The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)
Frank and The Mayor are in discussion...
Mayor: Now Drebin, I don't want any trouble like you had on the South Side last year, that's my policy.
Frank: Well, when I see five weirdos, dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that's my policy!
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of 'Julius Caesar,' you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!
Frank is reminiscing to Jane...
Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Frank: No, the worst.
Frank is offered a cigar...
Vincent Ludwig: Cuban?
Frank: No, Dutch-Irish. My father was from Wales.
Well, when I see five weirdos, dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that's my policy!
Frank is consoling Mrs. Nordberg...
Frank: A good cop - needlessly cut down by some cowardly hoodlums.
Ed Hocken: That's no way for a man to die.
Frank: No... you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go!
Wilma Nordberg: [cries] Oh... Frank. This is terrible!
Ed Hocken: Don't you worry, Wilma. Your husband is going to be alright. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.
Frank: He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.
[Wilma cries again]
Ed Hocken: What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad.
Frank: Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense.
[Wilma cries again]
The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear (1991)
Frank, Nordgerg and Hocken are discussing boxing...
Frank: Hector Savage. From Detroit. Ex-boxer. His real name was Joey Chicago.
Ed Hocken: Oh, yeah. He fought under the name of Kid Minneapolis.
Nordberg: I saw Kid Minneapolis fight once. In Cincinnati.
Frank: No you're thinking of Kid New York. He fought out of Philly.
Ed Hocken: He was killed in the ring in Houston. By Tex Colorado. You know, the Arizona Assassin.
Nordberg: Yeah, from Dakota. I don't remember it was North or South.
Frank: North. South Dakota was his brother. From West Virginia.
Ed Hocken: You sure know your boxing.
Frank: All I know is never bet on the white guy.
(Nordberg nods in agreement)
I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!
Frank and Jane are discussing a suspect...
Frank: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?
Jane Spencer: He's Caucasian.
Ed Hocken: Caucasian?
Jane Spencer: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.
Frank: Awfully big moustache.
Frank is at a function...
Frank: I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!
(Music stops playing. Everyone stops talking and stares at him)
Frank: (to everybody) I mean at the time I was dating a lot
Frank and Ed Hocken are in a sex shop making inquiries...
Frank: We're looking for Hector Savage. Where is he?
Busty Female Shop Assistant: Why should I tell you, copper?
Frank: Because I'm the last line of defense between sleaze like this and the decent people of this town.
(a male shop assistant walks in from a back storeroom)
Sex Shop Assistant: Oh, hi, Frank. Say, we finally got that model D83 Swedish sure-grip suck machine that you ordered.
Frank: It's a gift.
Frank greeting the wheelchair bound Dr. Manheimer...
Frank: Don’t get up.
Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult (1994)
Frank and Tanya are playing chess...
Tanya Peters: What are you doing?
Frank: Oh! I was, uh, just conjugating my next move.
Tanya Peters: Your bishop's exposed.
Frank: It's these pants.
Frank and Ed Hocken are talking about his retirement...
Frank: Well... We shot a lot of people together. It's been great. But today I retire, so if I do any shooting now, it'll have to be within the confines of my own home. Hopefully, an intruder and not an in-law, like at my bachelor party.
Uh, so many are cold, shivering in the night, so I say, butcher those cats, skin them! Use their fur to keep hundreds warm!
Frank and Racquel Welch at an awards ceremony...
Frank: Uh, Raquel, just a second, I just had a thought. This show is being seen all over the world. I was thinking, if we could all just send good thoughts, transmit them through these cameras here, to the elected leader of China, Wing Wa Woo Tong, so that they might finally be nice. Thank you.
Raquel Welch: And the winner is...
Frank: Uh Raquel, so many go to bed hungry in this nation, yet cat food is full of tuna! I can't help but think each time I go to the zoo and see those porpoises, crammed into those tiny tanks, what a waste that is. Butcher half of them now! That's hundreds of pounds of dolphin meat that can be fed to our cats, freeing up that tuna for our nation's hungry.
(few people clap)
Raquel Welch: And the winner is...
Frank: Uh, so many are cold, shivering in the night, so I say, butcher those cats, skin them! Use their fur to keep hundreds warm!
Raquel Welch: (shocked) Jesus, Phil!
Frank is in the prison cafeteria...
Frank: Hey! You call this slop? Real slop has got chunks in it! This is more like gruel! And this Château le Blanc '68 is supposed to be served slightly chilled! This is room temperature! What do you think we are, animals?
Frank: Then what are we?
(the entire mess hall is silent with puzzlement)
Mess Hall Convict: Uh... Homo sapiens?
Frank: You're right! We're men! We are men! We are men...
Naked Gun Trilogy, funniest moments
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