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Hasbro, you’ve put a lot of money into making this whole “board games adapted into films” thing happen. I get it. I understand why you developed all of those projects. Transformers 1-3 are all huge hits, turning more of your old toys into movies seemed like a sure bet.
Sure, Battleship was a flop, but with all of that sweet Transformers money, you can afford to lose every now and then. I mean, the films starred Rihanna, it’s not like you had to pay- Holy shit, that trainwreck cost $210m?!
Well, you’ve already got at least five more board game movies in developement. If you don’t convince people that the whole concept isn’t completely inane soon, then you are going to lose a shit-ton of money, and that would be a tragedy. But audiences aren’t going to hang around for a Ridley Scott-directed Monopoly film.
What you need is need a sure bet, and you need it now. Well it’s your lucky day, Hasbro, because some asshole on the internet is about to save your shit.
Hungry Hungry Hippos: The Movie
Hungry Hungry Hippos is the story of Dick, a down-on-his-luck zookeeper. He lives with a terrible roommate, hasn’t got laid in months, and is completely friendless. Dick’s life is turned upside down when kooky young hippo-biologist Macy, shows up at the zoo protesting the fact that the hippos are being fed the wrong kind of grass. Dick falls for the passionate young idealist, and they decide to break the hippos out of the zoo, and bring them on a cross-country odyssey to the only place in America where the right kind of grass grows, San Fransisco. They discover the meanings of life, love and friendship, in a journey that will change both of their lives forever.
Comedy-superstar Jason Segel plays Dick, and Hollywood’s hottest young ingenue Dakota Fanning portrays the totally memorable Macy. The film also features Bryan Cranston, as the crotchety head zookeeper, and Aziz Ansari as Dick’s sassy young zookeeper friend who has to “cover for [them] while they’re gone!”
Dick: ”What are you, crazy? We can’t bring three hippos all the way to San Fransisco! One of them’s only a baby!”
Macy: ”If we don’t get them the grass they need, then they’re going to die. And then you’ll have blood on your hands. Baby hippo blood.”
Dick: “Look, I know you think you’re right, but there isn’t even any proof that the grass we’re giving them isn’t the right kind! All the books say-”
A hippo grabs the book from Dick’s hand and begins to chew it
Macy: ”Trust me, those are some Hungry Hungry Hippos”
OK, I get it. You think that board game movies are a dead end. You even tried featuring box office axe-wound Taylor Kitch, and that didn’t work. Colour me shocked.
So you’re saying you need another run at the pop-culture mashup movie. I mean, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter didn’t make any money, but people loved the title. I know, because I saw it on at least four blogs.
All right, I can work with that. Try this one on for size:
Amelia Earhardt and the Mystery of Zombie Island
When Amelia Earhardt vanished over the Atlantic Ocean in 1937, most assumed that her plane was lost at sea. Little did they know that she and her navigator, Fred Noonan, actually crashed on the unmapped island of Boucherie Rock.
As Earhardt and Noonan explore the island in hopes of finding some way to survive, they discover that it is home to a powerful voodoo priestess, who has raised the dead to do her bidding. Earhardt and Noonan must fight to survive and escape the island before they too become one of the priestess’ shambling servants.
Jada Pinkett-Smith convincingly portrays the voodoo priestess. Because racism.
Donald Glover plays a zombie. Because also, racism.
Amelia: “You know, flying three thousand miles in a rickety old Electra barely gets my pulse goin’, but these dead fellas have got me jitterin’ like a whosit.”
Fred: “C’mon Am’ I told ya, just squeeze the trigger and point the barrel and those jokers won’t stand a chance.”
Amelia: “Well as long as we’re stuck in this dang cave all night, I can think of something else I’d like to squeeze.”
An awkward love scene ensues
What? Your focus group said that was racist and culturally insensitive? Isn’t that what you guys usually go for anyway? No wait, I’m sorry. I was just kidding around with that whole racism thing. I’m on your side, remember? I’m trying to help.
Ok, so that last idea might have been based off of a failed movie. You want more security than that. I get it. How about something based off an existing property, but updated to be a little more “real” a la The Dark Knight Rises?
How about we do that with a franchise you already own? Let’s see, you’ve already Given G.I Joe a go, and My Little Pony’s a tv success….. hmmm….. ah, perfect.
When Jerrica Benton inherits her father’s record company, she is initially reluctant to take over the CEO position. Little did she expect to find out that he had been keeping a dark secret from her for his whole life.
He had created Synergy, a supercomputer that utilises hologram technology to create solid-light illusions. Jerrica’s father had used the machine to gain dominance in the business world. Jerrica, being young and carefree, decides to use the computer to project a holographic persona on top of her current body, becoming Jem, the hottest new dubstep producer on the underground scene. Unfortunately, due to a glitch, Jem’s rivals, The Misfitzzz, discover Synergy’s existence, and seek to gain control of the computer to once again upset the socio-economic balance.
Chloe Mortez as Jerrica, Elizabeth Olsen plays the holographic Jem.
Synergy: “Don’t you understand, Jerrica? Jem is important.”
Jerrica: “Important? She’s not even real!”
Synergy: “She’s real to them. She’s more than real. More than a musician. She is a symbol. A symbol that no matter how sick you think that bass drop is, it can always be dirtier.”
You don’t like that either? Jeez, you’re mad fussy, you. Ok, I’m sorry. I get it. You don’t think Mortez and Olsen are bank-able stars yet. What you need is the safest film possible. A bankable star, on a hot streak, in a genre that has been making massive money.
Ok, ok. I’ve got this. I’ve got this. Ok, successful films…. Oh damn, Jack and Jill made an ass-load, and that was basically the worst film ever made. I have so got this.
Wanda had let a normal life. She had a nice job, a nice house, a nice family. Everything seemed to have fallen into place. That is, until one day her parents felt “It’s finally time” to tell her that she is actually their adoptive daughter. They tell Wanda that she has family living in a nearby town, and that if she wants, she should go and see them, and find out about her past. Wanda travels to the town, only to discover that her long-lost sister and brother are nothing like her. Hilarity ensues as she tries to get along with the family of slobs.
Charlize Theron plays every role Eddie Murphy style including: Wanda, her sister Wendy, her brother Willard, Wendy’s kids Joey and Katelyn, and of course, Willard’s girlfriend, who at the end discovers that she is the long-lost fourth sibling.
Wendy: “*burrrp* Hey, Wanda, you sure you don’t want any fried chicken?”
Wanda: “I’m sure Wendy, I’m actually a vegetarian.”
Willard: While messily eating a fried chicken leg “That’s why you ‘aint got the family resemblance. No meat on them bones.”
Willard farts loudly. The on-screen family laughs. The audience does not.
No, no, don’t kick me out please, I’ve got one more Idea, I swear, this one is a winner. You’re gonna love this.
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