I'm A Celeb 2011, Day Two: Freddie Bares His Teeth

The big fella makes mincemeat of Mark Wright, Fatima gets all teary and Jessica reveals her front pairing early doors...
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This is a waxwork

Two nights in and it's already clear that this series would be fucked without Freddie Starr. With the appearance of a pygmy crocodile who has swallowed a goat, the Scouse comedian is the epicentre of everything that is good, bad and ugly about the show, and it was never in doubt that he would trounce Mark Wright, who I imagine has styled himself on a discounted 'Ken' model that had suffered slight melting and his sister picked up from an Essex toy shop in 1993.

Never, in the history of IMACGMOOH has anyone tore into a bushtucker trial with such abandon. He crunched, chewed, sucked, slurped and swallowed his way through everything from camel toe (see what they did there, hey, hey?) to cockroaches. Mark didn't like the cockroaches, which is apt seeing as that Cannabalism was eradicated from Essex in the 1960s.

The violent retch he went into at one point was fine TV, and probably mirrored the horrified look of any number of glamour models when he perfoms cunnilingus with a technique that is one part St Bernard, three parts flesh eating zombie.

I sort of feel sorry for Jessie-Jane Clements, she is nothing but a pair of tits, a garden rake that has picked up two deflating footballs

Poor Mark couldn't even work out why the nation had chosen him and, even if he's sure to catch on after his 10th successive trial, a cameraman should probably have told him it's because we all think you're a cunt, pal.

After Freddie had passed out due to a previously unknown allergy to Kangaroos anus - but not before delivering the immortal line "anyone who wears a bandana, fake tan and face cream has no chance…" - and was rushed to hospital (just where is this 'jungle?') we were left with the rest of the pillocks.

Fatima, fresh from shaving her chin with a huge bush knife wept because Freddie used to 'make her laugh', Willie bounced around like a Leprechaun with a severe case of Syphilis and the gay fella from Coronation Street tried to suck a golf ball through a 20 foot snake, something he was hugely disappointing at "I just didn't have the strength…"

It was at this time that the hashtag #knockerwatch starting appearing in my timeline. I sort of feel sorry for Jessie-Jane Clements, she is nothing but a pair of tits, a garden rake that has picked up two deflating footballs. I imagine screwing her would be akin to instant Necrophilia without the warmth. Jody Morris was moved to tweet "I thought she's have a better back door than that #backwithaslitin'. Let's hope that one day he loses all of the money and goes in the jungle so the nation can remember what a contemptible little prick he is.

If Freddie is unfit to continue then this show is screwed. He’s already showing signs of going batshit insane and will, without a shadow of a doubt, ten days in and hungry, eviscerate someone on screen. If he has to go then he should be allowed one last bushtucker trial, feasting on  the hideous Stephanie Powers and that gummy bear from Benidorm. The hides of which, on first look, would make the toughtest kanagaroo bollock seem as soft as Filet Mignon…

I'm a Celebrity 2011, Day 1: Freddie And The Screamers

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