Ricky Gervais’ Leaked Golden Globes Script

Possibly found round the back of an In n' Out burger joint in Malibu, here's what Ricky Gervais will allegedly say at the Globes...
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(Applause. Long shot. Then close shot of Ricky Gervais at podium.)

Hello. Hello. Thank you. And welcome.

Welcome to the Golden Globes. Which Hugh Hefner had to explain to his young wife is not an awards ceremony for the Most Tanned Breasts. Blessher. But then she also thought that Wikileaks was a website listing all the places in LA that Charlie Sheen has urinated in public.

Though there is actually a Wikipedia page about that. But it isn’t very comprehensive. I noticed there’s no mention of the time that I was in The Ivy in Beverly Hills and Charlie staggered in and used the emptying of his bladder into the fish tank as the way of indicating exactly which lobster he wanted. Yeah, apparently he wanted the yellow one….

Yes, this is the Golden Globes’ 69th year! Amazing. To think that the awards first began in 1943 - four years into the Second World War and three years after Cher graduated. No, come on, be fair, she’s great for her age. But then anyone who’s still alive at ninety and not defecating through a hole in a chair is doing great for their age.

Thanks. You know you’re doing well with a Hollywood crowd when you can hear the collective strain on the Botox. Actually, I do have Botox myself. Just before the show I have it injected directly into my heart so that I don’t feel anything….. about any of you.

Though, funnily enough, it can’t stop my undying love for George Clooney. And 2011’s been a good year for George - nominated twice. Well done. He’s also one of the few actors who doesn’t lower himself to doing adverts… in America. No, he goes off to do them in Japan instead.

Hey, George, a bit of a heads-up - WE CAN STILL SEE YOU. It’s called the WORLD Wide Web for a reason. Think it through, mate.

(And, by the way, George, Hugh Hefner’s asked if you could get him some of those incontinence pants you advertise… but in silk.)

Before we go on - and before I forget - I’ve got a message here to read out from the rest of the Hollywood community to Sharon Osbourne: ‘Dear Sharon, could you please leave some Botox for the rest of us’. I agree, don’t overdo it, Sharon. Remember, your arse is supposed to have a crease in it.

Come to think of it, I could never understand why Sharon was ever a judge on America’s Got Talent - how can you trust the judgement of someonewho thinks it’s a good idea to put Ozzy Osbourne’s cock in their mouth?

But you do love your cosmetic surgery here in America, don’t you? If Joan Rivers has one more facelift her gynaecologist will begin her examination by saying, ‘Open wide and say ahhh….’

Speaking of repulsive twats, Mel Gibson got divorced this year. Now, as a Roman Catholic, strictly speaking Mel isn’t allowed to get divorced. But he did get special dispensation from the Vatican because the Pope thought, well, we supported the Nazis in World War Two so in for a penny

But it’s also been a great year for Hollywood to disprove the theory that it’s dumbing down… by having in the top ten most successful films of 2011 The Smurfs and Kung Fu Panda 2! Well done there. Good work. Particularly on The Smurfs. Yeah, always good to see a dwarf version of Avatar.

Though originality is still alive and well in Hollywood, as proved by the fact that 2011 saw the release of (count ’em) twenty-eight sequels. That’s more sequels than in any other single year! Not to worry, though. To combat that, a major new film has just been announced: Two Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest.

Starring Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey jnr.

Sorry. Sorry, I really should leave those two guys alone, shouldn’t I?
I mean who else am I gonna score crack from backstage? What!? It’s a joke! They never have any left to sell,obviously… be realistic…

And nice to see that Woody Allen and Roman Polanski are back on form with Midnight in Paris and Carnage. Both great directors. Both not so great babysitters. Oh come on, admit it, you’re all thinking it - you wouldn’t risk it, would you? Who wants to come home and find their goldfish crying and their Labrador on the bed wearing suspenders?

But both of their films were a bit disappointing, I thought. Midnight in Paris was not about Woody’s date with one of the Hilton sisters. And Carnage, no, listen - Carnage - surprisingly, wasn’t a film shot from the point-of-view of Ton Cruise’s proctologist.

