Ian Botham uploaded a photo of his junk to the internet on Monday morning.
Really take that sentence in.
Sir Ian Botham, one of England’s greatest cricketers and premier Shredded Wheat salesmen tweeted a dickpic on Monday morning with the message “What are you thinking… Xx”
He claimed he was hacked, Robbie Savage came to his aid. In a news cycle full of ebola, unrest in the Middle East and the United States, the people cried out for a something ridiculous to take our minds off the state of the world and like a smutty ray of light, Ian Botham delivered. With his dick.
This is it, a Knight of the Realm has now sent a photograph of their junk (that we know of, there’s something about Rushdie that makes me think he has mad Tinder dickpic game), so here we are. At the dickpic singularity.
Now of course, you should never, ever EVER send a picture of you junk to anyone. Penises aren’t pretty, they stare unblinking regardless of angle or filter and, as Botham has shown us this week, it is guaranteed that you dickpic will be seen by more people than you originally intended. If you send someone a photo your junk, at least three more people will see it. This is science.
But if you’re going to fuck up and send someone a photo of your junk, you may as well do it properly. Here’s how you send dickpic and be (slightly) less of a sleaze…
A photo messaging service where images are deleted after a few seconds. Snapchat was made for sending sexts. Its logo even looks a bit like a inverted bollock. Snapchat doesn’t save an image to your phone gallery or theirs (like Whatsapp does), allows you to add text and filters (so you can get rid of that nasty bout of fordyce spots), and if someone has takes a screenshot you get a message so you can prepare your excuse ahead of time
If you’re going to send a picture, use snapchat. (It is as this point where every man reading this yells as me for revealing to their girlfriends the true use for snapchat – soz boys.)
The Set Up
You don’t just send someone a photo of your junk out of the blue, no no no. Use a degree of tact here, set up the conversation here. As Botham showed with is “What are you thinking” line, dickpics are meant to help with sparking the imagination rather than to be used as masturbation fodder like a boob picture can end up. What do * you * want the recipient to be thinking? Please make it something other than “Oh my god this weirdo has sent me a photo of his dick.”
Pro Tip – If you haven’t seen someone in a while, a general “When I see you next we are going to do all of the sex” conversation gives you a spin off for your dickpic. If you want to be funny set up a conversation about something still measured in inches (Subway sandwiches, television screens) and away you go.
Taking The Photo
Ian Botham’s penis is horrible. There. I said it. Beefy may be his nickname but Botham's rocket looks horrible in his cock shot.
Penises are horrible. The one eyed eel nickname is there for a reason. Scrotums are even worse, hairy and covered in same skin your elbow has. (Look, compare, be ill).
Put some effort into your cock shot. Like any good selfie, good lighting goes a long way to sending a good dick pic. Try not to cast too many shadows. Make sure you’re properly groomed when you take it and make sure you’re in an appropriate room for Christ stakes.
Now, like a selfie, there are a number of stock poses you can take your dickpic in. Here’s a run down to the major variants.
1) Flat against your stomach (aka The Botham)
Pros – You can get your abs in the shot if you have some. Serves as a visual aid for how big your junk is.
Cons – Gives us a look at the ball bag. Awkward to get your phone at that angle meaning multiple shots need to be taken, increasing the risk of photos being spread. If you’ve got a flabby stomach, gives an uninspiring idea of your physique.
2) The Ken Doll (aka with no pubes)
Pros – Shows you’re a man of grooming. Junk looks bigger in comparison.
Cons – You have no pubes. Men should always have pubes.
3) With a prop
Pros – Gives a scale of reference for narrative purposes.
Cons – Practically willing your participant to pass the photo amongst their friends. (“Look at his cock, it’s almost as wide as a Coca Cola can”). Unless your penis is of unusual (read: frightening) proportions, having a frame of reference will likely scare the recipient.
4) The #OOTD
Pros – Like the Botham, but without the risk of scrotal inclusion. Properly tilted and you can get the right balance of angle to make your junk look bigger.
Cons – YOU ARE STILL SENDING SOMEONE A PHOTO OF YOUR DICK. GO TAKE A SHOWER AND REPENT YOU GODLESS LITTLE BOY.
Have An Out
Dick pics can and more often will go wrong, so before you send one, make sure you have an excuse ready and raring to go. Botham got lucky and had Robbie Savage toss him a “think you’ve been hacked mate” excuse but that excuse has been rumbled so you may have to mix it up. Be smart and be prepared to feign ignorance. You and the lads were playing a phone game and you lost. You got mugged in some sort of bizarre sex game. Think on your feet.
Worst come to worst, go for the Jim Belushi Blues Brothers method – throw so many excuses at your recipient and hope you cross the threshold into pity. It shouldn’t be that hard… your junk probably did half the work.
Or you could skip all of this and NOT SEND ANYONE A PHOTO OF YOUR DICK. SERIOUSLY. DON'T DO IT.
Carl Anka can't stop laughing at Ian Botham you can join him on Twitter - @Ankaman616