Pissing: The Official Rulebook

Having encountered various pee-stained locations in my twenty years, I think there are rules that a lot of people need to know about. Therefore, I present the most comprehensive guide to pissing you will ever need.
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Having encountered various pee-stained locations in my twenty years, I think there are rules that a lot of people need to know about. Therefore, I present the most comprehensive guide to pissing you will ever need.
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IN YOUR OWN HOUSE

DIFFICULTY 0/5

If you’re paying the bills then fuck it, piss all over the walls, over the ceiling if you’ve got a shlong like some freakish mechanical arm (wear goggles in this scenario), ‘cus lets face it, those walls are going to turn yellow eventually from all the spliff smoke you’ve wasted staring into the i newspaper that you were forced to buy because you couldn’t justify facing the 50p card charge for buying some Rizla and a can of Lychee Rubicon on your debit. Hell knows you’re not going to be painting those little seashell tiles white any time soon and you aren’t getting your deposit back anyway because landlords are vicious money-sniffing arseholes.

You can go when you want, where you want, ‘cus YOU DA MAN, and ain’t no female gunna’ stop you expressing your manly manliness. If you want go in the sink, rinse it down, if you want to go out the window, make sure the neighbours aren’t watching.

Top Tip: Don’t shit up the walls when you leave a residence, the landlord will hunt you down like a rat and fine the absolute balls off you, though you will become university legend.

IN A CAR/ON A BUS

DIFFICULTY 3-4/5

On long car journeys, make sure you pack yourself an empty Lucozade bottle for when you find yourself fidgeting in the back of a yellow Megane with a burning sensation in your pants having spent eight hours in intense post-ApocOlympic traffic. I cannot stress more about the importance of the brand of bottle, anything smaller than a Lucozade makes this task way more difficult than a five, and don’t even think about trying to go in a Cherry Coke can unless you want to leave the car with several smaller and bloodier penises (not a reference to your mates). Make sure the car you are in is occupied by friends; it’s likely that they’ve already seen your tiny penis anyway since your housemate uploaded all your dirty webcam photos to your Facebook weeks ago, so it’s no biggie if you do end up pissing all over their new Air Max (just tell them it makes them look more “vintage”).

It’s a similar rule for buses; it either has to be totally empty, or full of other pissheads tanked up on Desperados on your mate’s stag do. If you’ve somehow managed to blag your test and find yourself driving either of these vehicles, it’s probably best not to even attempt any of the above. If you are in that much desperation and you really, REALLY have to go, at least pretend to be on your mobile to your counsellor to distract the police when they inevitably pull you over for driving like a recovering meth addict.

Top Tip: If the car is moving, manoeuvre yourself toward an open window and set the next car’s wipers off.

ON THE TRAIN

DIFFICULTY 4/5

Congratulations eco-warrior, having saved the planet by choosing not to get in one of those ozone-killing four-wheeled death-traps, it’s time you left a carbon footprint of your own. However, remember that trains are essentially just massive cars with fucking hundreds of wheels, engines the size of houses, sucking up just as much diesel as one of George Bush’s cigar lighters, but hey, well done you for doing your bit pal. To take on a train’s WC’s (Water Cupboard), you need to either have calves and forearms of steel and balancing skills like a world-class surfing pro, or be prepared to sit down with your head rattling between the taps like a squirrel caught in mud flaps. Train toilets are designed for children and contortionists. Stand with your legs are far out as humanly possible, and remember you’re trying to pee in an inconceivably massive pheasant-slaying machine hurtling and swerving down relatively thin metal tracks at ungodly speed. Focus and try not to think about the train derailing.

Top Tip: Flush whilst the train is stopped at your least favourite train station. No one in High Wycombe will notice the smell anyway.

AT YOUR PARENTS/GIRLFRIEND’S HOUSE

DIFFICULTY 2/5

Though on the surface this is a lot like the first point; you’re on your own and no one can hurt you. However, they will hurt you if they find even a trace of urine on their toilet bowl that even Silent Witness herself couldn’t detect. It’s courtesy to drop the toilet lid down when you’re done, but don’t make a sound and God help you if there’s a smell. Don’t even think about not washing your hands. They’re reluctant to let you harass their daughter with your filthy claws at the cleanest of times. The handwash by the sink is full because they knew you were coming, alright; and they don’t need to use it because parents are the cleanest of all.

