It hardly seems like a moment has passed since we first told you how to talk if you want to be cool on the internet, but time keeps knocking on the door like the police at Dave Lee Travis’ house, and already two years have been and gone. Of course in that time loads more ‘mega-wicked’ and ‘Cowabunga’ phrases have cropped up online that you’ll need to be aware of if you don’t want to look like a square when you’re in a sweet google hangout or live-tweeting someone fucking their own sister on Game of Thrones. So here’s part two of our handy guide on How to talk like people on the internet...talk
If you hate grammar as much as Tories hate poor people and ethnics, then this is a great way to start off. All you need to do is discard any English you learnt at school, and never use the necessary words after the word ‘because’.And hey presto, you’ve got a cool/irritating way of speaking on the internet. For example:
“Not slept for three days because Breaking Bad marathon”
It looks like a mistake, but it isn’t! It looks like you meant to say ‘Because I had a Breaking Bad marathon’ but nobody can concentrate long enough to read a whole extra four letters these days, so just leave words out. Also people only like Breaking Bad because they think they should, and because The Guardian says they should. Also see, “The Wire.
2. “All of the…”
As in: “Bleurgh I have literally just eaten ALL of the chocolate.” No you haven't, although to be fair judging by your profile pic, you gave it a fucking good try.
3. USING CAPITAL LETTERS
One of the many, many, MANY annoying trends on twitter is to suddenly break into using capital letters for absolutely no reason as if it lends some kind of urgency or importance to whatever absolute bollocks you’re rambling on about. As in.
“Stood waiting for the train and there are OTHER PASSENGERS STARING AT ME JUST FOR WANKING”
4. Finishing a sentence with ‘though’
Probably begun by the kind of kids that David Cameron says we shouldn’t be scared of but who would happily stab you in both eyes with a screwdriver on a street corner for your Galaxy S3, this is another grammatical abortion in which you show your appreciation of something by simply ending your sentence with ‘though’. For instance, to use it in the context of a Daily Mail article;
“The tits on 13 year-old Kendall Jenner though.”
This has been around for a while, but there aren’t really any more meaningless ways to round off 140 characters than by dropping in a #justsaying, a hashtag that answers a question that nobody asked you in the first place; that question being ‘Why are you saying that?"
“Hi, you know how you use #justsaying all the time?” “Oh yeah!” “Well I’m fucking well unfollowing you. #justsaying.”
6. “I can’t even…”
You ‘can’t even’ what? What ‘can’t you even’? Fucking talk properly that’s what you ‘can’t even’.
Usually prefaced by one of those little yellow smiley face emoticons that look like a desperately spunking Pac Man, “OMG Crying” means that you want the world to know that you’re laughing at something so much that you’re actually, physically crying, despite the fact a) you’re not and b) you’ve already forgotten whatever it was that supposedly made you laugh in the first place. (It was a snapchat of a cat and someone’s crudely drawn a blue spliff coming out of the cat’s mouth and some ‘smoke’ and a little speech bubble going ‘Miaow about some more weed’) Lol.
8. “Meanwhile on Facebook...”
A lot of people on twitter like to imagine that it’s some kind of special, elite club rather than a gargantuan social network that everybody in the world is on, and so look down on Facebook users and what they post. Facebook is, of course, no better or worse than Twitter.
“Meanwhile on Facebook” is the internet equivalent of sitting in Burger King while laughing and taking the piss out of people sat opposite you eating in a McDonalds.
So there you go! Now you can be safe in the knowledge you’re able to talk like the internet kids do without looking like a noob when you’re playing Call of Duty online against a bespectacled twelve year-old ginger kid in Avengers pyjamas from Michigan who’s just made you cry like a newborn baby by calling your mum an 'absolute faggot'.