As a woman of the world even I was confused by this. I know the song “Nosh me off, love” isn't going going to be a big hitter on Kiss Radio, but this metaphor is dangerous for all involved. It invokes a heart rending image of a teenage girl negotiating her first fellatio. The poor lass has got her lips pursed together in a strained smile hovering in anticipation over his barely erect penis. She makes a shape like a polo and puff.
If you are anything like Louise from my year 11 Physics group (who once did gently exhale on her boyfriend's willy) and are genuinely confused about the logistics of giving head, this song is gonna make sixth form college reaaaal tough.
2. Kelly Rowland – Kisses Down Low
Look Kelly unless you are going to come out and do it properly can you please leave all the ladyvag stuff to Azealia and go back to worrying about Mary's hands being the same size as Marilyn Monroe's? Is oral sex not BAD ENOUGH? Guys have enough trouble locating clitori without us having to worry about receiving quick kissy pecks down there like being greeted by a friendly Uncle.
3. Jeremih – Birthday Sex
Hats off to Jeremih, at least he's not beating around the bush, albeit with the world's most awkward song title, but are we really saying girls only want to get jiggy once a YEAR? Yo, R'n'B we're not all a bunch of libido-less arses staring blankly at a perpetual calendar. Have a bit of consideration J. Your birthday can be a busy time, there's a tray bake to get through and Auntie Jean will be popping round with your Waterstones voucher any minute, the last thing you need is a horny twerp commencing his annual nibble on your ear lobes.
4. R-Kelly – Bump n' Grind
Mr. Kelly is entirely to blame for what I call the 'figure of eight' sex move. The one that involves confusingly little penetration and leaves you with thighs like two bruised bananas. There are BONES under there R. Kelly and there is nothing about a woman's pelvis that wants to be ground. Give us the bump, we're all about the bump, but for the love of God take your grind elsewhere boys.
5. Sex On The Beach - T-Spoon
This song with its didactic message and nursery rhyme simplicity was a call to (ch)arms for every horny boy in 90s Europe. You could argue is not directly responsible for sandy vaginas the world over, because people have been doing that shit since olden timez, but it served as painfully catchy instruction that sex on the beach is a perfectly normal practical thing to do in the middle of a party, when everyone knows it isn't at all fun. If you don't believe me just ask the guy who spent the latter part of the 90s picking condoms off the shoreline in Magaluf.
6. Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz – Get Low
Much as the idea of crawling on my hands and knees across a sticky floored branch of Tiger Tiger to get to get my mitts on the junk in wee Jon's tiny little crunk trunk is mighty appealing, it's the cascades of sweat dripping down his salty balls which I am finding slightly off-putting. There must be at least one woman out there in the world who has ricocheted off the walls a club for a taste of that and to that woman, on Jon's behalf, I apologise.
7. Akon–Smack That
Hip hop and porn appear to have had some sort of turn of the millennium conference and decided it was OK to tell nice grammar school boys they could take their palms to a perfect stranger's buttocks like a pair of novelty bongos and without any prior warning. Aggressively smacking women's arses until they get sore is not generally considered to be de riguer, you know, in the eyes of the LAW, Akon. At least this goes a little way to explaining how he got locked up.
8. Slave 4 U – Britney Spears
I don't wanna get all Germaine Greer on your arses but even at the tender age of eleven I remember thinking - “well actually Britney I dug the metaphorical depth of 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' and I like your new hair, but I am not sure this song entirely fits with my moral framework.” To be fair I was opening my rendition with “Kitty Cat, Kitty Cat” because I hadn't yet studied the lyric inserts in my CD rom (until now) but even then I knew if someone was getting up close and personal with the multi-coloured bands on my braces I wasn't going to be begging them to take me prisoner.
9. 50 Cent – Candy Shop
Let's face it, despite having the charisma of a thumb Fiddy resorted to his magic stick and unfortunately catchy tunes to singlehandedly rewind women's lib by a solid fifteen years. He taught teenage boys that hookers ruled and paying for sex was just what jus what pimps do. Holla. My very own brother started speaking through gritted teeth and pronounced himself a member of G-Unit (he had the hat) until I made him rap this whole song to my Stepmum over Sunday Lunch. It was game over and a smacked botty for that particular pubescent Tunbridge Wells gangsta.
10. Shakira – Underneath Your Clothes
Shakira is surely the High Priestess of batshit bonkers lyrics is who us ladypeeps have got (amongst others) to blame for the assumption by men that every time a woman has sex with a man she will deeply inhale his chest hair and then try and map out their future by analysing distance between his nipples. Rather than a damn good orgasm, Shakira's is looking for the 'story' and she quite boldly claims that somewhere inside her bloke's undercrackers is where all her thoughts go hiding, which is if it true is a pretty alarming prospect for the evolution of the human race.
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