X Factor 2011, Week 13: Kitty Goes Gaga

Kitty got booted off, One Direction showed us their new hair dos, Lady Gaga wore a headless mannequin and the stench of desperation filled the studio.
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Controversy, high drama and a bit of singing. X Factor, and coincidentally, Lady Gaga summed up in one succinct sentence. This week was Gaga week, they threw in a bit of Queen for balance on Saturday, but make no mistake, despite all the manufactured rule breaking nonsense, this weekend’s shows were all about the high priestess of manufactured pop turning up to show everyone, especially Kitty, what a performance really looks like.

The spectacular coincidence of a contestant being kicked out mid-week, an old act returning and the biggest guest star booking of the 2011 series meant that if viewing figures aren’t up this weekend, Cowell’s going to be fuming.

After Saturday’s ‘technical difficulties’ ITV were undoubtedly relieved the BT Tower had managed to plug in all the right leads last night. Out came the judges and thankfully Tulisa was wearing a dress with sleeves, which meant we were spared her incessant need to show off her ink until at least next week.

Once we’d got past the usual voting and recap shenanigans we got straight into the group song! The final seven mimed their way out of synch to ‘Walking On Sunshine’. Somewhere Gamu was shaking an angry fist at her TV thinking about what could’ve been. One thing the miming debacles do show us is what the artists would sound like on their records. It’s amazing what a bit of autotune can do.

If anyone needed a bit of autotune last night it was One Direction. Booked as the only group mad enough to share a stage with Gaga, the five lads from last year (who didn’t win) turned up to fill some time with their single, ‘It’s Gotta Be You’.

Bless them, their intro montage was a little lacking and so were their voices. It’s a shame their mums seem to have forgotten to take them to singing lessons or a decent hairdressers. The ghost of Frankie’s nit nest lives on with One Direction.

Dermot asked the boys who they liked in the competition. Unsure at first they finally remembered an acts name - Little Mix! In 9 months time we could hear the pitter patter of more directionless Little Mix feet in the world, unless the boys managed to keep it in their pants.

In 9 months time we could hear the pitter patter of more directionless Little Mix feet in the world.

Time for Dermot to check the acts backstage aren’t running with scissors or putting clingfilm on Gaga’s loo seat. Someone wedged them all into a dimly lit corridor so Dermot could speak to them - LIVE! Everyone was all smiles apart from Janet Devlin who, every time she appeared in shot, looked like a clinically depressed King Charles Spaniel.

Gossip Klaxon: The judges aren’t talking to each other. And GASP! Kelly’s gone as far as to turn her chair slightly away from Gary. Oh the anger. Is anyone else longing for the days when Sharon Osbourne used to chuck glasses of water at anyone who dared disagree with her (and presumably post them parcels of her own shit)?

Bringing the X Factor respectability rating up several notches it was finally time for Lady Gaga. My love for Gaga knows no bounds and she didn’t disappoint. True to form she ticked all the Gaga boxes. Mental outfit, incredibly catchy song, polished musical performance and slightly awkward post song interview. Performing from inside a confessional box she emerged with a beheaded mannequin strapped to her back. It made Kitty’s attempts at putting on a show look piss poor.

The votes were finally in, and it was time for the results. Dermot assumed the position and rattled off the five acts through to next week. Craig, Janet, Marcus, Amelia and Little Mix all scurried off to get Gaga to sign something they could flog on eBay. That just left Kitty and Misha B to fight it out for their place in next weeks show. Though lets be fair, it was never going to be a fair fight. Misha is clearly the best vocal talent on the show and looked destined to be the clear winner until the bullying allegations.

Still, rules are rules and sing off they must. Kitty went first with ‘Over The Rainbow’. Her performance was one of her best and she showed again that she can actually sing. Louis welled up a little (when does he not?) and the other judges desperately tried to look racked with guilt over their imminent decision. Misha sang ‘Who You Are’ by Jessie J and before the judges voted you knew she’d be back next week.

Louis and Kelly saved their own acts, Tulisa sent Kitty home, as did Gary. In his lengthy summary of events Gary told us these were the two girls that wanted it the most.

That’s the problem, we can smell the desperation ladies. If there’s one thing the British voting public don’t seem to like in a reality show contestant it’s ambition.

The last word was left to Kitty. Taking the microphone from Dermot, she announced she had something to share with the audience. Minds across the country raced, what could it be? She’s really a man? She’s slept with everyone in The Risk? What COULD it be? And then she started to sing 'Born This Way'. I can’t comment on what happened next as I was chewing off my own fist, hiding my eyes from the tsunami of embarrassment and wishing my sofa would swallow me whole. All I know is Kitty ramped the cringeometer up to eleven, reminded the nation why we took an instant dislike to her and left me wishing the BT Tower had never resolved its technical difficulties.

X Factor 2011, Week 13: Bondage Horses And One-Trick Ponies

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