It starts with Spenny in a psychotherapy session. We applaud anyone who prioritises their mental health, but we have to question the professional ethics of a practitioner who welcomes a reality TV crew into their premises. “In the end, I think it’s always going to be OK,” is how Spencer sums up his problems. Hurrah! He’s cured already! “Well, I wonder, because you are actually sitting in a psychotherapy session,” says the psychotherapist. Has she been briefed about Spencer’s extreme forgetfulness? Or was Spenny tricked?
Enough of the serious, gloomy stuff - it’s pardy time! A very bronzed Lucy Watson is telling Binks where it all went wrong with Spencer. He shagged “at least four” other girls. “We were living together for two months, seeing each other every day, I had no idea, someone had to tell me. He’s just an absolute pro.” One can only boggle at the amount of admin involved in running Spencer’s love life. He probably gets through more shag related paperwork staples in a week than the EU does in a year.
Andy and Louise arrive - Louise wearing the sort of kaftan that they might give you as a gown in a field hospital - and we meet Andy’s friend Miffy. Let’s say that again, shall we? Andy’s friend Miffy. We hope against hope that Andy is just channelling Jimmy Stewart in Harvey and is talking to an imaginary rabbit. But no, Miffy is just a boy with a mate - Freddie - in a pale pink shirt and Johnny Bravo hair, if Johnny Bravo had just taken off a hat. Of course he bloody is. And Freddie “knows” Lucy Watson and wants to know if she’s seeing anyone. Lucy must be the most eligible woman at the party. She’s single, she’s wearing a white bikini (a reassuring sign that she’s coordinated enough to use a tampon) and her Dad owns a pub. Get in, Fred!
Spencer has finished trying to work out his innermost thoughts - or working out if he has any innermost thoughts - and he’s hitting the pool, dressed fairly formally in shorts and an unbuttoned shirt. He’s ready to join the pardy, but he still hasn’t joined a gym. He tells Biscuits that Louise has been texting her in St Tropez. “Would you have sex with her?” asks Jamie. “Of course I’d have sex with her, I’d have sex with any of my exes! That’s why they were my girlfriends in the first place!" Oh, come on Spenny, you must have chosen at least one for her sparkling personality.
Phoebe is hanging out with ex Alex, and is showing how unrelaxed and fun she is by aping the style of the world’s premiere weed smoker, Snoop Dogg / Lion and wearing her hair with cornrows in the back. Just in case this is too subtle, she’s wearing a black lacy body-stocking to remind Alex that she has tits. But she claims to be “excited” about Single Biscuits. To the hot tub! She leaves Alex with Fran to show how fun she is by shrieking at some giant Connect Four. Miffy is reintroduced to Lucy, giving us the opportunity to appreciate the situation happening in Miffy’s mouth. He’s either fallen asleep with the Crest strips on for three nights in a row, or he had a big pre party freak out and painted his teeth with correctional fluid. You can just imagine him doing the first one, having a cry and knowing that he had to keep going, or else he’d look really ridiculous. Unsurprisingly, Lucy turns down his request for a drink. “I’m not really in that headspace,” she explains. Not when the space within the head is currently occupied by rows of tiny Tippex teeth. Still, she admires his chutzpah. “Good form, good balls” agrees Rosie, sounding as posh and proper as is appropriate when admiring the chat up technique of a man named Miffy.
It’s Mark Francis! Mark Francis in muted linens and some peppy apricot fluoro cashmere, exposing enough chest hair to make a girl question everything she thought she knew about her own sexuality. He’s in a boat with Binky, who is messing about. “You capsize this boat, I’ll capsize your world,” he warns. So, so swoonsome.
Ol’ Nostrils points out that new girls Belle and Tiffany are now playing giant Connect Four. There is something joyful about introducing new characters with names at either end of the class spectrum. Let Chelsea be a Marxist utopia! Of course, Tiffany may just be called that because she has the world’s largest private collection of Tiffany tiaras. We’ll see.
