1. Green Street- Lexi Alexander - 2005
Maybe not strictly about football but so bad that it’s well worth a mention. A Harvard student (Elijah Wood) is wrongfully expelled from school for cocaine possession. He visits his sister in England and almost immediately becomes a football hooligan. The entire script is based on Charlie Hunman and friends shrieking "You Want Some You Fackin c**t" in garbled cockney. Before everyone dives in for a massive tear up. Hunman's Dick Van Dyke style attempt at being an East End hard man is still far more believable than Frodo from Lord of The Rings necking pints and cracking heads with the Green Street Elite. A sequel Green Street Stand Your Ground was mercifully released straight to video in 2009.
2. Lady Bugs - Sidney J Furie - 1992
"Nobody plays the field like Dangerfield", Rodney Dangerfield to be precise. Lady Bugs was made at a point in American history when Soccer was still very much a girls sport and therefore open to ridicule. A typically bug eyed Dangerfield plays the hapless Chester Lee, a middle management type who's promised a long awaited promotion if he can successfully lead a girls football team to little league cup glory. The films unrealistic portrayal of corporate America's promotions policy is unfortunately the funniest thing about Lady Bugs. The fact Dangerfield forces his step son to dress as a girl and play for the team, avoiding the wrath of child services before marrying the boy's mother is easily the most disturbing element. Wackiness is seen as a perfectly acceptable substitute for an actual script and the endless stream of jokes about balls and ball bags wears thin after the first two or three hundred. So you’re just left waiting as the movie builds to it's inevitable conclusion. Also partly responsible for "She's the Man", which is bad enough in itself.
3. Goal 3: Taking on the World - Andrew Macaco- 2009
Not only one of the very worst films about football, but probably one of the worst films ever. The experience isn't helped by a stream of wooden cameos from a series of footballers whose ability on the pitch is directly proportional to their complete lack of acting ability off it. Stock World Cup footage is combined awkwardly with green screen images that make it feel like you're watching your mate play Pro-Evo on a battered old Playstation. The corner cutting doesn't stop there: the film was clearly made in a week for three hundred quid by people who have never seen any football or films. It is, however, frequently and accidentally hilarious. The actor chosen to play Swedish love rat Sven Goran Eriksson is a particular highlight - the director clearly just stuck some specs on the first bald male he could find. Goal 3 infuriated fans of the first two movies by completely refusing to acknowledge any of the previous story lines or characters in any detail, choosing instead to kill everyone off and start again. They should've killed everyone at the end of the second film and been done with it.
4. Soccer Dog: European Cup - Sandy Tung - 2004
The USA's hatred of soccer is so deep rooted, so inherent, that they will stop at nothing in their attempts to undermine its place as the world’s favourite pastime. To an American a "Soccer" player is no better than a mangy mongrel dog. In the case of Soccer Dog: European Cup, the dog is actually far superior to any human football fan. He's a genetically engineered super pooch who's better in the air than Dion Dublin and frequently outclasses his human teammates, whilst managing to reunite an estranged father with his personality deprived son. With some borderline xenophobic racial stereotyping of the Scottish and Sunday league standard football it's almost unwatchable. Saved only by the strong central performance of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’ Nick Moran. Not really, He's completely awful as well.
5. A Shot At Glory - Michael Corrente - 2001
Another football film, another woefully inaccurate accent. Ally Mcoist, Michael Keaton and Robert Duvall star in what is easily Hollywood's most bizarre attempt to make a movie out of the beautiful game. Mcoist plays Jackie McQuillan, the ex-Celtic legend signed by the fictitious Kilnockie FC. They hope his goals and star profile will help reverse the clubs ailing fortunes and do enough to convince Keaton's scenery chewing owner not to move the team toDublin, of all places. Duvall, who completely murders the Scottish accent plays the teams grizzled manager, Gordon McCloud. He initially hates McQuillans big time Charlie attitude and the fact that he knocked his daughter up then ran off. Fortunately they’re able to put their differences to one side just in time for the big match against the all conquering Glasgow Rangers. It really is their shot at glory. Which Duvall actually says in the movie. Mark Knopfler did the soundtrack, which consists of bagpipes and the occasional panflute.