5 Sex Tips That Men Definitely Won't Enjoy

Donuts as cock rings? Nah. Pube pulling? Ditto, Where the hell do they get these ideas from and does anyone really try them?
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Eat donuts off his dick

I’m quite partial to donuts, but despite the Krispy Kreme counter in my local Tesco being staffed by several very pretty girls, I’ve never found deep fried snack food particularly erotic; maybe it’s the combination of calories and stickiness or maybe I have a psychological aversion to representations of

American culture

. Whatever the explanation, if my girlfriend tried to hoopla me with a raspberry ripple I’d be less than aroused. It’s not even like donuts are soft and sensual to eat. They’re spongy and coated in gritty stuff like sprinkles or sugar, or worse, custard-filled, which is going to cause all sorts of problems. Actual physical contact is going to be minimal and liable to be interrupted by exclamations such as ‘Don’t worry, I’ll clean that up later’ and ‘oh, hang on, let me get the hundreds and thousands out of my teeth’. Not to mention that, reading around the subject, it seems donut-related yeast infections are fairly frequent.

As an aside, if you’re going down the junk food route, a McFlurry makes a much better edible sexual aid.

Pull on his pubes

I don’t want to speak for the whole of male humanity (of course I do, but one has to avoid generalising) but pubic hair is, I’ve found, extremely sensitive. I get that there’s a fine line between pleasure and pain (try watching Mark Wahlberg in The Departed, then in The Italian Job remake), and I enjoy exploring that boundary as much as the next man. That’s not what’s happening here though; this is just abuse, plain and simple, and pain in the region is unlikely to help progression of the act at hand. Also, not only is it not enjoyable, it’s an active distraction from what should be a pleasurable experience, like going to a nice restaurant and covering your meal in one of those novelty sauces that’s so hot it makes your ears bleed. In short, don’t do it.

Lots of shallow movements followed by one deep one

I first saw this one some years ago as a curious teenager; later I saw it reproduced virtually word for word only with the genders reversed in a list of sex tips for guys. Both times I wondered why, and my puzzlement has been borne out by experience; it just feels wrong. Rhythm is a massive part of sex (why do you think rock musicians get so much of it, eh?) and trying to build up a rhythm whilst holding back just doesn’t work. If you’re on the receiving end it’s like being sucked off by Gareth Gates. Unless you’ve got the natural rhythmic ability of an orchestra conductor or maybe Deadmau5, trying to do it to your partner ends up being at best ineffective and at worst disorienting; if you’ll pardon the excruciating pun, you’re never quite sure whether you’re coming or going.


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Try wrapping your fist around his penis

Then moving it up and down with long, smooth strokes. Then add your other hand, and gently twist both hands in opposing directions. - When I was at school, this was called a Chinese burn (it’s probably been changed to something more PC since). It was about the least pleasant thing you could do to someone, comparable only to the infamous ‘wet willy’, which incidentally isn’t dissimilar to one of Cosmo’s other favoured fun finger functions. The only difference was it was done on the wrists (don’t worry, I didn’t go to THAT kind of school), but getting caught doing one would land you on indoor break times for a good week or so. Why anyone thinks this is a good idea in the bedroom is beyond me; the skin on a man’s wrist is pretty robust compared to the penis, and that used to be painful enough. Given that this is presumably a foreplay activity, the fact that anyone who reads Cosmo ever ends up having sex is in itself surprising. Someone needs to have a word over there and tell them the Spanish Inquisition ended in 1834, and really wasn’t all that erotic to begin with.

Have sex whilst sitting on a washing machine

This was my favourite of many hilarious examples of the ‘Cosmosutra’, with other highlights including ‘have sex in one of those giant inflatable tyres that people had on beaches in the 90s’ and at least 5 variations on the theme of ‘sit on top of your man whilst on some kind of furniture’. The washing machine idea is symptomatic of what happens when you’re trying to fill 365 days worth of sexual positions. I would care to wager that if you were to ask 100 people to draw a Venn diagram of the rooms in which they’ve had great sex, and the rooms they’ve been in which have also contained washing machines, there would be very little overlap. They’re not inherently sexy objects, either, being cubic and usually off-white. Apparently the theory is that the vibrations of the machine heightens the pleasure for both parties. Washing machines these days are pretty refined though, and if you manage to find one of sufficient vintage that it does still give you the shakes, I’d hesitate before exposing any of your sensitive areas to it. If vibration is your thing, invest in one of those PowerPlates from the gym? Alternatively, get a vibrator and use a table/chair/sofa/sun-lounger/sideboard/stack of unsold Cosmos.