Big Brother is back. It’s on Channel Five now, which means that it’s exactly the same, only seems cheaper. There’s a “FIVE” in the top left hand corner. Brian Dowling took over Davina McCall’s job of shouting things and doing impromptu impressions to humiliate housemate’s behind their backs. It was pretty much business as usual. Here’s a run down of the latest contestants.
To emphasise how COMPLETELY FINE she is now, Big Brother reran the clip from This Morning where Philip Schofield decided to fuck the interview and stage an intervention instead. Looks like Julie Walters playing Bridgette Nielsen.
Famous for deflowering a school kid in a movie, and yet, funnily enough, in real life Tara Reid doesn’t even do simple hugs. Katona was greeted with a wet handshake. Mr Paparazzi got a “gimme ten”.
Possibly brain damaged. Might kill someone.
Her own name totally cracks her up, and when she’s not laughing at it, she spends her days jamming old bits of glass into people’s vaginas. Apparently we’re all going to get to know the real her. I know, I know. Wicked.
Oh yeah, they’re funny now in a twatty kind of way. But once you’ve seen them sharing a disturbing shower, possibly kissing, they will be immediately put into care
An Australian historian, he describes himself as a “classic Leo – which is an anagram for “complete cunt”.
Has gone onto Big Brother to make some kind of point to her husband. He doesn’t OWN her.
Became an actor because David Beckham once wandered out of a toilet and told him to. His mission - to nervously insert himself into Amy Childs without cutting his long soap opera penis on jagged chunks of bling.
“Two words, guys: Pamela. Baywatch”. Moments later a celebrity booker was marched out of Channel Five.
Became a model by mistake. Just by being there he’s already rudely cock-blocking Coronation Street. Too handsome.
Oh yeah, they’re funny now in a twatty kind of way. But once you’ve seen them sharing a disturbing shower, possibly kissing, they will be immediately put into care.
Who do you think is going to win this thing?
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