The Bum Diary: A Week Of Celebrity Big Brother

One week in and we've learnt that Amy Childs is an empty shell only fit for vajazzling and Jedward are just as weird as everyone imagined. Oh, and Kerry Katona might win it, which shows you that the country is beyond help...
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As Celebrity Big Brothers go, this one is neither the best, nor the worst. That’s pretty much all that Channel Five could have hoped for. It’s not completely shit. There’s your review Desmond! Anyway, now over a week in, here’s what we know…

Amy Childs isn’t much fun

Famous for Pritt sticking old bits of jewellery to Essex women’s furry pubic mountains to make them look like a cross between Chewbacca and BA Baracus, Amy Childs promised so much. The star of The Only Way Is Essex, Jordan’s heir apparent, she’d be a laugh. Sadly, not so – this TV outing has been so lacking in joy that we can only assume that the TOWIE cutting room floor is literally brimming with footage of Childs sitting next to Joey Essex in a nose job waiting room, brainlessly studying her own hand whilst he tries to figure out what makes windows see-through.

Somewhere, a honeymoon suite is being smashed up

For most happy couples, the honeymoon period is a dizzying rush of over-the-top compliments, hysterical laughter and rampant sexual journeys. Unless you’re Mr Tara Reid – now two weeks into his marriage, and presumably throwing empty bottles of Jack Daniels out of a window from a vibrating bed as his wife slowly smears an invisible figurative hand around Lucien’s underpants.

Jedward are hilarious aren’t they? No, not really

There was a boy at school who was funny and weird, and everyone liked him… until he stuck his finger up his cat’s arse for a joke. Jedward forever seem just a surprise sneeze away from doing something equally revolting. It’s only a matter of time.

Kerry Katona could actually win this thing

No matter that whenever she speaks she sounds like a tramp telling a pigeon her life story, the demanding CBB voters seem to like Kerry Katona. Probably because she represents the old classic of “girl gets born, joins shit band, leaves band, marries some guy, replaces Princess Di, does a load of drugs, slurs on This Morning, loses Iceland contract, fucks a binman… wins Celebrity Big Brother?”

Celebrities understand indecipherable Irish accents

Weirdly, if you’re drunk, Paddy Doherty is a doddle to understand – he actually sounds like an English prince. But in sobriety, it’s just fucking nonsense. And yet, somehow, not one person in the Celebrity Big Brother house has misunderstood a single word that’s tumbled out of his mouth. They’re either not as stupid as they look, or so stupid that he’s become the in-house Jeremy Paxman.

Darryn Lyons is the planet’s worst ever person

If you’re going to paint yourself as a “no nonsense, say what you see” kind of guy, it would be handy if you didn’t have a pink Mohican and pretend muscles which would have been more realistic if you’d spray-painted them on with your left hand. In this case, most people see a total cunt.

Bobby’s grave is already dug

Unfortunately for Bobby, Celebrity Big Brother voters are like elephants. Fat. Plus they never forget. So no matter how hard he tries to reinvent himself as the nice guy in the house, the memory of him oozing a handful of sweat from his balls and feeding it directly into Darryn’s mouth will be forever tattooed on their minds. Not cool.

That Pamela’s a bit shit

Was married to The Hoff. He felt an urge to drink himself stupid night after night. The two things may or may not be related.

Fantasy Celebrity Big Brother

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