actually worse than two

As the three-pronged attack of Susie, Jim, and Natasha decreed that the combination of their brains would outwit the other two based on quantity alone, they neglected to acknowledge that their human rendition of three different car alarms going off at the same time wouldn’t ensure decent sales of Mexican rubbish. Sugar’s son’s dog pukes better food.

5. You can get a degree in absolutely anything these days

Still reeling at news that you can get a BA Honours in being hospitable to people – such as Natasha did, presumably to go with her A Level in Socialising - a further shock bomb was exploded in our ears when Sugar himself reminded school kids that you can also spend three years studying how to put people in the recovery position. Ah yes, the old degree in First Aid. Forgotten about that one.

6. Helen looks like a wartime nanny

That Helen’s good. She works for Greggs who do lovely sausage rolls consisting of soft pig meat wrapped beneath a warm pastry sleeping bag. Yet despite her sexy high flying job, she still scrapes her hair back and pops it into a conservative bun like an thin-lipped ice bitch who shudders at the very thought of physical contact. For example, when Tom hugged her near the end of the show, they presumably cut the bit where she shrieked “get away from me, just get away from me!” and wept hysterically for hours.

7. Jim is total bullshit at Maths

Okay Jim, so that’s sixty people all spending around £7. What have you got? Four thousand two hundred? Yes, ha ha, good one. Try again. What’s that? Four thousand eight hundred? No, I don’t think you heard correctly. SIXTY people. Sixty. All spending about SEVEN QUID. It’s basically sixty times seven. Come again? Did you just say four thousand again, Jim? Oh dear…. see you for the interviews next week Jim!

8. Natasha won’t win…

… because the girl who looks like the only unhappy member of the Osmond family has been fired. Fired, yeah?


9. But Helen or Susan might…

As touched lightly upon, Jim is perfect cannon fodder for Sugar’s shaven interview gorillas. Tom looks like a “decoy winner” in the Ruth Badger mould, whilst these two are like fire and ice. History suggests that Sugar goes for ice.

Well done Helen.

You can follow Josh on Twitter @joshburt76 should you so wish.

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