ROUND ONE: SPAIN
“His food is CRAZY!” barked Gregg, talking about some Spanish chef called Paco – part Tony Montana/part elderly Cesc Fabregas.
These weren’t going to be your usual tiny plates of spicy sausage, garlic prawns, plus a hill of potatoes in tomato ketchup. Weird shit was on the menu.
To really hammer the point home, Jackie squirted cream into a Petri dish. Tom made boiled fish with emotional grapefruit tears fashioned from Top of the Pops dry ice, whilst Tim was adding his usual Japanese twist to the occasion.
“Everyone thinks I like science, but I fucking hate it!” mumbled the American, sniffing sharply on some sulphuric acid before puking in a bin and laughing hysterically.
Sara, meanwhile, was making spaghetti carbonara with noodles.
The Spanish chef then had a go on all of their dishes, and in short, they did okay.
“Dude, I just learned how to think,” said Tim, staring mesmerised by his own hand.
ROUND TWO: COOKING FOR SOME SCIENTISTS
“Tonight, you’re cooking for some scientists!” emphasised Gregg, as if he’d literally just read the above bit in capital letters.
“But will they, ahem, DISCOVER you?” quipped John, showing an expression of utter delight at his great grasp of what scientists do for a living, as the four finalists trundled off to prepare tea.
Tom decided to make a seafood cocktail, including shrimp foetuses. Jackie thought it wise to mix rose petals with fish. Tim was going for some kind of post-modern hipster version of pork pie and scotch egg.
“I’m also creating a pub atmosphere!” he bullshat, whilst Heston Blumenthal’s ears burst into flames.
And Sara was making pudding.
Jazz-funk backing track. Gregg appeared from behind a fridge in a waistcoat like a miraculous potato that can play snooker, and out in the dining room, John McCririck posed as a scientist to get a free meal.
To summarise how the food went down with the eggheads: Tom’s seafood was just okay. Jackie’s “looked great, but didn’t feel nice in my mouth.” McCririck loved his scotch egg. And Sara blew everyone’s minds with her lush orange sorbet.
ROUND THREE: FOURWAY COOK-OFF
Piano intro, electro beats.
“One show-stopping dish – show us what you’ve become!” bellowed John, raising his octopus arms above his head and doing a full 360 degree spin like Dermot O’Really at the beginning of every X Factor live show.
Jackie glazed some dumplings – cleverly including one with meat in it to prove that she might not always be a lesbian. Tim braised pork in coca-cola.
“This guy is FUCKING INSANE!” barked Gregg, grabbing his crotch and howling to the moon.
Tom made a massive plate of fish.
“It’s like a shark’s bunga bunga party!” whooped Wallace, this time whipping it out momentarily, then immediately placing it back into his trousers.
Sara did some rabbit with cabbage and cheese.
All four did pretty well feeding the judges, and after a good day all round, in came the cod-Coldplay instrumental suggesting that one of them was about to leave the show.
“I gave them the moon, sun and the stars on a plate,” blubbed Jackie.
String section.
“Sod off Jackie! Well done the rest of you!”
And everyone totally cracked up.
Next week: Someone will win.
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