A lot of criticisms get thrown at the UK and its citizens. Our food is terrible, we’re imperialistic, we won’t learn foreign languages, and we’re violent drunks. Most of this comes from Europeans across the channel and it’s because – in truth – they’re all fucking jealous.
We get a lot of stick for this as apparently we can’t cook. France has got a bunch of Michelin stars, but who cares? What does a tire company know about food anyway? If you care more about folded napkins and the right wine than the actual food then piss off to Paris.
Let’s just have a look at what we’ve invented over the years: fish and chips, bangers and mash, Cornish parties, cheddar, lasagne (that’s right), haggis, shepherd’s pie, ice cream, gravy, and pork pies. What do they all have in common? They’re proper food. Stuff that will fill you up and make you fat. It’s also worth mentioning the full English breakfast. What do you get in Spain when you wake up? Fruit probably.
To put it simply, if you were starving, who’s going to pick ravioli over pastry and meat? Not even the Italians would. I will say that the Germans get a pass though as they understand that there are only two food groups: ‘meat’ and ‘potatoes’.
Although our chefs could beat up their chefs.
Your chance of getting laid in the UK compared to the rest of Europe is actually pretty high. That’s most likely to do with the national past time of hating our jobs so much we attempt to give ourselves liver cancer every weekend. And don’t try and suggest we’re all drinking foreign lager, 9 out of 10 pints drunk here are brewed in the UK as we’ve managed to perfect European beers.
Also, our ale is amazing. Some question as to why we drink warm beer, but that’s because they’re idiots. Ale is great. Keep your absinthe, your ouzo and your grappa. It’s all rubbish. Just put down the cocktail, have a pint and get on with getting drunk.
We’re also amazing drunks. Women up and down the country show that the cold means nothing to us by eschewing coats on even the most bitter of winter of nights just to go out drinking. That takes some doing I can tell you. I’d bet anything that the Dutch are wrapped up in bed covered in tulips by 11 every night.
Okay, so we haven’t won the World Cup for a while now, but it’s only because we don’t really want it. We perfected the sport when we invented it and now it’s been ruining by a load of posh divers. We’ve got better things to do. You can keep your ultras, our hooligans did it best decades ago. There wasn’t a safe bar in the continent when English fans were around. I’ve yet to hear bars and shops closing up early because the Belgians are coming over for a game.
Along with inventing football, one of the best sports ever conceived, we also proudly invented the most boring sport as well – cricket. Who else would be willing to subject its own people to standing around for days on end? Our endearing support and love for crickets shows how tough both fans and players are for being able to endure such a horrible punishment.
We also invented shin kicking and ferret-legging, both of which are exactly what they sound like. The French invented pétanque, while the Italians just sit at tables shouting numbers at each other. What does that tell you?
This doesn’t even need an explanation. The last good musician from Europe was Serge Gainsbourg. He’s dead and his last album came out in 1987. So that’s pretty much that.
Just accept it
To any Europeans who are reading this, it’s time just agree that the UK is better than you. You might have your fine cuisine, beautiful landscapes, and unique are, but what’s that in the face of a fat, bald, sunburnt Englishman throwing a chair through your bar window? Nothing.
Get a real pint of beer, listen to some Dr. Feelgood, and regret executing your royal families. You’ll never be as a good as us.