For the first time in almost three months the question on everyone's lips is not who did Frankie Cocozza do, but what? Well, to be fair to the telly pop gorilla - sorry, guerrilla - he has hardly kept us in the dark when it comes to his conquests. But on the subject of The Big Booting, Cocozza is uncharacteristically quiet. The red tops reckon it is connected to do with his DRUGS SHAME! and Twitter has been quick to christen him Frankie Coke-Nozza, but one imagines that Frankie can hardly be the only person who has ever been on the show who hasn't kept his nose clean. Indeed if drugs, like sex, are something one isn't doing if one is talking about it, I'd imagine Frankie's sordid life amounts to a bit of furtive hand holding with a favourite cousin and a go on the Calpol Six Plus. So perhaps the golden rule isn't what we think it is. Perhaps it's one of these:
1. Don't get butter on Gary
As a man once quite broad in belly, Gazza cannot be exposed to saturated fat otherwise he shrivels up and melts down like the Wicked Witch of the West. Frankie's first strike happened when he strolled into Gary's dressing room with his head in a Family KFC Bucket. Then there was "Pringle, anyone?"-gate. But Mr Barlow had to let him go when he saw Frankie at breakfast making an attack on the Lurpak before hammering the Cooper's Oxford.
2. Don't say no to Louis
Louis Walsh's sexuality is shrouded in mystery, but if I were a middle-aged impresario who spent his career handling hot pieces of boy band ass, I'd definitely want to sample it (and Samantha Mumba's). Louis has been on the X Factor since the fifties, since WWII, since it was all silent with captions and a man on a piano played along at the side of the stage. And as the resident veteran he feels that he should get everything he wants. And if, bafflingly, he wanted Frankie who replied "sorry man, I'm all about the P-U-S-S-Y" then Louis could have made arrangements to have him replaced with someone who puts out. And is prettier.
3. Don't try on Kelly's wigs
We'd all do it, wouldn't we, if we got to run amok backstage? K-Row has the shiniest hairpieces in the world. Imagine all that lustre on one's own scalp. Perhaps there was a hairy moment when Frankie was discovered flicking a fringe that didn't belong to him and singing "Independent Woman" into the mirror. Maybe despite the huge amount of microphones available in the studio, he was mining into one of Kels' tampons. That would definitely have made it worse.
4. Be nice to Dappy and Fazer
They may be the Itchy and Scratchy of grime ( or music kids play out of their phones on buses , I always get the two confused) but the members of N Dubz will always gather together and have judge Tulisa's back. So if Frankie were to look at them funny, or laugh at their trainers behind their backs, or laugh at their trainers to their faces he would have to leave the show for his own safety. In fact, he might be in a safe house with Professor Green right now, recording as Filth Dogg.
5. Don't mention the war! (The war between Matt Cardle and success)
Amongst the megastars, the Alexandras, Leonas and JLSess that the show has produced, there have been unlucky ones. Steve Brookstein, now famous for repeatedly refusing to be on the Buzzcocks Identity Parade. The one mums like who looks a bit fit now he's grown some hair. The super camp welsh one from a few years ago who appeared to be formed from candles and lint. And bless his ever alternative and indie loving heart, but I'd put money on last year's winner Matt Cardle soon becoming known only as "you know, he looked like a thinner Ricky Gervais. I think he had a hat. Was there a hat?" So when little Frankie confided in the judges that he wished to be as successful as Old Curdly Cardigan, the X Factor elders decided the skanky scamp had taken one mickey too many and turfed him out.
Why wouldn't he try to get it on with David Essex's former missus?
Wither the X Factor audience. Many of the viewers at home are tweens, teens, nans in sparkly cardigans and women who buy sovereign jewellery from Index. When you're up on stage it's like having to hold the attention of a million magpies. And there's a directly proportional link between the success of a contestant and the amount of glitter they smear on themselves. Seriously, I made a graph. Although it's a bit wonky because I had to bend it to fit on Rachel Adedeje. And when Frankie started muttering about credibility when it was suggested he might like to wear a silver wetsuit for David Bowie week, he was out. This also explains why Kitty is still in the competition.
7. The camera needs to see everything your family do
Gary's got a fist of pure emotion- and if he thought Papa Cocozza was reluctant to let the crew film an operation to remove his ingrown toenail, or Flopsy Cocozza wouldn't tear up for the team after being diagnosed with mixamatosis he would be banging that fist on the judging table and demanding a new contestant who had read their contract and understood that anyone connected with Syco was entitled to a lifetime supply of upskirt pictures of the contestant's mum.
8. Hands off Sinitta
Simon Cowell may have gone Stateside but that doesn't mean he can't keep an eye on his exes. Reported sightings of Frankie's Cocozza suggest it's been everywhere from Newcastle (the Geordie shore girls) to Argyle (inside a left behind Little Mix legwarmer). So why wouldn't he try to get it on with David Essex's former missus? "Hey there, you looking for a Macho Man? Well, I...can sing a bit of it." Frankie, don't shit on your own doorstep. And if you didn't shag Sinitta, still don't shit on your own doorstep. Dermot has a very keen sense of smell.
9. Put your towels in the laundry basket
Because if you shared a room with Frankie and stood on a wet flannel, you couldn't be certain that he had only used it to clean his face. It could be that Marcus had the spunk to complain about Frankie's laundry abuse and the judges washed their hands of him. Which left Frankie on a sticky wicket.
10. Eat nothing but Nando's
The entire UK music industry is powered by spicy chicken. If you want to work in pop you need to know that two regular sides equals one fino and that Macho Peas will enhance your download sales. So after his 127th consecutive meal of Portugese poulet Frankie may have been moved to wipe his face on his paper napkin and say "guys, maybe tomorrow night we could just go for a curry?" He'd be out faster than you could say half chicken with extra hot Peri Peri and a corn on the cob.
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