Remember when your mum used to go ‘a bit quiet’ when John Nettles was on the telly? Well, if you’re a middle aged woman, chances are you’ve burned the ironing several times while watching a particularly fine piece of TV ass. Well, why not? You’re treated like a pack horse most days by an unforgiving society which prizes youthful narcissism over intelligence and experience. So go ahead, hump the telly. Here’s a selection of favourites to mull over…
Unlike actual ham, everyone agrees on Hamm. He’s a stone cold, old school fox with a dirty twinkle. And I’m sure he’s never heard that hilarious joke about having a ‘hamm sandwich’ which you would tell if you ever happened to meet him on an escalator in Debenhams. Never mind that if you actually met Jon Hamm, you would simultaneously vomit and crap yourself, then you’d have to press the emergency stop button and end up weeping in the soft furnishings department, crying tears of impotent self-loathing into a beige Jasper Conran throw.
Poldark has basically been created by a focus group made up of frisky Loose Women who are opening their first bottle of Prosecco on the 10.30am Virgin train to London Euston. He rides a horse, FFS. He appears shirtless, with a scythe. He has tumbling dark curls straight from the cover of a Large Print copy of a Mills and Boon book called ‘Her Forbidden Desert Temptation.’ Despite the cliches, however, he looks like he wouldn’t mind taking out the bins in the rain, even if it wasn’t bin day *rubs thighs*.
David and his sex addiction have always been head turning, and like an particularly fine Man Camembert, he’s once again stinking up the place with his low-key charm. Duchovny has all the hallmarks of a man who could put up a shelf and not go ON AND ON about how hard it is and how Ikea didn’t give him the right bits. And as we’re all adults here, let’s not discount Gillian Anderson, who is a smokin’ hot babe. So yeah, happy to have the pair of them probe me on Mars (am I going off piste here?)
TE AMO TESORO MIO. The main appeal of Inspector Montalbano is that he lives in a really nice place by the sea and often eats his dinner on his balcony, while being a bit grumpy about whatever vague fishing/pasta related case he’s got on the go. Personally, I like a man with a balcony and a good view, and I also like a man who leans back on his chair and looks skeptical while speaking in fluent Italian. The beard would go if I was Mrs Montalbano, but it’s not a dealbreaker. Plus, you could also make a mint out of his gaff on Airbnb.
Talking of foreign trouser, there’s nothing more bracing than a hot young spy in an 80s t-shirt collecting nuclear secrets for East Germany. Moritz Stamm, the protagonist of Deutschland ’83, looks beautiful, worried and lost, just the way older women like ‘em. Also, it’s amazing how interested you can get in German history while you’re stashing loads of verboten material for the wank bank. Hmm, yeah, I’m fascinated by the GDR. Tell me about the Stasi. How big is the gear stick in your Trabant? Ngggh. ’Schlug mich auf der Unterseite mit einer Wöchentlichen Frauen’*, as they say in Deutschland.
*Beat me on the bottom with a Woman’s Weekly
Lovely Rob. Lovely, lovely Rob. He’s like the dad friend you can’t hump because then you would go off him because you only fancy him because he’s lovely. But you still want to hump him, mostly in offbeat, risky places, like the back of a Ford Fiesta parked 2 metres away from the school gates at 2.58pm. You know he’d be good for it, but simultaneously, he would never do it. He’s like Schrodinger’s Shag. All of which leads to sexual confusion, frustration and shouting at your kids for no reason in Sainsbury’s. Damn you, Lovely Rob.
Despite having a name reminiscent of off-brand bleach you can get in Wilkos (PAUL DANO cleans your oven FAST!), and a face like a funny little balloon, Paul has a weird, frightened geeky-indie boy-in-a-duffle-coat thing going on that makes you want to clutch him to your heaving boosooms. Of course, you tell your friends that you just like him because he’s a REALLY GOOD ACTOR. Only you know you’re a lying shite who sits up all night googling him and fantasising about being 30 again.
The entire cast of Horrible Histories
You’ve been around the block a few times, but you’ve yet to get busy with a guy dressed like the Grim Reaper while some hot Roman gladiators look on. Well ladies, now’s your chance.