Baby Jake - The Scariest Baby On TV

Baby Jake is CBeebies show aimed at toddlers. That doesn't stop it from being on of the most creepy, unnerving, trippy mindfucks on television...


With great power comes great responsibility. That is what we are always told. However this is not the case with Baby Jake. With his great power comes no responsibility. In fact he does nothing that could be considered responsible. At all.

Let us not get ahead of ourselves though. I must first tell you what/who Baby Jake is.

Baby Jake is another in the long line of CBeebies shows that fuck with my mind. With each programme that is presented on the channel I become more and more convinced that I am being poisoned. Colours seem to be brighter, noises become more unnatural and the images themselves seem to evoke the worst kind of trip that Professor Timothy Leary could ever have endured. This is the stuff of nightmares my friends.

Imagine a totem pole of weird. Got it in your mind? Baby Jake sits right on top. Laughing. Like the baby from Trainspotting. Only rather than crawling on the ceiling, this one goes into fucking space. Scared? Not nearly enough. Not nearly enough.

Isaac announces that because Baby Jake is quite squidgy, everyone loves him. Which, going by that logic, should mean that we all love jellyfish.

At the outset, we are introduced to a windmill in the middle of a giant field of corn. The sails of the windmill spin ominously. Our narrator Isaac dances through the field like something from Village of the Damned and announces that the windmill has lots of windows. We are then introduced to Isaac's nine siblings. They all have X-Men style powers, ranging from being the oldest of all, drinking iced tea, drawing on his knees, being tall or dressing up as a tree. With such witchcraft-like powers it is no wonder they are forced to live in exile in a windmill. It surely is only a matter of time before the scared local villagers arrive with pitchforks and burning torches.

We are finally introduced to Isaac's youngest brother, Baby Jake. He is being held by Isaac's obviously knackered parents. Imagine having a house full of ten kids with frightening powers? I think I would be sucking on a exhaust hose in an underground car park by the time the forth one was born. Anyway, Jake gives us a smile and a laugh and we are in for another episode of fun.

Isaac announces that because Baby Jake is quite squidgy, everyone loves him. Which, going by that logic, should mean that we all love jellyfish. Anyway, Isaac next announces that he is able to understand everything Jake is saying. Jake will then let out the phrase "Go-Gi-Gi-Ya", which apparently means it's "time for an adventure". Though it might well mean "I am feeling overwhelmed by the amount of fucking people in this tiny windmill - help".

Adventuring we go. The environment then becomes a CG cartoon and a terrifying representation of Jake appears from behind an object. Jake will typically take us on an adventure to one of four locations:

Hello? Jake - there are fucking wars on you know. Pull your finger out and turn some tanks into jelly or something.

 A tropical jungle - so we can meet his friend Sydney. Sydney is a baby monkey who swings on vines. That's basically her whole deal. A countryside scene - so we can meet his friend Nibbles. Nibbles is a rabbit who seems to be fairly backwards. Think George from "Of Mice and Men" as a rabbit. He is a well meaning rabbit, but you get the impression that he could kill a small child without meaning to during a hug. A snowy location - so we can meet his friend Pengy-Quinn. Pengy-Quinn is a tap dancing Penguin. An idea that I can't help but feel has been explored once before. Space - so we can meet his friends the Hamsternauts. The Hamsternauts are hamsters in space costumes who basically seem to do nothing. Waste of time if it goes to space.

The adventure (if you can call it that) usually consists of Jake and one of his pals walking from left to right. Sometimes they copy an animal or sometimes they just do something that Jake likes doing. Like being upside-down or sliding on his tummy.

Essentially they do nothing of any use like build an orphanage or cure cancer. If it is indeed the case (as it seems to be) that Jake is magic, then you would hope that he would use these powers as a force for good and not spend all day floating over a corn field or pissing about in space. What we actually have here is Dr. Manhattan all over again. A super being that has become detached from civilisation to such an extent that he would happily ignore us more mortals and bury his head in puerile pursuits like hanging around with fucking dopey rabbits and low-rent dancing hamsters. Hello? Jake - there are fucking wars on you know. Pull your finger out and turn some tanks into jelly or something.

While many of you will at this stage probably be pointing out that Baby Jake is a kids' programme and therefore not really worth getting worked up about, I would probably have to agree with you.

Sadly Baby Jake is no longer being shown on Cbeebies (the odd repeat is dotted around the schedule). One can only hope that he is out there somewhere, protecting his fellow man. Chances are of course, he is almost certainly laughing on a tractor somewhere, rubbing our faces in it.

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