Well, that’ll learn that little Cher character to sit on some steps and sing a song without grabbing her crotch, pulling a kitchen knife from her hoodie, and reciting terrifying Biggie Smalls lyrics midway through. She still survived the sing off, of course, because a teenager half weeping Stay will forever trump an earnest soul singer putting in a decent shift.
Bad news for Paige, good news for Louis X who was running out of names of black people to compare him to scrawled on the back of his hand. He’d already done Lenny Henry (twice!) and Luther Vandross, this weekend he went for Marvin Gaye. Next week, he was presumably going to attempt to draw a clumsy comparison with the popular West Indian cricketer, Viv Richards – “because you always hit them for six”.
Other highlights from the weekend’s X Factor marathon include:
Popular favourite Matt Cardle doing an X Factor recreation of those dreams where you go to work then realise that you totally forgot to get dressed – cringe! - and now everyone is laughing at your penis which is actually an eye! Triple cringe!... basically, he did a Bono impression whilst wearing a vest.
If anyone is going to tell anyone that Cheryl Cole grew up on a council estate, it will be Cheryl Cole. Just thank Christ that Wagner didn’t mention that she used to ride a bike to school. She’d literally have him killed.
It was a dramatic weekend for Wagner – who sings exactly like a man on a treadmill reciting an autocue – as he put a chilling new slant on “Hey Jude” by singing “Hey Jew” instead. Afterwards the soft veneer of Cheryl Cole’s face was replaced with the sneering “you don’t own me” scowl as she berated him for telling someone that she grew up on a council estate. If anyone is going to tell anyone that Cheryl Cole grew up on a council estate, it will be Cheryl Cole. Just thank Christ that Wagner didn’t mention that she used to ride a bike to school. She’d literally have him killed.
Of the rest of them: Mary rediscovered her mojo by yelling every syllable of her song at the top of her voice. She would do well to hang in there until “dance week” when she can blow minds with a great rendition of Ride on Time by Black Box. Her attempts at miming during the Sunday group sing-song took on over-dubbed Kung Fu film proportions.
One Direction continued their haunting homage to the movie Mannequin by looking exactly like Top Man dummies come to life, which was taken a step further when Dermot O’Really asked one of them a question, only to be silently stared at, and totally ignored. They’re the new Kraftwerk.
If anyone was in Liverpool on Saturday night, they might have been suddenly distracted by the cacophonous sound of hacking, throat clearing, snorting and cheering, as Rebecca - one of their local princesses, along with the Atomic Kittens and Steven Gerrard’s wife - sang a song by The Beatles!
Had she done this at Anfield in a curly wig and comedy ‘tache, Liverpudlians would have literally died from being too fucking delighted.
Katie looked like Frodo.
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