This really is a dilemma. If you’re like me, you’ll be bored shitless after watching just 10 minutes of this show. Yet you’ll want to appear all knowledgeable and on-the-all when it comes to the Monday morning office discussion on sequins, pasadobles and Brucie’s piss poor gags. Well fear not, learned Sabotage Times readers, for here is my bluffer’s guide to the Strictly 2011 contestants. Simply digest all the points contained forthwith and any office bore will believe you’ve taken in not just the main event but the God-awful Zoe Ball bollocks show during the week too.
The saucy Welsh strumpet from BBC’s ‘The One Show’. She of the lovely doe-eyes, winsome smile and norks you could use as pillows. Definitely my fave contestant this year - though the Beeb really do need to start stating, in advance, the exact times when certain celebs will be on. That way I can condense the 2-hour snooze-a-thon into a frothy little 15 minute ogle-fest. Prior to the show starting, Alex was the bookies favourite to emerge victorious, which means she hasn’t got a prayer. She is also allegedly having nightmares about her dress falling off during the live show. Gentlemen of the UK, a collective crossing of fingers is very necessary right now.
You may remember Anita from her critically acclaimed role as Angie Watts in Eastenders. Making her debut in 1947, she was a pivotal part of the glory years of the most miserable programme on the box prior to being unceremoniously dumped when the producers realised that she was getting old and crusty in addition to being a shit actress who seemed to screech a hell of a lot. Anita has since eked out a living as Mrs Brian May and was said to be the inspiration behind Queen’s 1991 mega-hit “I’m Going Slightly Mad”. She’ll provide a bit of chirpy cockerney banter before being booted out in week 4.
Ah – good old Fraudley. The lumbering great wassock who is about as natural a dancer as Johnny Vegas is a mankini model, Audley carries all the poise, grace and charm of a St Bernard taking a particularly violent shit and, as a result, will be the 2nd celeb to be voted off.
This year’s ‘whhhhhooooooooo???’ contestant, the Waterloo Road starlet is emerging as a real dark horse. She won’t win it but she will win the ‘contestant most likely to screw up her face in a Lesley Ash-esque manner’ award. Oh – and I won’t make an obvious and sexist reference to her fun cushions but if she falls forward at any point, she certainly won’t hurt her face.
Just writing about this guy makes me want to turn to violence so I’ll keep it brief. An ex tennis player (he reached the lofty heights of British number 18 in 1997, which puts him on an equal footing with Paul Shane from Hi-De-Hi and Minty from Eastenders), he now graces the Daybreak couch with a level of smarminess which is sickening to behold. If Dan Lobb were a chocolate bar, he’d fucking well eat himself.
Wrinkly old caresser of prime ministerial testicles who was the first celeb booted off the show so I won’t waste any more words on her.
AKA ‘the one to keep the cougars watching’. The McFly drummer is as dull as shit but will probably go some distance in the competition thanks to horny 40-somethings voting for him whilst they ebb away their Saturday evenings eating chocolates and caressing their nipples with ice cubes every time he appears on screen (or so I’ve been told).
Audley carries all the poise, grace and charm of a St Bernard taking a particularly violent shit and, as a result, will be the 2nd celeb to be voted off.
The Aussie strumpet thrown in there to keep the red-blooded males tuned in. I prefer the lovely Ms Jones myself and whilst Ms Vallance is still an Antipodean minx, it’s plainly obvious that she’s developed a love of McDonalds breakfasts over recent years. Will probably reach the latter stages but the chances of her dusting down the old flesh coloured body suit from the ‘Kiss Kiss’ video are slimmer than Kate Middleton’s hips.
Talenless, feckless Aussie chancer who should have stuck to donning the stockings for the Iceland ads. Rather alarmingly, he is doing very well up-to-press and appears to be in this competition for the long haul. To counteract that pain, I’ll count the hours until Bruno Tonioli cracks his first prawn ring gag of the series.
To be fair to her, one of the best adverts for plastic surgery I’ve seen in a long while. The 62 year old looks at least 10 years younger and isn’t actually that bad on the floor, though she won’t be good enough to see the latter stages. Plus, she’s partnered by the monumental cock juggler that is Brendan Cole so here’s hoping she gets voted off rather quickly.
You have to laugh. Professional strumpet Nancy has been marketed as the feisty firebrand of the show. Yes, she’ll do almost anything to get herself in the public eye so expect to see her presenting Brucie with a wig constructed entirely from her own lady thatch any time now. She does look quite foxy with all her slap on but everybody knows she’ll wake up every morning looking like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle. And that isn’t good. Plus she dances like Dudley Moore’s one-legged Tarzan auditionee.
Noooooooooo. Damn you BBC. You partner the 2nd biggest gobshite of the show with by far and away the foxiest dancer. Do I want this arrogant, egotistical, gobby Welsh shithouse to be voted off immediately or do I tolerate the shiny perma-tanned tosser just to get a glimpse of the delightful Ola Jordan every week. I really can’t make my mind up. Though, given his early form, it looks as though I’ll be enjoying ogling Ola for a few more weeks yet.
Is he still considered a celebrity? Jesus. When he appears on screen I keep thinking I’ve been transported back in time 20 years. They might as well chuck Betty Boo and Zig & Zag into the mix. Won’t last long as he’ll end up being about as popular as a fart in a lift.
Camp, annoying, feckless wassock. Have the Beeb purposely tried to shoehorn as many annoying blokes as possible into this series? It’s blatantly obvious that they want the inane telescope stroker to be this year’s John Sergeant, so he’ll probably last out until week 7 or 8. What a treat…
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