Lou and Lucy have a sweary stand off, and mediation comes from a surprising source - Rosie! “I don’t think Spencer knows how to treat a girlfriend,” she says, diplomatically, as her hair inflates with sweetness and peace keeping. Later, Andy tells Lucy that he can’t be close to her because he’s in a “rocky relationship” - and Lucy tells Andy that Louise has been taking her top off at house parties. Maybe Louise just got a bit hot! She is a bit too little to reach up and open a window.
Next, we see Boulle’s Boulles! Francis is hanging out in the pool, having been Martin Prince-d of his pants. Luckily, Rosie is on hand. “Would you please pass me your shorts, and this is probably a really awkward time to ask, but would you like to go for a drink with me?” Rosie passes the shorts but declines. Oh, come on Rosie, you must have seen something you liked down there.
Andy confronts Louise about Lucy’s revelation. “You were topless...and dancing...” You know the rules, Lou. If you get them out, don’t jig about. “I deserve better” says Andy, sadly. Oh, Louise. Andy goes to retrieve his stuff from Lou’s house, wearing his most serious, somber glasses. It’s definitely over. He’s taking his guitar.
Spencer is having a drink with Stevie and Louise’s little brother Sam, who is fighting his sister’s corner. Kind Spencer volunteers to help. Stevie’s face flickers with alarmed recognition, realising straight away that Spencer’s most “helpful” organ is usually his penis. Take that bullet, Stevie! Well, not that bullet.
The bois - Proudlock, Biscuits and Boulle, are getting some bro time in with Alex and discussing the perilous nature of Alex’s crush on Fran. Phoebe will definitely get her bunny boil on. (Pray for Miffy, for he is the most bunny-like creature to hand.) Phoebe arrives, dressed as a mix of Mr Motivator and Danny McBride in Eastbound and Down, and learns Alex kissed Fran goodbye. “Obviously it isn’t true! Obviously it was just like this!” she squawks, giving Boulle a surprisingly sexy demonstration neck kiss, her eyes locked on Alex the whole time. “No, it was on the lips,” explained Alex, and Phoebe’s features spring apart with rage. She’s so angry that her nose might actually fall off.
Stevie has not been successful - Spencer, his helpful penis leading him like a divining rod, has gone to Louise’s to “help”. “I know that your heart is in the right place,” says Spencer, appointing himself as some sort of moral PR man. He defends his actions to Stevie at the gym, saying “I wasn’t there to say ‘Oh, poor Wubby.’” Urghhh. Louise has enough to worry about without Spencer nicknaming her after dubstep noises. Rosie offers some more straightforward support. “Lucy Watson is not worth your energy. You need to focus on sorting things out with Andy,” she says, sensibly. That is going to take a lot of focus. Good thing Louise doesn’t seem to have a job.
Phoebe ambushes Fran and Cheska about the Alex situation. “It’s that paranoia and betrayal that I had with Alex that makes me so frustrated,” she complains. Please, please see Spencer’s psychotherapist. He can probably get you a referral discount. Cheska asks if it would ever, ever be OK for Fran or Alex to find romantic happiness separately or together. “No” says Fran flatly. Well, at least no-one is going to force her to organise a hen night in a hurry.
Despite Binky’s warnings, Spencer decides to have it out with Lucy Watson, which goes predictably badly. “I’m friends with all my exes bar you!” he shouts. Spencer, you’re always friends with every ex bar the last one for sheer sodding convenience. And a very broken Andy is telling Stevie that he’s had “the confidence smashed out of me. [Spencer] was like a dark cloud from day one.” Poor Andy. He’s awfully poetic when he’s had his heart broken.
Next time, Phoebe clones Alex’s debit card and spends all his money, so that his Match.com direct debit cannot be processed, meaning he will be forever alone unless he is prepared to spend seven hours on the phone to NatWest. Louise steals Boulle’s trunks for extra coverage, to prevent any further accusations of nudity. And we meet Miffy’s best friend, Cottontail.