So, huge disappointment, there… a huge opening missed…

I really do think that producer’s should think very carefully before they title a film, so as not to disappoint people. For example, the film 50/50 wasn’t actually about the chances of Donald Trump’s comb-over surviving Hurricane Irene; The Hangover 2 wasn’t about the portion of John Travolta’s stomach that won’t fit in his underpants; and the new Mission Impossible wasn’t about the attempt to get Lindsay Lohan to end of the year without contracting an STD.

So, yes: shocked, disappointed, let down. Just three of the things I had to pretend to be.

Okay, on with the show!


Now, as your next presenter, please welcome the only man in Hollywood who was butch enough to marry Madonna, Sean Penn!


Our next presenters are the woman with the million-dollar smile and the man with the five-dollar haircut - Julia Roberts and Woody Harrelson!


Next up we have the couple who prove that a twenty-two year age difference is no barrier to love… but a great reason to buy lots of Viagra and lubricant - Harrison Ford and Calista Flockheart.


It’s okay, I’ve got a getaway car waiting outside with the engine running. Fingers crossed Tiger Woods isn’t driving.

I think we should take the time here to send out a big ‘thank you’ to all the unheralded but necessary work carried out behind-the-scenes by all the builders, prop shifters and joiners who every year devote so much time to Nicholas Cage’s hair.

So, big thank you there. ‘Cos those wind machines are getting stronger.

Okay, now welcome a man who proves what a complete coward I am by the fact that I’m not saying anything about him whatsoever, Mickey Rourke.


Has he gone? Good. Actually, I do love Mickey’s work. Especially the way the stitches are hidden behind the ears.

It’s okay, I’ve got a getaway car waiting outside with the engine running. Fingers crossed Tiger Woods isn’t driving.

Anyway, great to hear that Jennifer Anniston’s next rom-com is going to be directed by Quentin Tarrantino. Apparently it’s entitled Get Me to the Freaking Church on Time, Bitch Tits. And here’s the man himself, Quentin Tarrantino.

My absolute favourite film of last year was the one about the voices in Christopher Walken’s head - Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. And here’s the man himself, the hair-raising Christopher Walken!

Sad news this year when we heard that Cheetah, the famous chimpanzee from the Tarzan movies, had died. Not many people know this but in later life Cheetah turned his back on his belief in the theory of evolution because, as he said, he couldn’t bare the thought that he was related to George Bush. Though Cheetah said he was finally forced to except that we did share a common ancestor when he saw photos of Robin Williams naked.

And here he is, son of Cheetah - the fantastic Robin Williams!


Our next presenters are a woman who is the star of such Google Image searches as ‘Cameron Diaz bikini’, ‘Cameron Diaz hot’ and ‘Cameron Diaz mouth shut’; and an actor who is master of many accents, all of them in the wrong films - Cameron Diaz and Keanu Reeves.


As a believer in the dispassionate enquiry of science, I’ve been disappointed to see the continued belief in Creationism. Creationists believe that the earth is only 10,000 years old. Rubbish. There are episodes of I Love Lucy that are older than that! And carbon dating proves that the hair used to make Burt Reynolds wig is even older - from a woolly mammoth, in fact.

And if you want to argue there’s such a thing as Intelligent Design, I’ve just got two words for you: ‘Sarah’. ‘Palin’. So that’s that theory screwed then. And, speak of the Devil, presenting our next award… no, actually it’s Satan. Only kidding, it’s the next best thing, Jack Nicholson!


So as another monumentally draining session of interminable self-congratulatory back-slapping draws to a close - and that’s just on Eddie Murphy’s couch at home - let’s all take the time to pretend to care about the people in our industry who very sadly left us this year… and appeared only in films that went straight to DVD. The poor bastards. I mean what could be worse? Okay, appearing in theatre’s worse, granted, I mean who does that? It’s not real acting. There’s no catering, for a start. Or Winnabagos.

That’s it. Thank you very much for watching. I’ll see you all next year… when I tune in to watch somebody else do this job!

Good evening.

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