It’s great, The Apprentice. There’s Lord Alan Sugar with his bulldog face, the two henchmen and women at his side – one who looks absolutely appalled, the other wearing lipstick. Then, there are the real stars of the show – the job hunters. Last time around they had a pretty blonde who spoke from the side of her mouth like the old lady in those hilarious having a stroke adverts. She’s now seriously career peaking on Channel Five. Another star was the horrible brunette who looked a bit like the tennis player Jelena Jankovic. And yet neither of them made this list. It was hard restricting it to just five, but, screw you, those are the rules. Big names like Katie Hopkins, Ruth Badger, and the weird little rose pettle scuttling around in a stupid beret all just fell at the last hurdle…
1. Raef Bjayou
Proudly boasted the ability to charm both “prince and pauper”, and we certainly believed the first bit. Faced with a tooled-up street urchin looking to shiv you in the neck for change, and our money’s on the knife, unfortunately Raef. Either way, despite having all the ingredients to make us want to brick up the lounge, Raef proved to be a likable chap with tremendous hair, and the most intense, moving screen laugh we have ever seen.
2. Michael Sophocles
As boasts go, reminding Alan Sugar of a young version of himself is probably up there with working as a prostitute to clear your gambling debts. Which leads completely seamlessly to the revelation that young Michael once had to go on the game to keep the leg breakers from the door. During his time on the show, he proved to be the most astonishing boardroom turncoat, the only Jewish boy alive without a full comprehension of what kosher means. But we’ll forever hold him dear for dancing like a dick…
3. Saira Khan
The show has enjoyed a slew of ball busters, but none quite so lethal as Saira. Her ability to locate the most sensitive point of irritability in every single human being on the show was absolutely brilliant to behold. And yet, she continues to work. For actual money.
4. Syed Ahmed
Syed was the prototype for a new breed of Apprentice star – good looking, super-confident, totally thick, appalling at business. Others to appear from this particularly weird conveyor belt include Tre Azam and the aforementioned Michael Sophocles. The show works best when these characters are systematically destroyed by Sir Alan’s business friends during the terrifying job interview bit - particularly the one who looks like a furious shaved testicle in a suit. Below is Syed’s most magnificent moment.
5. Kevin Shaw
Kevin was simply amazing. Constantly defensive, he managed to make a simple pitch about greeting cards sound like an incomprehensible argument between two brain damaged drug addicts on Jeremy Kyle, but nothing comes close to the time he decided that a total inability to cook shouldn’t stop him explaining to a trained chef how to correctly assemble a delicious spaghetti carbonara. So that’s bacon, ham, chicken, creme fraiche…
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