Top Tip: Pee down the side of the bowl, not directly into the water; her parents will now think of you like a ninja-pee-assassin.

AT A PARTY

DIFFICULTY 3-4/5

The most difficult part of this mission is stepping over the bodies that will inhabit the floorspace in the hallway. Don’t step on them. Now, hug the wall and sidestep towards the bathroom door. It will most likely not have a lock, so swing if half open first, listening for talking/coughing/gurning/moaning/splashing. If the coast sounds clear, stick your head in and don’t you dare inhale. The toilet is about a metre and a half away from the entrance and, as anticipated, it doesn’t have a lock, so you’re going to have to keep one foot on the door if you don’t want intruders. Use the walls and shower curtain to your advantage to keep a steady stance as you balance. Do your thing and get out of there as fast as you can; Matt’s got a line waiting for you downstairs. It doesn’t matter how much mess there is, you’re just contributing to what will become a cesspit of stomach lining by early-morning anyway.

Top Tip: Bear in mind that potentially during the night, it could be you with your knees on the tiles, your head down the toilet gargling away the Subway you had for dinner.

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AT WORK

DIFFICULTY 2/5

A similar task to pissing at your parents/girlfriend’s parents, though there’s a strong chance you’re going to have to make some shitty small talk about Deborah leaving or how fit the new intern is. She’s not really your thing, but everyone else in the office is a pervert and you have to comply. You already hate everyone there, so it doesn’t matter. Stop staring into the mirror thinking about recreating that scene in Fight Club where Ed Norton fucks himself up in front of his boss, get your worthless head back down on your desk, whistle or hum some Slayer and wait for 5pm to come.

Top Tip: Pretend that the urinal drain is your boss’s face.

IN THE SHOWER

DIFFICULTY 0/5

As discussed in point one, if it’s your house then do what the fuck you want. Some people bathe in their bodily shampoos, cus apparently its good for you, so crack on. Just don’t pee in your hair or anything.

Top Tip: The water running off the end of your weenus looks like pee anyway, so who’d know?

SITTING DOWN

DIFFICULTY 1/5

In the words of The Inbetweener’s Neil, sometimes it’s okay to “treat yourself” once in a while. Though it looks an attractive prospect at first, if anyone sees you, the endless “Haha, he’s a Thai bitch ladyboy” insults thrown around by your mates for time to come doesn’t make life easier. The candid camera-photo from over the cubicle door that almost instantly surfaces on the internet will never become justified by a hundred retorts of “I wasn’t even shitting!”

Bare this in mind every time you yearn for that sweet porcelain to embrace your buttocks.

Top Tip: Sitting down is actually scientifically proven to be healthier for you pee tubes, good for you kid.

PUBLIC TOILETS/CLUBS/BARS

DIFFICULTY 3/5

The lowest of the low, you’d probably be at less risk of catching disease licking the floor at Yates’s. By breathing in short, shallow breaths, you’ll leave the toilet light-headed and a bit nauseous, but you’ll have lessened the risk of catching air-borne AIDS or one of the plagues from The Mummy. Watch your step, because New Balance aren’t designed for skating on piss. Walk flat like a penguin with your arms straight out, you might look like a cunt; but you’ll look like even more of a cunt if you end up face-planting in that filth, blubbering swears through a teethful of your comrades’ juice whilst the dubiously-legal “toilet attendant” trying to spray Lynx Click in your eyes is screaming “No Armani, no punani!”

In most low-level clubs or bars, the toilet area is a hunting ground for the stronger males. Looking these bigger, worse-tattooed males in the eye is a death wish; they’ve already spent most of the day getting hard on steroids and will probably gang-rape you, laugh about it over £1 Jagerbombs, before finally leaving having non-consentfully pulled a couple of underage girls in dip-dye New Look dresses.

Use a cubicle when you can, everyone else will think you’re a massive pussy but they can’t hurt you in your little safe haven. The locks will probably be broken too, so embrace the trick you learned at the Party.

Standing at a club/bar toilet is a great time to realise how drunk you are and how shit your hair is. Touch your hair a lot, sway and say ”ooft”.

