Planning on watching Eurovision this Saturday? If you’re hosting a house full of mates or having a quiet night in for two, you’ll be ravenous before the contest has even reached the halfway point. The Euro-warble marathon needs some serious calorie intake if you’re going to power through until the voting’s over.
Make like Lord Sugar on The Apprentice and lay on this lavish spread to make your guests feel like you’re really spoiling them. Ferrero Rocher optional.
Australia – Iceland’s Kezie Kangaroo Burgers.
Incredulity aside that the Australians have invaded Europe’s piss poor excuse for a pop pageant, there’s no better way to find out just why mums go to Iceland than by sampling these ‘roo burgers. Wheel the barbecue in from outside and throw these marsupial based snacks on the grill. Tip: For god’s sake don’t spoil the party mood by whacking on a Rolf Harris vintage vinyl and leaping around your living room with a wobble board. It will be frowned upon.
Austria – Mr Kipling’s Viennese Whirls
A buttery biscuit base that Greg Wallace can only dream of, smooth buttercream and some fruity raspberry jam – all knocked together by old Mr Kipling himself, no doubt. To pay homage to Austria’s capital in style, why not trot out a Viennetta fresh from the freezer? Pure frostbitten class in a cardboard box.
France – Walker’s French Fries
No doubt Walkers were inspired by France’s rich history of gastronomy and decadent cuisine when they created these crispy sticks of fried joy. Flavour-wise, you’re spoilt for choice and in the spirit of vive la difference there’s the option to go crazy with a triple flavoured multipack. Alternatively, opt for just the cheese and onion fries for the full French vibe - ooh la la! Wear a beret, perhaps a stripy jumper? Accessorise with a push bike. Go grand or go home, as the French might say if they had a fairly basic GCSE level grasp of their own language.
Germany – Conchita Currywurst
Bring the spirit of a flamboyant Christmas market (with amazing eye makeup) to your buffet with a Conchita currywurst. Conchita might be Austrian, but I'm willing to bet this isn't the first time her wurst has strayed into German territory. Now, this dish may seem tricky, but here’s a foolproof recipe – bung some of Conchita’s wurst* in a curry flavour pot noodle, whack that in a hot dog bun. Job done. Jamie Oliver couldn’t beat that if he tried. If you’re feeling a bit flash why not treat your guests to a bit of Battenberg while you’re at it. Bosh.
Italy – Dolmio Ragu Sauces
When’sa your Dolmio day? Saturday, obvs. If we’ve learnt anything from the bug-eyed muppets that try and peddle us blended tomatoes and herbs, it’s that Dolmio is almost definitely authentic Italian fayre - just like our very own polyester (and slightly sinister) puppet mums used to pour out of a jar when we were kids. Crack open a couple of spag bol sauces and let the faint waft of a ragu factory, probably based somewhere in the midlands, fill the living room.
Spain - Chorizo
Instantly wow guests at your Eurovision soiree by whipping out an impressively large chorizo. Hola señoritas! Infinitely safer than trying to knock up a paella in one of those massive frying pans, plus there’s no fear of a rogue mussel putting an unfortunate end to the party by leaving your sphincter at a record breaking speed. No one needs that.
Russia – Vodka Jello Shots
There’s an old saying in Russia, ‘there are no ugly Russian women, it just depends on how much vodka you drink’. Just like there are no bad songs in Eurovision, it just depends on how tone deaf you are. Get on the jello shots to improve the aural merits of Eurovision, your probability of shagging one of your guests, or both. Douze points.
Greece – Greek Yoghurt
Bland? Yes. Weird for a buffet? Maybe. But all these sugary, fatty foods will play havoc with your bifidus digestivum. Think of it as an alternative to sorbet. Not so much a palate cleanser, but more of a way to avoid a mildly embarrassing trip to the pharmacy for some Canesten Combi.
UK – Chicken Tikka Massala
There’s no need to forgo your Saturday night curry just because you’re hosting a buffet. Fly the flag for UK cuisine with our national dish! Or, if you’re a real foodie with a penchant for fusion cooking then don’t hide your forward thinking light under a bushel. Nip down to Iceland and pick up one of their family sized Chicken Tikka Lasagnes. £3, serves 4 and as one reviewer on the Iceland website points out, it’s “VILE … I REPEAT VILE”. Philistine.