'There are 10 housemates. Cracks are appearing. 3 are up for eviction. Tonight one of them will leave,' Marcus Bentley booms in his inimitable Geordie tones.
This is event TV, 2011 style. The first eviction night of the new series of Celebrity Big Brother. Sally Bercow vs Bobby Sabel vs Kerry Katona. A heavyweight contest indeed.
Paddy Doherty, Lucien Laviscount, Darryn Lyons… This year's cast is less of a Who's Who of the showbiz world, more of a Who The Fuck? Among the ten, only Tara Reid has legitimate celeb credentials as a Hollywood actress.
Bare knuckle fighter Paddy needs to come with subtitles, the Hoff's ex hasn't done anything yet, apart from disappoint everyone by not being Pamela Anderson, and does anyone know who Lucien is?
Tonight is a vote to save which makes Sally Bercow a stand-out bet at 4-7 to be eliminated. It's simple logic - she's too uninteresting to command votes. In a vote to evict, Bobby would be toast, but it's not a vote to evict.
He summed Katona up thus, 'Sweet girl, entertaining at times, but a complete fucking moron.'
Brian Dowling arrives on stage walking like an effeminate Thunderbird puppet. His delivery is so wooden I find myself missing Davina to lend the occasion greater gravitas even if she was wetter than an otter's pocket.
It's weird. They've now turned the show into a musical montage of highlights from the day. There is no live feed on the Internet this year which has frustrated the die-hards. Viewers are at the whim of the show producers more than ever, but even their best efforts in the editing suite cannot conceal the fact Darryn Lyons comes across as a hideous, self-obsessed cunt of the highest order.
Lyons loves giving it the big 'I am'. He has sold pics for a million dollars but was only ever star-struck by Diane, he tells housemates. He is a walking mid-life crisis cliche, with a pink Mohican and boasting about his fleet of sports cars. He is so ridiculously vain, he even has a plastic six-pack, contoured into his stomach. He says he's proud of his fraudulent physique despite looking like a Teletubby wearing a bullet-proof vest.
In the diary room Bobby gives polite reasons why viewers should save him – 'I'd like to get to know my fellow housemates better' blah, blah, blah. Surely he'd get more votes if he said, 'You should save me because I'm a complete psycho and you ain't seen nothing yet.'
He has been the undoubted star of the series so far. Or, at least, 'Bad Bobby' has, who spent the early part of the week slagging off the Z-list detritus he found himself co-habiting with, and sweating into a tin can he then fed to Mr Paparazzi. Lyons said he had drunk far worse, and for anyone who has tasted Aussie lager that's an understandable claim.
In between talking to himself in mirrors, Bobby has been showing great potential to turn into Jack Nicholson in The Shining. If only they had armed him with an axe this could have been a great series.
'I think she'll bleed you dry for everything you're worth,' Bobby told Lucien regarding Amy Childs. He summed Katona up thus, 'Sweet girl, entertaining at times, but a complete fucking moron.' If this didn't earn him instant hero status, then I'm watching the wrong show. Annoyingly, Bobby later decided to make up with everyone. Here's hoping this only proves temporary and he reverts to his old behaviour, starting by shitting in Katona's bed.
This is like when reality TV ate itself, then regurgitated some of the entrails before snacking on them when hit by hunger pangs.
Amy Childs – another 'who the fuck?' for anyone not familiar with TOWIE – talks like that 'Am I Bovvered?' character and is such a simpleton she makes Jedward appear like Stephen Hawking's genius offspring. She also has the same dead eyes as fellow tabloid fembot Katie Price. Her only contribution to proceedings so far has been to extensively discuss her expertise in the fine art of decorating lady gardens. Like Childs, whenever Katona opens her fatuous gob, it inspires pure revulsion. She is still spinning out the same story of retribution, and doing it for her kids she has made a living from for the best part of a decade.
Jedward are shown in the gym creating sounds on the running machines which turns into a montage set to Eric Prydz 'Call On Me'. Jedward being electrocuted in their lycra suits is actually quite funny, but they could have done with upping the voltage.
Ah, this looks exciting. Hoff's ex could be about to impale her hand on a spike. A test of her courage as the lion from Wizard Of Oz… No… Boring… She's survived the ordeal unscathed.
Come on Channel 5. You need to come up with more dangerous and demanding tasks. Here's an idea for you: send in an Al-Qaeda operative during the night who sneaks a snuke up Amy Childs' snizz. Then the other housemates have 24 hours to try and disarm it before it goes off, scattering vajazzle to the four corners of Elstree.
Tara shows Amy how to dance alluringly. Tara may have partied a little too hard in her time but she also comes across as the most genuine woman in there. She also calls the eviction – it's a 2-horse race between Sally and Bobby, she reckons.
'Big Brother House, this is Brian…'. Here we go. 'The housemate with the fewest votes and the first to leave is… Sally.' Only one per cent in the vote between Sally and Bobby, Dowling informs. Hmm…closer than expected. Still, a win's a win.
Back in the early days, Big Brother was an interesting social experiment. But now…this is like when reality TV ate itself, then regurgitated some of the entrails before snacking on them when hit by hunger pangs – especially for anyone who has tuned into Celeb BB's Bit On The Side. But not to worry, Darryl will have eaten far worse. For a man whose employees are paid to crawl around in the gutter trying to get shots of Paris Hilton's knicker-less under-carriage, he's used to feasting on his own excrement.
Ooh, a secret eviction next Wednesday, and Marco Pierre White going in the house. Could it get any better?
By the way, for those who enjoy a flutter, Jedward will win.
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