The Young Apprentice, Episode 2: Class Warfare And Casual Racism

Not happy with the bizzare social phenomenon that is The Apprentice? Is it not quite weird enough for you? How about doing it with kids?
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Uncle Alan & The Contestants

Getting a kid to run a business is like giving a tiger a job as a market inspector – ridiculous and destined to end in tears. But that doesn’t matter to the BBC, who are flogging the Apprentice format by rounding up a gang of teenage capitalist proto-twats to show off their entrepreneur skills as part Lord Sir Alan Sugar’s recruitment ‘process’ (‘gameshow’).

Week two saw the recent-babies presented with the task of coming up with a new, top-selling product for the already-saturated baby market. Having said that, there’s always room for something new. A drinking bottle with a potty on it? A kitten puppet that soaks up piss? See, the possibilities are literally endless.

The girls’ team, ‘Bieber’, did some brainstorming and came up with a kind of arm sling thing with a built-in cushion for cradling a baby in while feeding it. Put the baby in upside down and it’s suffocation city, but hey, never mind, it’ll be fine. Part of their research included asking the mother of an 11-week old child what its interests were. Er, crying and shitting mostly.

For the boys, (‘Sports Sock’), they conjured up a plastic hippo that would house a drink bottle, keeping it warm, cold or whatever. It looked just like the sort of thing that a toddler would gladly hurl through the screen of a 46” plasma telly. Nice one lads. They should have designed a sling with a headset built in - so dads can ring up Babestation while they're doing the 4am feeds in the living room.

As in week one, the stand-out character in Sports Sock was vile, detestable Harry M, almost certainly the next Tory Prime Minister but two, after Boris Johnson and Reggie Yates. Harry came up with the hippo idea but spent the rest of the task bleating on about what he believed its USP should be. Unbelievably Smug Prick.

Getting a kid to run a business is like giving a tiger a job as a market inspector – ridiculous and destined to end in tears. But that doesn’t matter to the BBC...

This led to a series of skirmishes with son-of-John-Power-out-of-Cast, Scouse Lewis, the project manager for this task. At times it was almost full-on class warfare, with Harry M itching to order Lewis to get on the floor and lick his shoes clean like the contemptible little northern pleb that he most surely is.

Over in Bieber, it was race rather than class that was causing all the friction, as the girls wrestled with the thorny problem of having a black mother cradling a white child on the packaging for their baby death sling. What was worse was the subsequent revelation that this kind of thing actually still matters. Yes, in 2011. Head-spinning.

With the products developed and prototypes made, it was pitch time, and they were disastrous. What's wrong with today's teens? Why can't they pitch new ideas to massive, established businesses? Idiots. Their sales spiel was littered with talk of ‘ominous feeds’ and cack-minded observations about ‘slippy’ drink bottles. Yeah, totally – it’s a wonder all babies don’t starve to death, what with the dropping of all the slippy bottles all the time.

Team Sports Sock lost out once the imaginary orders had been read out and the delighted members of Bieber got to learn street dancing with Diversity as their ‘treat’ (how is physical activity a 'treat' please?). For the losers, it was round two of the class warfare showdown between Lewis and Harry M in the boardroom, joined by fresh-faced 42-year-old wheeler-dealer Ben.

There’s lots of potential entertainment in the upstairs downstairs battle royale between Harry M and Lewis and so it was straight-talking Ben who got the boot. He was last seen roaring off in his Jag in the direction of a strip pub, doing the internationally-recognised wanker hand gesture out his window.

The search goes on then, although I’m not sure what the prize is. Probably developing and marketing an Amstrad E-mailer version of Snakes…

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