Peep Show: Who's The Biggest Loser, Jez or Mark?

Peep Show returns to our screens this Sunday and in honour of Channel 4's funniest sitcom I've complied a duel off between our heroes Mark & Jez to find out who's worse off.
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Cult British sitcom Peep Show returns to our screens this Sunday on Channel 4 for an 8th series. Endlessly quoteable and painfully sharp, ahead of the series 8 premiere we’ve complied a chart to decide who’s “winning” between Jez and Mark. Of course, when one chap has eaten a dead dog and the other had the most painful wedding of all time, no one really wins but still... well... I just wanted an excuse to watch my Peep Show boxset again really.

Series 1

Episode 1  - Warring Factions

Mark sees off teenagers with a lead pipe

Jez strikes out with Toni

Memorable Line - Jez: (If I laugh at everything she says, I'm bound to at least get a suck job.)

Mark 1

Jez -1

Episode 3 -  On The Pull

Mark sleeps with a goth teenager who chokes him

Jez strikes out once again with Toni at the bowling alley

Memorable Line  - Mark: (I've got to take Jeremy's advice more often: I'm out on a date with a teenage goth, smoking pot in the Lazerbowl toilets... this is it. This is literallyit. This is the sort of thing people do when they're having a good time.)

Mark 2

Jez -2

Episode 4 - Mark Makes A Friend

Mark befriends Alan and worries he might be gay

Jez gives Super Hans a blow job

Memorable Line- Mark: (Good old unfriendly Mr. Patel. Never says a word whether you're buying corn flakes, fabric softener... or gay porn.)

Mark 1

Jez -3

Episode 6 - Funeral

Mark spend the night with Sophie but thinks Jez committed suicide.

Jez thinks he might be dying and tricks Toni into getting a handjob.

Mark 0

Jez -2

Series 2

Episode 1 Dance Class

Mark finally gets his act together with Sophie

Jez meets Nancy and has the worst orgy ever

Memorable Line - Jez: (This is good. This is like watching a porno, except I can't see anything, I haven't got a hard-on, and I want to cry.)

Mark 1

Jez -3

Episode 2 - Jeremy Makes It

Mark befriends a Neo-Nazi.

Jez meets up with Gog and tries to beat him up with a baseball bat.

Memorable Line - Super Hans: I'll tell you what, that crack is really moreish.

Mark 0

Jez -4

Episode 3 - Local Hero

Mark stalks Sophie and looks like a tramp on the news.

Jez loses Nancy to a tramp

Memorable Line - Jez: (She probably has really nice kidneys. Yeah, I'd fuck those kidneys real good.)

Mark -1

Jez -5

Episode 4 - University Challenge

Mark pretends to be a mature student at Dartmouth to seduce a student

Jez fails to lead out his band at a gig.

Memorable Line(s) - Super Hans: The secret ingredient [waves hand] is crime.

Mark: [As Jez and Mark leave] (This is's just one of those things that will haunt me forever.)

Mark -2

Jez -6

Episode 5 - The Man Show

Mark tries to befriend Jeff and fails miserably.

Jez loses Jeff as a mate.

Memorable Line - Jeremy: Brilliant, Mark. My mate and your woman have just gone off to fuck each other. What are we gonna do now? Go and make a tent in the living room and eat Dairylea? Is that what you want? Because that's what's gonna happen.

Mark -3

Jez -7

Episode 6 -Wedding

Jez marries and then cheats on Nancy

Mark finally sorts things out with Sophie

Memorable Line - Mark:  I'm in the book, Mark Corrigan (Too formal, lighten things up [winks at her]. Light, not slimey, ohhh can't retract the wink...unless...[winks a few times]) See you (Brilliant - the twitching freak, works every time)

Mark -4

Jez -13

Series 3

Episode 1 Mugging

Jez has a threesome, gets pegged and loses out on Big Suze

Mark gets mugged in an alleyway by some teens

Memorable LineMark - (Do me? Are they going to rape me or kill me? I hope they kill me then rape me...I kinda win...)

Mark -5

Jez -15

Episode 2 - Sectioning

Mark loses Sophie  as she has to move to Bristol for work.

Jez  tries to co-own a pub with Super Hans.

Memorable Line - Super Hans: People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can't trust people, Jeremy.

Mark -6

Jez -14

Episode 3 - Shrooming

Mark almost craps in a bag.

