Masterchef Professionals Final: We Have A Winner!

And so, the egg-timer dings on Masterchef Professionals. For the losers, it's a return to culinary obscurity, and for the winner, it's a dream opportunity in... well, culinary obscurity.
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And so, the egg-timer dings on Masterchef Professionals. For the losers, it's a return to culinary obscurity, and for the winner, it's a dream opportunity in... well, culinary obscurity.

And lo, it ended for another year. Michel Roux Junior–far too good for the poxy version for normal people, not glitzy enough for the one with half-famous celebrities–will go back to his day job, which appears to involve glaring aggressively at chefs from behind one of the ovens in his posh London restaurant, Le Gavroche.

Gregg Wallace will be less likely to leave the screen alone, with the BBC already running a string of adverts in which he appears to be taking people back in time in a van. For those wondering where their license fee is going, two words: time travel.

Anyway, part two of the cooking marathon began with the terrified trio of Atomic Bagpuss, Shaky Hands, and Other One being forced to cook a tasty three courser for thirty of the most extraordinary cooks currently alive. None of whom appeared to be Gordon Ramsey or Heston “I'm going to blowtorch this muthafucker” Blumenthal.

Shaky Hands made a decent fist of doing a starter with two types of fish – an uncooked sliver of giant salmon, sitting next to a prawn in a savoury cardigan. Each forkful was intellectually analysed by his dinner guests, and he might have heard their positive feedback, had his terrified knees not been loudly banging together like a set of judge’s gavels.

Big Girl fared equally well, with a dish which involved taking a fish apart, and then rebuilding it from potatoes, like a budget version of Robocop. Even with a quick pause to nip outside and dry puke all over the side of the building, she managed to make a wonderful impression.

Less impressive was Other One, who was left with the simple task of knocking together a bit of pudding, but appeared to leave all of the chefs/diners on a bit of a downer, even though they’d probably been taking massive amounts of cocaine throughout the meal. It just didn’t quite hit the spot. And no wonder he was the only one of the three who decided to leave for a taxi without performing a celebratory dance move from Billy Elliot.

With wind in their sails, and with fresh knowledge in our minds about Big Girl learning to cook on a YTS scheme, Shaky Hands living in a village next to a haunted forest, and Other One having once been to a hotel for lunch or something, in came Michel Roux Junior to announce that it was time to cook for the title. Gregg followed, clutching a massive spoon.

It was a three-course face off of almighty proportions, featuring poached lobsters with mango ketchup, posh prawny things on potatoes, and chocolate marmite biscuit sandwiches with a mini milk (from Other One). Flame grilled deconstructed filet o’ fish, pigeon and mash with gravy, and herb crusted biscuits (from Atomic Bagpuss). Then a great round from Shaky Hands of fish paste, chicken pie improvised with a mushroom, all totally marred by what looked like a great big glass of turds for pudding.

The final insult lost him the crown. Big Girl took it, and everyone started wailing to the heavens and crying happy tears.

Well done, everyone!

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