10 Achingly Hip Celebrities

Don't put us in a room with any of these hipsters, it's just asking for an awkward silence and lots of tears because we're not worthy.
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Don't put us in a room with any of these hipsters, it's just asking for an awkward silence and lots of tears because we're not worthy.

We’re not going to lie, we’re terrified of cool people. We try not to be. But we are. We haven’t got a clue what to say to them – what do these people talk about? Drugs? German cinema? Grunge music? We just don’t know. We’ve tried to find out, and years – not months, years – have been wasted dragging our way around the hippest areas of East London attempting to decipher exactly which gene we were cruelly shorn of during the most formative period of our lives. Hence, we have long since been resigned to the fact that we shall never climb to those dizzying heights of coolness, partly because our bodies weren’t invented for skinny jeans, but also because – honestly – we actually feel quite at home shopping in H&M. Those are the facts. The painful, bitter-pill-to-swallow facts. So with that in mind, here are ten celebrities who we would be terrified to bump into at a party…

1. Alexa Chung and Alex Turner

If being hip was measured in the same way as actual temperature, then these two would be sizzling hot. Definitely over 100 degrees centigrade. Or, if we’re using a “coolness” scale, they’d be icy cold, like snow, or a Mister Freeze that’s been sitting at the bottom of a newsagents’ cool box since around 1997. She’s a bit posh and sparrow-like, he is a gentleman unafraid to wear a fringe, known for his biting observations about society. Put us on their table at a wedding, and we promise you a totally self-conscious silence. And probably some fidgeting.

2. Mark Ronson

With his mid-Atlantic style of speaking, and those suits designed for guys who have yet to develop a bulbous protrusion about their midriff, Mark Ronson cuts quite a stark, terrifying figure. Were you stranded in a corner with him at a cocktail party, you’d have to get used to his first-name-only references to famous people very quickly indeed. Again, total silence would be the best option, unless you’ve had a few, in which case, feel free to regale him about the time you saw “Harry” at an airport. As in Harry Enfield.

3. Noel Fielding

Comedy fans will already be well aware of Noel Fielding – he’s one half of the once-mighty-ish Mighty Boosh. He likes to skip normal conversation altogether, much preferring to talk in absurdities, whilst simultaneously baffling you with his other-worldly sense of fashion. Try and keep up if you can, but if you find yourself tremoring beneath your winter jumper from The Gap, clumsily attempting to make a surreal quip about a pipe-smoking frog on a motorbike, it might be time to leave the party. You’ve been overawed by Fielding.

4. Sadie Frost

Sadie Frost is the scary lady on the right in the above picture. The one who appears non-plussed that everyone can see exactly how she chooses to decorate her undercarriage. It’s exactly that sense of daring that makes her such a worrying prospect in a dinner party scenario. Her reaction to you will probably fall into three different possibilities. 1. She’ll blank you, because you’re not very cool looking. 2. She’ll humiliate you, because you’re not very cool looking. Or 3. She’ll fancy you because she thinks that you’re being ironic. We’ll be honest with you, 3 is not a likely option. In fact, it’s not even the third most likely option. The third one is that she wouldn’t even see you.

5. Scarlett Johansson

Something about her husky American drawl suggests that Scarlett Johansson enjoys talking about niche subjects, like art galleries, or some intimate acoustic gig that she recently went to in a really grotty, not-known-to-the-likes-of-you bar/bistro in “the village” – by which she probably isn’t referring to a small town in Yorkshire. Realistically, were you to find yourself side-by-side with Johansson at a hot spicy wine party during the run up to Christmas, you’d be better off immediately making your apologies, grabbing your coat, and hotfooting it the hell out of there. Everything you say will just bore her. Everything. No offence.

6. Nick Grimshaw

Now, we’re not entirely sure how we know who Nick Grimshaw is. We’re just aware of him, because we’ve heard his name a lot, and we once saw him on a television programme on BBC2, where he shouted cool slogans into a camera, then introduced a band. He seems like the kind of guy who could destroy you on the “party circuit” if you accidentally name-dropped the wrong singer/songwriter. Hence why, were we to come face-to-face with him at a fancy dress party on a boat, we’d be overboard within seconds. Possibly crying our eyes out.

7. Karen O

No, we’re not entirely sure who Karen O is either. That’s what makes her so completely terrifying. The word on the street is that she’s in a band called the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and if you haven’t heard of them, or can’t sing along to any of their records, then welcome – you’re about as completely out of touch with cool stuff as we are. All we know for sure is that if we were having a light evening get together, and Karen O decided to turn up, we’d be far too embarrassed to discuss what happened on the X Factor this week. For that reason alone, she makes the list.

8. Natasha Khan

Natasha is the lead singer in Bat for Lashes. Or she actually is Bat for Lashes. We don’t know. No one does. All we do know is that if we were enjoying an outdoor drink in a local pub, and Natasha appeared, we’d be completely stumped as what to say next. Should we regale her with an anti-climactic story about how we once considered having a tatt done? Should we explain world issues using animal metaphors? Or should we stare silently into our pints, enduring the inner turmoil of a horrendous panic attack because a celebrity just turned up looking really cool, and we have no idea what to say? We probably all know the answer to that one.

9. Pixie Geldof

With the courage of youth on her side, a hunch suggests that Pixie Geldof – sister to the professional magazine editor, Peaches – would have no trouble in openly mocking your curious decision to team up a pair of unskinny jeans with a plain polo shirt. What are you? Boring or something? You stupid square idiot! Plus, she’s possibly the kind of trouble maker who might bring a little bag of weed to a simple Sunday lunch, which would inevitably result in everyone having a puff so as to maintain face, before completely spinning out during pudding.

10. Carl Barat

He’s not the most cheerful looking character, that Carl Barat. This might be due to his on/off bromance with Pete Doherty really putting the kibosh on his career trajectory. Or it could be that he’s just cool like that, and doesn’t do smiling. We’re not sure. Even so, we’d be last in the queue for a meet-and-greet if he decided to do an impromptu appearance at a good friend’s fireworks party, because nothing punches a man harder in the groin than a friendly question met with a dour shrug, and a half-hearted answer. He looks like he wouldn’t care for you and your stupid enquiries. Plus, all the girls would probably think he’s really hot, and that just rubs salt and Haribo Tangfastics into the metaphorical weeping mouth ulcer caused by his alarming disinterest in everything about you. Thanks a lot, Carl.

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