Jez misses his chance with Big Suze.

Mark:(If I end up marrying Sophie and we live in a detached house in Surrey and we buy a holiday home in Umbria, our children will always look up at the face of a man who once crapped in a takeaway bag.)

Mark -5

Jez -15

Episode 4 - Sistering

Mark falls for Big Suze

Jez sleeps with Mark’s sister

Mark[Whilst jogging] (Hey! Wow, I'm actually good at this. Maybe I'm a natural - yeah, I'm a jogger! Of course, there had to be a sport for me, I just never realised. Legs like two great steam locomotives, pumping away, I'm unstoppable - JESUS, is that a stitch? Fuck, I'm gonna be sick, I need to walk. Oh, I think I'm gonna puke, I'm literally going to die, ugh, what an idiotic boob I was back ten or eleven seconds ago.)

Mark -8

Jez -12

Episode 5 - Jurying

Make successfully fakes taking E

Jez sleeps with defendant on jury service

Mark: While we’re at it, there are systems for a reason in this world. Economic stability, interest rates, growth. It’s not all a conspiracy to keep you in little boxes, alright? It’s only the miracle of consumer capitalism that means you’re not lying in your own shit, dying at 43 with rotten teeth. And a little pill with a chicken on it is not going to change that. Now come on... fuck off.

Mark -7

Jez -11

Episode 6 - Quantocking

Mark "proposes" to Sophie

Jez gets with Big Suze while Super Hans goes cold turkey.

Memorable Line - Mark: (She's looking for company after a minute of uncomfortable silence. Well, get used to it, baby. There'll be a lot more where that came from when we're married.)

Mark -10

Jez -10

Series 4

Episode 2 - Conference

Mark tries to run away from a presentation and pretends he’s dying

Big Suze leaves Jez for Johnson

Mark: (Oh great, now I'm getting an erection. How grimly predictable.)

Mark -13

Jez -15

Episode 3 - Gym

Mark claims his personal trainer touched his penis.

Jez craps in the pool.

Manager: Can you describe exactly what happened, Mr. Corrigan.

Mark: Uh.. Well, uh, h-he was... uh, g-giving me a m-massage. And, uh, h-he was going up my... legs and my thighs an-and then he... touched my penis... then he rubbed my... penis. Quite a bit. An-and I said "stop". But he wouldn't stop.

Mark -14

Jez -16

Episode 4 – Handyman

Jez gives music producer handjobs for money.

Mark fails to seduce Sally.

Memorable Line - Super Hans: Why didn't you tell me about the wanking-off bit?

Jez: Sorry, I didn't think.

Super Hans: Well you should've bloody thought. Jesus!

Jez: Did you do it?

Super Hans: 'Course I did. How do you think I got these trainers?

Mark -15

Jez -17

Episode 5 - Holiday

Mark fails to pull on his own stag weekend.

Jez eats a dog "Mummy".

Memorable Line -Mark: Did you actually have to eat it?

Jez: I don't know. I keep wondering that. But in the moment, it really did feel like I needed to eat it.

Mark -16

Jez -18

Episode 6 - Wedding

Mark marries Sophie against his will.

Jez pisses himself.

Memorable Line  (I personally think this is the funniest episode in Peep Show history so any would have done.)

Mark:: You know you really do smell quite strongly of piss.

Jez:: Yes, and your hat and shoe smell of puke, so I guess neither of us are exactly the king, are we?

Mark -21

Jez -19

Series 5

Episode 1 – Burgling

Mark has a crap date.

Jez finds out he has the clap.

Memorable Line - Jez: It smells wrong. I mean, the Megatron doesn't say 'urban freewheeelers', it says 'sofa masturbators'...y'know

Mark -22

Jez -24

Episode 2 – Spin War

Mark tries to have sex with Dobby in toilet where Sophie is throwing up

Jez and Super Hans corrupt Sophie's younger brother Barney.

Memorable Line - Mark: Yeah, alright Leyton was a bit of a paedo. But it was old style paedoing. Before it got such a bad name. (Of course, Leyton only ever really had eyes for Duncan Carpenter, the doe-eyed little flirt).

Mark -25

Jez -23

Episode 3 – Jeremy’s Broke

Mark loses out on Dobby, Saz and Sophie

Jez wanks using a £20 note

Memorable Line - Jez: I just want to assure you that I am not the same as the rest of these feckless cumshedders. So if you ever need anyone for a private've got my details.

