The X Factor is clearly the greatest show on earth (after Come Dine With Me and closely followed by The Only Way is Essex). And this year is clearly better than ever, why? Because they are obviously all mentalists. Wagner who once owned a lion, or something. Katie who can’t stop crying and Matt Cardie, the painter and decorator who you would actually have wanted to come round to fiddle with your skirting boards – that’s what they do right? Right. Now obviously the best thing about the X Factor is Simon Cowell but some of the other shit is pretty good too...
1. Cher Lloyd's face
Cher Lloyd's face – what’s up with that? She looks like this bloke Ollie we once made drive us home after a rave despite the fact that he’d taken 7 pills and kept having to pull over to be sick. Or when you go in a wind tunnel – as you do – and your face distorts. It’s not normal. You’d think they’d address it. You know, Oi Cher love, sort your face out. But no. Simon knows that weird little scowl is making him money (clever Simon, I love you).
Now, I know what you're thinking, that's not a word. Damn straight it's not a word. It's an mnemonic mother fuckers and do you know what it stands for? Teenagers I'd like to fuck. Moments silence for the inappropriateness of it all and move on. If One Direction have taught us anything it's that we are essentially a nation of perverts. Prefixing every sentence about their mammoth hotness with 'I know I shouldn't think it' doesn't make it any better. They're 16 for God's sake, it's basically 12. How the hell did they even get so fit? Now before you get so 'she's so Gary Glitter' up on my arse I would like to remind you that they are all legal (I think) and therefore it's entirely ok to perve on them (kind of).
Mates 21st? Sorry, got to watch the X Factor. Uni reunion? Sorry got to watch the X Factor. Family pilgrimage to Scotland to scatter your great aunt's ashes? Sorry got to watch the X Factor.
3. That bit when you sing afterwards
You know what I'm talking about. The shows over. You need to go back to your mundane life but instead you're walking around the house singing. It’s usually Mariah or Whitney, occasionally Leona. “I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding lovveeeeeeee”. In your head you’re actually considering applying for next year. You’re preparing your “Mother died when I was born (not really she’s in the kitchen)” sob story. You’re getting annoyed with your housemates because they, having also watched the show, are singing too. Why can’t they just fuck off you think, this is my moment to shine, (in the living room).
4. The voice-over man
RACHEL ADEDEJIIIIIIIIII, JOHN ADELEYEEEEEEEEEE, OLIVIA FOSTERRRRRRRRRRR Yeah. Not as good.
5. The excuse not to go out
Mates 21st? Sorry, got to watch the X Factor. Uni reunion? Sorry got to watch the X Factor. Family pilgrimage to Scotland to scatter your great aunt's ashes? Sorry got to watch the X Factor. The worst (best) thing about all this, you don’t feel even slightly guilty.
6, Cheryl Cole’s hair
Look I’m a girl and I’ll be honest, a usually pretty bitchy one at that, but I do quite like Cheryl Cole's or Tweedy's- or whatever it is she's calling herself now - hair. It’s always quite shiny and they style it really nicely. That’s all I have to say on it really but I thought it deserved a mention. Yeah. Hair.