Fantasy Celebrity Big Brother

Big Brother doesn't have to be a tedious Z-List fest, just imagine if this lot were trapped in a house for two weeks.
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Celebrity Big Brother is coming. Let’s face it, it’s going to be shit. For one thing, the show was crying out to be locked in a time capsule and fired into outer space when it came to a (temporary) end last year. For another thing, it’s on Channel 5 now.

So we’re not holding out any hope of it being anything more than a gang of z-listers parading about witlessly and hovering just above the full-on nervous breakdown line for the best part of a month. With that in mind, here’s the line-up we’d love to see in the Celebrity Big Brother house...

Kim Jong-Il

The North Korean leader desperately needs to improve his profile outside of his homeland and what better way to do it than to be locked up in the CBB house for a few weeks with some twats who used to be in the charts and on the telly. His need to control every situation would be tested, but if he can somehow persuade the rest of the housemates to refer to him as ‘Glorious Leader’ while marching around the garden in a tribute parade, he’ll consider it a job well done.

Gerard Depardieu

The calamity-faced French actor is in the news at the moment for taking a piss in the aisle of an aeroplane. Deranged, anti-social behaviour like that would make him perfect for the show, and if he’s content to drain his snake wherever he likes, it’ll mean less of a queue for the actual toilet. Gerard’s fond of a drink as well, so he probably wouldn’t stray too far from the mooted 24-hour bar that will be in the house.

Heather Mills

While we’re on the subject of being legless, Celebrity BB is the perfect platform for the former Mrs McCartney to force her way back into the spotlight. Okay, she may now be rich beyond her wildest dreams, but you can’t buy the oxygen of publicity, and she’d be all over the opportunity to be in the spotlight like... well, like a monoped model all over a moptop.

Another gobshite who would relish the chance to be able to parp his dangerous, deranged opinions to the nation on a daily basis

Joey 'Nietzsche' Barton

Another gobshite who would relish the chance to be able to parp his dangerous, deranged opinions to the nation on a daily basis, Joey would have to prise himself away from his beloved Twitter account while in the house but he’d welcome a break from his ongoing squabbles with the Newcastle United hierarchy. The self-confessed Che Guevara nut would probably form a close, if misguided alliance with top communist Kim Jong-Il.

Barry George

The celeb-obsessed non-murderer would be in his element in the CBB house. With loads of minor stars for him to become fixated on, it’d be great to see George spinning yarns about his dead cousin Freddie Mercury while adopting the mannerisms of his fellow housemates. It’ll be no surprise if he saws his own leg off with a butter knife as he tries to ‘become’ Heather Mills.

Sexual Tina

Or as some of you know her, Hilary Devey from Dragons’ Den. This TV sensation has got a larynx made of gravel and northern gravy coursing through her veins. In short, she is a no-nonsense goddess. Expect to see fierce sexual tension between Tina and the North Korean leader as he tries to woo her back to his palace where he will make her his queen and get her to help him turn the screw even tighter on his beleaguered people.

Paul McMullan

We can’t get enough of ‘Ex-News Of The World Deputy Features Editor Paul McMullan’ (to give him his full name), the man who has appeared on the news more than anyone else over the summer, so let’s keep McMullanmania alive by bunging him into the house. It’ll be a welcome change of scene for him, instead of wandering around London looking for news organisations to talk to or kipping under the Newsnight desk in a nest made from empty whisky bottles.

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