Dragons Den 2011, Week Four: Lost Producer’s Notes

A tubby Bill Clinton look-a-like and a Mexican lady singing about tamales is all in a day's work, according to the producer’s notes for last night’s episode we found in the back of a taxi. Here are the highlights.
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Dragon’s Den

Series 9 Ep 4

TX Date 21/8/11

Producer’s Notes – Circulated 15/8/11

Production staff eyes only

Producer’s overall comments: Guys, well done on the new series so far. I think we’ve got the blend of deluded cretins and deluded Dragons about right and viewing figures suggest that the addition of Dever hasn’t had the catastrophic effect that Meaden insisted it would. Just a few tweaks to be made for this ep, as listed below. Oh, and Meaden will not be investing at all this week as her neck is particularly flappy at the moment and she’s spotted that it’s much more noticeable when she stands up to shake hands.

Opening Titles

Same as Eps 1 to 3 – Dragons play Gormley statues contemplating suicide atop disused factories.

Note to post-production: Can we please re-jig the Bannatyne shots so that he looks less like he’s been embalmed. He already resembles a drunk mourner without people thinking he’s actually dead. Maybe CGI a twitch in his eye or the like?

Scene 1: Intro by boz-eyed gimp boy.

Same as usual please, folks. No-one listens to this bit so feel free to re-use any old scripts.

Note to cameras/ lighting: Chaps, please increase the backlighting on gimp boy. If we accentuate his wingnuts enough he may flounce off the next series and we can finally get Barrowman in.

Scene 2: Pitch from this fat Bill Clinton-looking bloke

Pitching will be Bob. 55-ish, probable alcoholic but we’ve got a runner with him all day to keep him off the sauce. He’ll be in a dinner jacket for no apparent reason. He’s built a plastic box in which idiots stand to have tennis balls blown up their chuff.

Note to make-up: Bob has this massive red conk. Do yer best.

Anticipated outcome: I’d be amazed if anyone invests, it’s like a Poundland version of The Cube. Devey, however, has shown a propensity for buying into this kind of seaside tat, keep a camera on her.

Note to make-up, hair and costume: Ladies, I know you’re still getting to grips with Dever but last week you somehow managed to make her look like Queen of the psychotic lesbian stormtroopers. This is perfect, keep it up.

Scene 3: Pitch from plummy bird

Camilla (an over-privileged Home Counties housewife type with too much time on her hands) will be pitching an idea to make her even more money by renting out her mate’s houses. Or something. Who cares?

Note to make-up: Linda has asked to do her own make-up as she doesn’t want the lower classes touching her face. Let her.

Anticipated outcome: All the Dragons will see right through it but feign interest in case they one day bump into Camilla at a polo match.

In an attempt to break away from being constantly offside, Emile Heskey has ‘invented’ a steam-driven Jason mask. For fucks sake.

Scene 4: Pitch from sweaty car dealer type

Fraser has invented a thing to keep your things in when you go for a swim on holiday. Seems like a perfectly good idea with a working sample, orders in place and a genuine chance of being a world beater.

Anticipated outcome: No-one will invest. Good idea or not, it’s in the middle of the show so they won’t go for it. Dragons only invest in the first and last idea. I know it’s mental but that’s the format. Forget it and move on.

Scene 5: Pitch from Emile Heskey

In an attempt to break away from being constantly offside, Emile Heskey has ‘invented’ a steam-driven Jason mask. For fucks sake.

Anticipated outcome: What do you think?

Scene 6: Pitch from another Reggae Reggae wannabe

Marcella will be singing along to a mariachi band in a pathetic attempt to copy Levi Roots and mask the fact she is flogging over-priced chilli paste in tubs.

Note to sound: You have to record a six-piece acoustic mariachi band without getting any mics in shot. Good luck.

Anticipated outcome: This bird is only interested in Jones. If the lanky get thinks he can turn a bob by getting her tubs in Sainsburys, he’ll invest. I know for a fact, though, that Mexican food gives him bellowing flatulence so he may well pass (wind).

Scene 7: Pitch from mother and daughter from Newcastle

They’re flogging pottery or something but don’t worry about this one. Dragons don’t invest in Geordies. Never have, never will.

Scene 8: Pitch from a cross between Simon Pegg and Mickey Pierce

Robert has found a new way of making queues even more unbearable by covering them in adverts. Robert is therefore a twat.

Anticipated outcome: Hopefully one of the Dragons will run at him, sever his head with a scissor kick before booting it down the stairs. Alternatively, Devey might invest, which is much the same thing.

Note to sound: The vocal lightening effect you’ve applied to Dever is brilliant but can we try and go lighter still? Maybe from Marlboro to Silk Cut? We’ve had viewers complaining that she causes distortion even to sub-woofers.

End credits

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