For those who don’t know or haven’t been told, Masterchef: The Professionals is the greatest incarnation of the show – and, hilariously, it’s a show that shouldn’t work, but does! They’re judging food, you bastards. Food. Food that you can’t taste because it’s on television. You just look at them making it, then Gregg Wallace and Michel Roux Junior tell you how nice it is. Put short – Roux Junior likes it pretty, and Gregg gets a half-stiffy when pudding arrives.

Tonight is the final. Obviously this show doesn’t have the same, “BOOM! CRASH! CHEEER LLLLOOYDD!” as the X Factor, so all three contestants are just nameless kitchen hands in white tops. Does anyone else find it absolutely impossible to remember names without Graham from Blind Date yelling it into your ear these days? So instead we’ve got Big Girl (aka Atomic Bagpuss), Shaky Hands, and Other One. The only notable feature about Other One being that he summarises his faults in each round before the judges can stick the knife in – essentially he’s doing their job for them. Gregg will like that.

They’re judging food, you bastards. Food. Food that you can’t taste because it’s on television.

Yesterday’s show – part one of a three hour cookery marathon, found our three hopefuls honing their skills at pudding making, and then heading to Denmark to wander along a beach tasting actual bits of grass, whilst a pretend Danish chef presumably recorded these English idiots for a Scandanavian hidden camera show. All building up to an almighty crescendo where ALL THREE CONTESTANTS would eventually make a really nice lunch for Michel and Gregg.

Big Girl cooked in a sexy pair of glasses, and seduced the judges with some lovely fish. Unfortunately, her meat course – consisting of a half-sheep-half-lamb monster and some carrots – was bloody horrible. She hadn’t rendered the fat! Damn it woman!  She cried and punched herself in the face. Roux Junior looked on awkwardly. Gregg laughed that guttural laugh of his.

Other One presented his dishes, which looked as if they’d been lovingly cooked, but then assembled by a monkey, and explained to the judges that he still needs to work on the presentation, but the taste is still there. Michel and Gregg had nothing to add. Although Michel did mutter something about the duck looking appalling, but tasting like something God Almighty would order in a restaurant.

And finally, it was Shaky Hands – who has cleverly taken to basing his food on the works of Jackson Pollock. He overcooked the lamb, the cretin, but apart from that, he pretty much blew everyone’s minds. The rest of his family are miners, so probably think he’s gay. Like everyone else watching, Roux Junior was thrilled to the back teeth to learn that you can roll bread around lamb, and it won’t immediately ruin your dinner. Bingo!

Catch the final tonight.

Shaky Hands to win!

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