Top Tip: Replace your mate’s Mum’s number in his phone with one you’ve found scrawled on the toilet door.

OUTSIDE

DIFFICULTY 3-4/5

The outside world is a dangerous and scary place, full of badgers, wolves, and grey areas, like where you can and can’t smoke in a shopping mall. It’s best to go where it already smells like piss (like most of London), just so you know that countless others before you squire have dubbed it safe. Don’t go where there are cameras, ants’ nests, or where there are likely to be muggers. Getting mugged while you are pissing is probably the closest you’ll ever get to being “kicked while you’re down”.

Top Tip: If the police see you, they will fine you £80, which essentially means you’re paying them to watch you pee.

PISSING YOURSELF

DIFFICULTY 0/5

The easiest of all, pissing yourself is rewarding, relaxing and guaranteed to make you more popular. Remember, no one can take the piss out of you, if you’ve already done it yourself, and they can’t make fun of you if they think its all part of the act. If you’re going to go for it, not that it’s usually planned, don’t do it in your fucking Topman chinos as these already come in most shades of piss, from anaemic to heavy drinker. Pissing yourself will only exaggerate how much of a prick you look already. Go for darker-coloured legwear, a nice heavy-weight black jean will do to soak up all that warm shame.

Top Tip: Just don’t. A girl pissed herself in my Year 8 Art class and I still as hell remember.

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SEX

DIFFICULTY 4/5

Another grey area, she might be into it, but more likely she isn’t. Sex at the best of times is already wet and sticky and gross so why make it any worse for you two. Just enjoy your time together covered in as little bodily fluid as possible. If you need to go; you probably will at some point or another, see below (and below that):

Top Tip: Pissing inside her will not make it seem like you’ve cum buckets. She will hate you and slap your face.

PISSING WITH A BONER

DIFFICULTY 5/5

Though its fun, this is probably going to hurt. Hunch your upper body over the toilet and use two hands to control the flow, with a grip like a needy weightlifter, else you’re going to be spraying that hose around like a fireman with Parkinson’s. It’ll be stop-start at first, then once you’ve established a reasonable flow that doesn’t make you grimace too much, crack on for the remainder of the session. Be sure that there is plenty of toilet roll and/or wet wipes or it’ll end looking like some kind of Saw water ride at Alton Towers.

Top Tip: Soften your wiener by distracting yourself; read the ingredients of whatever bottle you can find in the bathroom, maybe even take a little sip. Or imagine what it’s like to make a chair.

IN THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT

DIFFICULTY 5/5

You are never going to get to piss in the House of Parliament. If you do manage to scale the fence and fulfil your lifelong dream of having penis-banter with David Cameron, you’ll probably get a personal Lib Dem helper to help shake your Tory stick for you, as you heartily chuckle about school and hospital cuts, you sorry-arse conservative bastard.

Top Tip: Gain points by guffawing and commenting on how you banged a Romanian prostitute in the armoured Bentley that delivered you.

SWIMMING POOLS

DIFFICULTY 1/5

We’ve already established that you enjoy being surrounded by foul-smelling fluids, and what fouler than the swimming pool. The lung-chafing smell of chlorine slowly eroding your sinus as children shriek and squawk at fucking everything, whilst meanwhile at the other side of the pool, unfortunate people with only one and a half arms are trying to regain their confidence by splashing about wearing ridiculous inflatable aids. As tempting as it is, you shouldn’t piss in the pool. I heard a rumour that they put a chemical in it that turns your pee blue, and snaps your penis off like liquid nitrogen. Even if the latter part of that statement isn’t true, you’ll still be faced with the embarrassment of everyone vacating the pool as quickly as if Oprah had just cannon-balled into the deep end. The kids will be pointing and squawking and laughing at your sorry blue face, just like they did in school when you shit yourself in your little gay Speedos and through steamy goggles vowed never to swim again.

Top tip: The sea can be cold. There’s no evil chemical (specifically) that will turn your piss blue, so feel free to warm yourself up, and wait for the sharks to gather.

ADDITIONAL ADVICE: Drinking a pint of Red Bull every night will make your pee more radioactive than Chernobyl drinking water.

Happy pissing people.