Mark -28

Jez -24

Episode 4 – Jeremy’s Mummy

Mark gets raped by Jez’s mum’s boyfriend’s daughter

Jez hates his mum’s new boyfriend

Memorable LineMark: (Good old Jeremy's mum. The more sophisticated end of the mum spectrum. The sort of mum you'd buy in John Lewis.)

Jez: Mummy, coffee, fucky hurry uppy.

Mark: (Whereas he's the sort of son you'd get free with Nuts magazine.)

Mark -29

Jez -25

Episode 5 – Jeremy’s Manager

Mark gets promoted, takes Jez’s new woman and then loses her

Jez plays a Christian rock concert

Memorable Line - Mark: (The one is giving me the finger and driving away. There's the familiar gut punch of pain and loneliness. Hello, old friend.)

Mark -29

Jez -28

Episode 6 – Mark’s Women

Mark thinks he’s got Sophie pregnant

Jez sleeps with Sophie, joins a cult and Super Hans smashes the new HD ready TV.

Memorable Line - Mark: (Sperm is like lending someone less than a fiver. You can't really ask for it back.)

Mark -32

Jez -31

Series 6

Episode 2 – The Test

Mark finds out he’s the father of Sophie's baby.

Jez finds out he’s not the daddy.

Memorable Line -  Mark: She is very attractive. But brown rice and Pop Tarts? Camomile tea and economy vodka? That's a car crash of a shopping basket.

Mark -34

Jez -27

Episode 3 – Jeremy In Love

Mark loses job as a tour guide.

Jez falls in love with Elena and becomes a twat.

Memorable Line - Mark: Isn't it convenient that out of the approximately three billion adult women in the world, your one true love happens to live in the same block of flats as you instead of in a village in Mozambique?

Mark -35

Jez -30

Episode 4 – The Affair

Mark tries a business with Johnson, but it’s clear he’s insane.

Jez discovers that Elena has a lover called Gail.

Memorable Line - Jez: (What a bastard! Destroys my perfect love just because it's built on lies!)

Mark -36

Jez -32

Episode 5 – The Party

Mark throws a party to impress Dobby, throws up on a snake

Jez loses Elena to Super Hans

Memorable Line - Mark: Yeah, obviously it is only a tactical party. I'm only having a party to eventually get sex.

Jez: This is only reason anyone in recorded history has had a party Mark!

Mark -37

Jez -33

Episode 6 – Das Boot

Mark tries and fails horribly to learn how to drive

Jez keeps trying to kill Gail

Memorable Line - Mark: The absolute worst thing anyone could say about you is that you were a selfish, moral blank, whose lazy cynicism and sneering, ironic take on the world encapsulates everything wrong with a generation. But you my friend, are not evil.

Mark -37

Jez -35

Series 7

Episode 1 – St Hospitals

Mark does a runner while Sophie is in labour

Jez meets his new love interest Zahra

Memorable Line - Mark: (Holy fuck, living innards! I thought now it'd be all high tech, chip and pin, not London Dungeon)

Mark -38

Jez -34

Episode 2 – Man Jam

Mark finally gets Dobby.

Jez gets a job in the music business but is a knob to Super Hans

Memorable Line - Mark - "Corfu 09."

Mark -33

Jez -33

Episode 3 – A Beautiful Mind

Mark sleeps with Dobbie without use of his new dildo Nigel

Mark helps Jez look smart at Zahra’s book club

Memorable Line - Mark: [Watching Jeremy try to read Wuthering Heights] (Fascinating. It's like watching a sheep try to use an iPhone.)

Mark -32

Jez -32

Episode 4 – Nether Zone

Mark misses his son’s Christening

Jez sleeps with Zahra but then gets caught by her boyfriend

Mark -33

Jez -33

Episode 5 – Seasonal Beatings

Mark wins Christmas

Jez turns down Mark’s sister

Mark -30

Jez -32

Episode 6 – New Years Eve

Mark moves in with Dobby

Jez is homeless

Mark -27

Jez -29

So heading into series 8 it looks like Mark has a marginally better life than Jez. Of course, I highly doubt that Jez will move out of the flat and expect Dobby to have run away by episode 3. I can't wait.

Peep Show returns to our screens on Channel 4 on Sunday 25th November at 10pm

Thanks to @stewpottery for help with the graphic