1. A picture of yourself driving a car
As lessons in stupidity go, this is hard to beat. A car is a dangerous weapon; a half-ton 100mph machine capable of ending the life of a young family in a heartbeat. So naturally it presents a perfect opportunity for you to take a ‘selfie’ while veering around a motorway causing potential carnage as you pull a ‘duck face’ and tweet it to your friends saying “look at me I’m DRIVING! loooool!” If you’re doing this and you crash and die then you deserve it. Although if it’s a naked pic then it’s fine and you should email it to me.
2. The ‘I’m a little teapot’ pose
Beloved of women around the world for when a ‘spontaneous’ pose is needed, apparently this ensures a ‘flattering’ angle (?!) although it’s usually twinned with the lady in question putting their head to the side like it’s too heavy for their body. Only babies have heads that are too heavy for their bodies, and not even they would do a teapot pose. From experience if you take a photo of a baby it simply looks at you like it fucking HATES you. Which, to be fair, if you’ve just stolen it from a maternity ward is fair enough.
3. A photo of your dog wearing glasses
Listen, if as a non-glasses wearer you’ve ever tried putting on a pair for comedy value, you’ll know one thing for certain: it makes your eyes go all funny and gives you a headache. So to put them on your dog, who only cares about shagging people’s legs and eating sick, is demented. He WON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. And he’ll probably soil himself and start whining. It’s not worth a ‘twit-pic’ to give your poor, stupid canine a sleepless night of dreaming about the day when his food went all blurry and he got a dog-migraine. (note to self, google whether or not dogs get migraines before publishing this. Actually who cares they’re only dogs, fuck them)
4. Everyone putting their feet in a circle
Absolutely bizarre. We all have feet (amputees excepted) so it doesn’t come as a huge shock to anyone that when several people stand in a circle and you point a camera downwards, you will see LOTS OF FEET. If you want to see lots of feet far more easily then just do what I do, empty out a public swimming pool in the middle of the night, hollow out a ‘birdwatching-style’ underwater shelter with a two-way mirror, fill it up again, and then hide in there with a video camera, a snorkel and seven jars of handcream waiting for the local university synchronised swimming practice session. And then get arrested.
5. You and your friends on a beach jumping into the air
“LOOK AT HOW MUCH FUN WE’RE HAVING!!” screams this photo, cleverly concealing the fact that you, Tamara, Charlie and Leticia have spent the last month in abject misery in some god-forsaken resort in Thailand like every single other middle-class post-graduate, dodging stray bullets from gangsters, waking up with a tattoo that reads ‘super-slag’ in chinese writing under your arm, eating horrifically undercooked chicken noodles and vomiting into a bucket on a hostel floor, all so you can upload a thousand photos to a facebook album titled ‘Koh Phi island before my camera broke’ and then resume a life of watching Homes under the Hammer on your return. And breathe.
6. A photo of your fingernails
Men don’t look at women’s fingernails, any more than they look at the front of any greetings card you buy them for any occasion. Actually neither do other women, the only time somebody will look at your ‘new nails’ is when you shove your hand in their face and tell them to ‘LOOK AT MY NEW NAILS’. Nothing that you can possibly have done to them will merit more than that person saying ‘oh…right…they’re nice’. It’s not worth the money. Just cut them or bite them, don’t paint a fucking Union Jack on every nail, it’s a bigger waste of time than throwing Oscar Pistorius a ‘surprise’ party at his house. Although much less dangerous.
7. The ‘we’re going on holiday on a plane’ photo
Nothing makes me wish a plane had crashed more than these photos. They are a mis-representation of the misery that is modern day air travel, just look at those empty seats for crying out loud. You’re not going to have an awesome time on the flight, you’re going to attempt to watch Avengers Assemble on a screen smaller than an iPhone while a baby screams into your ear and you attempt to shovel terrible shepherd’s pie into your mouth and the stewardesses take three hours to take your tray away. Oh look, one of the engines has smoke coming out of it.
8. Something covered in snow.
OMG SNOW makes everything so pretty! Fucking hashtag snow. If women eskimos had instagram then the internet would collapse in on itself. Luckily they’re too busy doing useful things like clubbing cute animals to death for fun and building freezing cold houses made out of ice that are too cold to sleep in and melt if you try and cook anything anywhere near them. Stupid eskimos. Eskimae? Better check that.