With the Super Bowl on the way to mark the end of an exciting NFL season, British American Football Fans are wondering about the prospect of a British franchise (in English, franchise is the honest word for ‘club’).
George Osborne has said that the Government ‘will do anything’ to secure an American football team in London on a long-term basis, which presumable involves Jiffy Bags of used notes, fellatio and offering up huge swathes of London’s land for men with guns hidden in their Stetsons.
Of course, if you’re going to set up a new franchise in London, you’re going to have to give it a name. Way back when, we had the dismally named London Monarchs (with their puke-inducing golden outfit), but in 2015, we can do better than that.
So, here are some suggestions.
In the broadcast for the Cowboys/Jags game on Channel 4, Vernon Kaye threw his weight behind the name ‘The Warriors’. A tribute to Wigan Warriors? A nod to the excellent B-movie about New York gangs? The best thing with this name is that we could see a helmet with a nod to The Ultimate Warrior.
London Oligarchs/London Oilers
Now that the Houston Oilers are the Tennessee Titans, that frees up London to make a nod to the people who own most of the English capital – Russian oligarchs and oil tycoons. The cheerleaders could dress up like the Beverley Hillbillies or, better yet, puffins covered in thick, crude oil.
There’s going to be a lot of clamour for some nod to the stupid Royal Family. Previously, London had the Monarchs, with their awful outfits. However, a recent International Series t-shirt made by the NFL showcases EXACTLY what the helmet should look like. A big, hairy queen’s guard helmet, perfect for lancing into an opponent.
The Atlanta Falcons urge their fans to ‘rise up’ and American sports as a whole has a general fondness for using the imagery of Us versus Them – the clan, unifying to defeat those who oppose. Of course, London had a riot, which has yet to be rebranded and gentrified. With London gentrifying cereal, burgers and entire boroughs, the riots are surely the next thing? Cheerleaders could wear sexy riot cop outfits and the mascot could be someone in an Anonymous mask with #JeSuisRioter t-shirts on.
London Rent Prices
How about something that all Londoners really feel? How about something that the rest of the country mocks Londoners for? How about London Rent Prices. The franchise could wear Scrooge McDuck helmets and tattered hipster rags from the neck down. The cheerleaders could dress as complaining London cabbies and the mascot could be someone worrying constantly and writing soul-searching blogs about having to move back to the Home Counties.