Jodie Marsh, The Only Way Is Essex And A DIY Vajazzle Kit

The handbag-skinned glamour model claims TOWIE is spoiling the good name of Essex, but the cast are too busy glue-gunning crystals to the legs of models to care...
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There are certain things that no-one ever wants to hear from a celebrity. Jeremy Clarkson giving you fashion advice. Joan Rivers' recommendations for aging gracefully. Paris Hilton offering her career progression tips. Lindsay Lohan making detox suggestions.

But the ultimate case of 'pot calling kettle an orange whore' came this week, when Jodie Marsh accused the carotene crew of The Only Way Is Essex of giving her fair county a bad name.

Talking to the press about the latest reality TV phenomenon, the walking stretchmark complained "I think the people are just making us look stupid. It is embarrassing and the people on that show are probably the worst possible examples of people from Essex."

Actually, they're not 


worst, that particular honour falls a little closer to home. And let's be honest, any woman who appears in a TV show to find a husband and then marries him in The Sugar Hut


, doesn't need any help in looking like a grade-A fuckwit.

Thankfully, Jodie's harsh words are likely to fall on deaf ears, as the characters of TOWIE are clearly enjoying their time in the spotlight's ultraviolet glow. They're busy launching books, bars and all manner of merchandise to supplement their meagre appearance fee (£50 per day) for starring in the show. Given that their Stateside counterparts have just signed a new $100,000 deal for each episode of Jersey Shore, it's hardly surprising that they're keen to leverage their newfound celebrity status.

At this point, one of Mansfield's most eligible bachelors sidled up to my friend, looked her up and down, and asked "Is that tit-wank?"

Yesterday, Mark Wright turned up to promote the show's latest high-quality brand extension - the official TOWIE 'Vajazzle Kit'. Because nothing screams quality like a gusset full of cheap stick-on crystals. The perfect gift for anyone who fancies a little sparkle on their twinkle, it'll leave you looking as though you've just been violated by Edward Cullen.

Hamstrung by some fairly stringent indecency laws, Mark and his glamorous assistants were unable to demonstrate the true wonders of a groin that sparkles like a petrol station whisky tumbler. Instead, Mark had to make do with demonstrating the easily-applicable bedazzlements on the assorted models' legs and stomachs.

Cue flashback music... I once went out clubbing with a girl called Gemma, who'd decided to embellish her not inconsiderable decolletage with a squirt of glitter gel. At the start of the evening, she was shimmering like Shirley Eaton in her big death scene. But by midnight, the heat from the disco lights had taken its toll, and the gel had begun to peel. At this point, one of Mansfield's most eligible bachelors sidled up to my friend, looked her up and down, and asked "Is that tit-wank?"

Needless to say, a similarly post-coital effect can be achieved by wearing a clump of assorted vajazzlements at the top of the thigh. Come on, who doesn't love a woman who appears to be too busy partying to wipe herself down with a damp flannel?

If their vajazzling empire doesn't take off, at least the cast of TOWIE have a number of other business ventures to explore. For instance, the girls seem to be lining up to appear on Peter Andre's arm, helping him to fill the void left by Katie Price. Although I'm not sure how one void can fill another - isn't that how anti-matter is created?

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