Oh well, that's torn it. Looks like I'll have to dig out my furry hat and vodka boots and goggles.
10:13 Cameron tells #FIFA we have great fans and best transport links. Back home, Brummies riot and snow halts trains and buses.
10:17 England’s official film got me going. Our Premiership is an international melting pot watched all over world.
10:22 #Wenger, #Mancini and those other cosmopolitan sophisticates #AlexFerguson and #HarryRedknapp doing their bit in film.
10:24 #AlexFerguson wisely doesn’t refer to the generosity, goodness and humanity of #WayneRooney.
10:25 #MCFC’s Eddie Afekafe holding it all together brilliantly, segueing between Royalty and Prime Ministers seamlessly.
10:26 Oh oh, Eddie’s got on to drugs and crime. Phew, he’s talking about community projects not #JoeyBarton.
10:27 Here’s our star turn, #DavidBeckham. His hair could do with a trim.
10:29 Becks going on about his grandad. Suppose this is the “personal touch”.
10:30 Now Becks is tugging at the heartstrings. His granddad died a year ago today. Won’t work on #SeppBlatter who’s a twat.
10:31 More film. Soundtrack still Beautiful Day by #Elbow. Still playing up Premiership’s influence all over the world.
10:33 #DavidBeckham now summing up; “Our dream to benefit millions and make your grandchildren proud.”
Shit, I’ve missed the Spanish babes. Now it’s the Russians’ turn. Their representative looks about 12.
10:34 And for all that, they get “a certificate” from #SeppBlatter who describes their presentation as “excellent.”
11:09 Shit, I’ve missed the Spanish babes. Now it’s the Russians’ turn. Their representative looks about 12.
11:10 Very poetic: “We’ll give you what’s in our hearts, not the statistics in our bid book.”
11:13 Russia’s film is puke inducing, saccharine-riddled fantasy with irritating Euro Disco Beat. Nice chicks in bikinis though.
11:15 “Russia Never Sleeps”. But it beats up investigative journalists and poisons political dissidents.
11:19 So much with “from the heart”. The 12-yr-old is now spouting stats about hotel rooms, travelling times, hooker tariffs.
11:20 Oh God, here’s the Russians’ “technical video”. Er, presented by a curvy blonde in a short dress. Check out her stats.
11:22 “No visas needed” say Russians. That’s a con. It’s a #FIFA condition that all host countries waive visa rules. Cheats!!
11:24 Russian film full of airbrushed kids and beautiful buildings. No sign of petroleum mafia, gas gangsters or borsch.
11:25 Now some statuesque Russian hooker addresses FIFA. What’s that? Oh, she’s apparently a statuesque pole-vaulter…
Russian film full of airbrushed kids and beautiful buildings. No sign of petroleum mafia, gas gangsters or borsch.
11:27 Now a cute Russian schoolkid takes the podium. Lovely little boy. Well done #AndreiArshavin
LATER IN THE AFTERNOON….
14:33 Well, whatever happens, at least we’ve got a lovely, framed Bidder’s certificate. Cheers Sepp.
14:39 #Scotland geared up for nationwide celebrations. If Spain, Russia or Holland win
14:52 Rumours of a delay in announcement. #Beckham’s lost his hair gel.
14:54 Let’s not forget the value of winning: ££Billions for business and tourism sector. Plus England qualify automatically.
14:56 Possible delay of 15 mins, i.e. will now be at 1515. So much for Swiss efficiency.
14:57 If it goes to penalties we’re fucked.
15:02 A Prince, a Prime Minister and a Player Who Pooed in his Pants - how can we lose????
15:04 Despite not having as many fit birds as the others, our bid was the most outward looking. Hope #FIFA can understand that.
15:07 Seb Coe says “it smells good”. That’s #PrinceWilliam’s aftershave you fool. What about the result????
15:13 Hopefully #FIFA were impressed by the glamorous names in our bid: Plymouth, Milton Keynes, etc.
15:15 #Wikileaks reporting that #SeppBlatter used to be a Dalek.
15:19 We are now 20 mins late. All those bags of cash being exchanged between #FIFA members obviously takes time.
A Prince, a Prime Minister and a Player Who Pooed in his Pants - how can we lose????
15:21 Hundreds of people in Manchester wondering how they’ll get home if this all goes tits up and the trams aren’t running.
15:21 #MiltonKeynes blushing at all the global attention.
15:22 Pictures now coming in from inside the auditorium. Big close up of Prince William’s thinning bonce. Shame.
15:23 Now 25 mins late. COME ON SEPP YOU CUNT!!!!
15:24 Sky News reporting rumours of bad news as music starts up.
15:25 Sky’s “bad news” may simply be that #KayBurley is stuck at home.
15:25 Henry Winter reporting we went out in first round!!!
15:27 English delegates don’t look remotely happy. We’re doomed methinks. Can just see #AndreiArshavin’s ears in background.
15:29 Maybe we’ll get the 2022 World Cup instead? Does it work like that? We’d settle for the World Domino Champs.
15:30 Lots of nail biting pre-amble as #FIFA smoothies show off their multilingual skills.
15:30 PA reporting we’ve lost.
15:33 Not looking good, Blatter has just said China invented football, not England!!!! Twat!
15:37 The winner is Russia FIX!!!!! #AndreiArshavin must have been busy with his young boy’s arse in the #FIFA canteen.
15:38 If Becks, Prince William and David Cameron had any pride or dignity, they’d beat the shit out of Abramovich and Arshavin.
15:49 Fitting, I suppose, that one of the most corrupt bodies in the world gives the WC to one of the most corrupt nations.
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