Steve McQueen couldn’t act. Beckham is a fraud. Jack Kerouac’s prose is repetitive and banal, and Alex Turner is now 50% Brylcreem.
Now that everyone is on my side and has absolutely nothing to disagree with me about, it's time to celebrate a few actually cool blokes; each one alternative to the much clichéd so called “icons” of men’s life.
10. Marvelous Marvin Hagler.
His first name is Marvelous. Not Marvin. Actually Marvelous. A brief browse through some of his fights on YouTube show that he was one of the most skilled, talented and strongest fighters of all time. A glance at his life indicate that he was also one of the coolest men of all time. Hagler made twelve undisputed title defences and holds the highest KO% of all undisputed middleweight champions at 78%. A titanium chin. His bout with Thomas Hearns in 1985 is considered by some to be the most exciting middleweight fight in the history of boxing.
He would train exclusively in army boots, declaring running shoes "sissy shoes." He would also run his route backwards to prepare for movements in the ring.
In 1982, annoyed that network announcers often did not refer to him by his nickname, "Marvelous," Hagler legally changed his name to "Marvelous Marvin Hagler."
He retired in 1988 Hagler retired to become…that’s right… a film star. His roles include a US Marine in the films Indio and Indio 2 and in 1996, he starred alongside Giselle Blondet in Virtual Weapon. He has also commentated on British boxing matches a couple of times.
If you go onto his website http://marvelousmarvin.com/. You can legitimately buy his signed memorabilia, and a copy of his recently published children’s book Lost Wings. Fight on Marvelous. Fight on.
9. David O’Keefe
Sometimes you just need to get away for a while. Have some time to yourself, some time off to just sit back, relax and think. You might, however, by some chance become king of a micronation, as occurred when David O’Keefe an Irish-American became shipwrecked on a trade route to China in 1871.
He landed on the west Pacific island nation of Yap, southwest of Guam. Adjusting well to island life he acquired land from local chiefs and in a few short years, became king. He gained two island wives and produced seven children, not forgetting Mrs O’Keefe back home, of whom he sent money back to each month. On his famous homecoming voyage, his ship the Santa Cruz sank and he passed away beneath the waves. A film was made about his life in 1954 called His Majesty O’Keefe starring Burt Lancaster. Check it out, it’s terrible.
8. David Ortiz
Do you like baseball? Not many Brits do. I quite like baseball. It’s like an exciting version of cricket with less rules and more sponsoring. So it's still spectacularly shite but I enjoy it nonetheless, and I thought I'd highlight a particular star of the current baseball world, the one they call “Big Papi.”
David Ortiz is big, Dominican, and plays for the Boston Red Sox. He is in fact the holder of the Red Sox single-season record for home runs with 54, set during the 2006 season.
Bringing David Ortiz on to hit balls is like bringing a missile launcher to a knife fight; he's just gonna blow you away. Attending a game this summer I watched the Red Sox play the Mets. Upon stepping up to the plate at Citifield he was greeted en masse by a chorus of boos to which he smiled at and proceeded to knock the ball out further than any other player that day.
Watch some of his highlight reels below, he truly is a great athlete in the current field of play.
Sadly David Ortiz has decided to retire following the 2016 season. So check him out whilst you still can.
7. Father Christmas
Underrated guy in my opinion.
6. Peter Tosh
Bob Marley is talked about too much so let's look at some of the other Wailers, specifically Peter Tosh. Arguably one of the coolest Jamaicans - if not humans - of all time. He formed the Wailers in 1962 along with Bunny Wailer and Bob Marley, and was responsible for some of the groups biggest hits such as "Get Up, Stand Up", "400 Years", and "No Sympathy."
A keen unicycler. A militant marijuana legalization advocate. Releasing an album quite bluntly entitled Legalize It in 1976. Attempts to ban the song catapulted him to worldwide and international success. A promoter of Rastafari and multi-instrumentalist, Peter Tosh is often swept under the rug in musical history, so we should shed some light on him in my opinion.
Unfortunately he was shot and killed during a home invasion by three armed assailants in 1987. Hope he’s rolling up a fat one somewhere and getting high eternally.
5. Porfirio Rubrirosa
Just looking at this man's life is exhausting. He only lived to about 54 and still the breath of his excursions is ridiculous. His role in life was chiefly a diplomat for the Dominican Republic but he also moonlighted as a polo player, race car driver, multi-linguist, playboy, jetsetter, nightclubber and serial womaniser
This is a list of some of the women he bedded: Marilyn Monroe; Zsa Zsa Gabor, Eartha Kitt; Ava Gardner; Rita Hayworth; the Empress of Iran; Joan Crawford' Kim Novak and Judy Garland.
He was married five times. Two being to some of the richest women in the world at that time. One of those women being Barbara Hutton: heiress to a real estate dynasty of several hundred million dollars. In her memoirs, Hutton wrote that Rubirosa was “grotesquely proportioned.” Rubirosa was fabled not merely for his abundant charm, but also for a penis described frequently as “horse-like.” (It was in fact so big that it inspired Parisian waiters to name gigantic pepper mills “Rubirosas” in his honour.) His testicles were apparently so bulbous that he never wore underwear. He died in 1954 in the coolest way possible, ploughing headfirst into a chestnut tree in his Ferrari 250 GT, after an all-night party in Paris, celebrating his win at the Polo Coup de France.
4. Dick Turpin
If your life is the premise for a Fleetwood Mac video I doubt you could’ve been that bad of a guy. Also check out his clothes- bloody stylish geezer. Hopefully the three-point hat will make a return one-day and then me and my idol wont be so openly mocked. Rest in peace Dick Turpin: killer, horse thief, career criminal, fashionista and cool guy.
3. Toni Servillo
Ever watched The Great Beauty? No? It’ll make you want to bed an Italian, both sexes. Toni Servillo stars in the film as the ageing writer and journalist Jep Gambardella. He has a penchant for fine wine, women, literature and wistful melancholy. It’s rare that an actor gets his big break so late in his career and. not to diminish his previous work (some of great quality in fact), but The Great Beauty is a masterpiece. His clothes are immaculate, his hair slick and well groomed. The opening party scene alone is worth its spot a hundred times over in the motion picture hall of fame. Check him out.
2. Pep Guardiola
Understandably a cliché. An expected choice, but for God’s sake look at the man. He looks like he brings wine into the dressing room, asks the lads their thoughts on the bouquet as he passes it round before declaring war on a nearly relegatied German side from a podium that he summons from the ground. Four La Ligas, two Copa del Reys, two Supercopa de España, two Champions Leagues, two Super Cups and two Club World Cups is just his record at Barcelona.
A proponent of Catalonia’s independence. Multilingual and well dressed, Guardiola is the high-water mark for cool managers in this lifetime.
- Henrik Larsson
I once met a Scottish Celtic fan who said that when he dies, the three people he wants to meet him at Heavens gate were Saint Peter, Billy Ocean (don’t ask) and Henrik Larsson. He even went on to state that if he got to play keepy-ups with Larsson for a solid 15 minutes and then be sent straight to Hell for eternity then that would be of equal worth. 50 Goals. One season. Feyenoord, Celtic, Barcelona. 325 Goals in 526 appearances. Enough said.