1. HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS
Sat through what seemed like seven hours of wizard dribble simply because I heard that Hermione gets naked in this. She does, but when it finally happens it’s all CGI with loads of wispy black smoke everywhere, that ginger prick keeps crying, and Daniel fucking Radcliffe ruins the moment by making loads of spiders appear by smashing a sword or something. Nothing kills a hard-on like spiders. Swing and a miss. Don’t ‘expecto aboner’.
. TOY STORY
There are only really two bits of eye candy in this, namely Bo-Peep and Barbie, but sadly they’re both too concerned with making it out of Andy’s toy box and avoiding being bought at a boot sale by the angry kid next door to flash any plastic nipples or maybe do a quick toy-on-toy scene. You can tell they both want a bit of Woody, but he doesn’t have a penis.
Unless you’re gay (which I’m not, because oral doesn’t count) there are few less sexy things than three grizzled old men sat on a boat drinking, trying to catch a fucking massive fish now and again and telling boring stories about war. I was hoping the beach scenes would provide masturbatory relief, but it was the Seventies, so none of the women had boobs, and the only one who did got munched by the shark in the first scene. Didn’t even unzip.
. THE WIZARD OF OZ
I suppose if you imagine really, really hard then you could imagine some kind of scenario where the Tin man kneels down and rims the cowardly lion while he gives a frantic reach around to the scarecrow while Dorothy lays back and lifts up her frilly skirt and brings herself off while the Wizard screams encouragement from behind a curtain and the yellow brick road ends up getting covered in jizz, but I have neither the time or inclination to do that.
Massively frustrating, mainly thanks to the ultra-hot Princess Fiona constantly insisting on transforming into a fat ginger pig every time you get even close to finishing off. Considering she’s the only girl in the movie you’d think she’d understand the needs of a male audience, but no, she’s more bothered about being rescued by some STUPID fairy king. The only overtly sexual female in the film is the fucking dragon, and she’s only got eyes for Donkey. Has babies with him and everything. Whore.
. THE GREEN MILE
Very few prison films are sexy enough to knock one out over, with the possible exception of The Shawshank Redemption, when the warden puts his finger through the poster of the woman, or the laundry room scene for example. And this is no exception. Not even a twitch ‘down there’ as I watch Tom Hanks from Big electrocute a retarded man and his magic mouse for three hours.
. MARLEY AND ME
Jennifer Aniston can fuck right off. Apart from when she got naked on the front of GQ, with which I decorated every room (I only have one room) of my house with. EVERY film she has ever been in has been absolutely terrible and impossible to masturbate to, because they all feature Owen Wilson and his ‘aw shucks, I’m just a guy’ annoying bendy-nosed-can’t even kill-himself-properly face. Marley and Me is exactly like that, and it’s not even a sexy dog. And it dies. And you can’t wank while crying, unless you’re at a funeral, then people turn a blind eye.
Out of the whole top ten, this is probably the easiest movie to crack one out over, and it goes without saying which scene will let you empty your sack. It’s a famously romantic moment that we all know, it involves Kate Winslet, and Leonardo DiCaprio and not a whole lot of clothing, and a whole lot of sexual tension. I am of course referring to the bit where he needs help and she just sits on a floating door and lets him drown, the selfish posh cow. Also at some point she gets naked on a sofa and he draws her, but I’d already come by then.
. MUPPETS TAKE MANHATTAN
Completely misleading title. None of the Muppets ‘take’ anyone in this film, not roughly from behind, or any other way for that matter. Usually Miss Piggy can be relied upon to flash a bit of porky-thigh or get her boobs out a bit in a desperate attempt to get Kermit to fuck her, but even he can’t be bothered with it in this movie – hardly surprising really when you consider how many times she’s got him all fired up and then ignored him, the prick tease.